[Job19]

I have been married 3 years in July, and my wife has been aware of my substance abuse history from the get go. It wasn't until we had almost been married a year that I was diagnosed bipolar 1 and I was hospitalized. Since then my wife has admitted that I have been a different person.

I account this to the various medicines I have been put on by my psych doc: currently, Lithium 600mg bid, Latuda 60mg daily (titrating up to 80mg/d), propanolol 10-20mg daily, Clonazapam up to 4/day as needed--need to come down a little soon, and synthoid 100mg daily. This is not including the other medicines I have tried/quit over the past year.

The main point is this: I do smoke pot occasionally: especially, when I am getting depressed or having mixed symptoms. My wife and I are expecting a son any time now. She said if I do not stop smoking pot I will have to move out. I just lost my job because of my disorder, and now I feel like I am being given an ultimatum (be perfect or leave).

Any advice welcome, and spare me the pot is illegal or not beneficial crap. My beliefs are that it is not harmful and has proven helpful (admitted by both my wife and psychdoc) at times. I am at a loss right now.

[mazing]

Can you sit and have a discussion with your wife about her expectations and what you are going through? Why she feels that your use is causing so many problems? She may be seeing other things or having feelings about your use that she hasn't talked about yet. Try to negotiate your priorities and compromises. For example, that if you continue to use that you do not do it near her or the baby etc. and ensure that you talk to your doctors when your symptoms become bad and not just rely on the pot. Things that allow you to take the time you need while making her feel secure.

I would try talking to your pdoc as well if you are still struggling. It can take a long time to find the right medications and doses but they can be very beneficial.

I'm sorry that you feel like you have to be perfect - it can be very hard for people who haven't struggled to understand that it isn't that easy to just change and stop things. Hang in there though - it takes a lot of work and communication but it is often possible to work through.

[hamster-bamster]

Can you switch to edibles? The only thing that might be bad for the baby is smoke. With edibles, there is no smoke. I do know that smoking marijuana is detrimental to the lungs. I also do know for sure that tobacco smoke is VERY detrimental to babies and can lead to asthma and even SIDS. So may be marijuana smoke can, too? Find out. If you cannot switch to edibles, can you smoke outside?

Your wife should be trying to problem solve with you to protect the health of the baby. That is fair and constructive. If she is using the arrival of the baby to exert influence on you and control your behavior, that is unfair.

I hope you can sort it out. To get rid of your babys father over occasional pot use is ridiculous. Could it be that it is her excuse and she has other motivation to want to get rid of you?

I am unsure why she on one hand knows that pot has been of benefit to you, but is now saying no or out.

I used to smoke a lot of pot in my teens, and as an adult, I still know people who smoke it -even though I no longer do. I also know someone who used it for MS - perfect for her. But, although I don't think pot is a huge problem, and far less harmful than drink, I do think it does change people. And the bottom line here, as although its not a problem for a lot of folk, smoking pot is causing a problem for you in your marriage.

It sounds to me that she is fixating a few issues onto you smoking pot. Is there a way of trying to talk about it rationally? If not, does she have a problem with medicinal cannabis? Or even baking it? All have the same calming effect. While I do not agree with her threatening to throw you out, sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do for the sake of our marriages if you can't find a compromise.

I hope you guys manage to work something out.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Could it be that it is her excuse and she has other motivation to want to get rid of you?

Wow Hamster, that sure did indict me! Thanks. I'm making excuses that now it's the pot that makes me want to divorce him, when I've known about the pot for 10 years. I need to own up to my feelings and either work them out so I stay, or just go ahead and file. This living in limbo is not fair to either one of us.

Bub

[ArthurDent]

Here's one very good reason. If your wife (during birth) or child test positive for weed from the second hand smoke, they can take your child away. Its very commonplace for them to drug test the mother when giving birth.

I have no personal opinion on if smoking helps you, but the government does. Just something to think about.

I'm with S4 and the others, maybe you could at least go outside or something.

I think taht finding an alternative method like hamster said, or a location away from your wife and coming soon child would be best.

If the ultimatum is just for you to keep the smoke away from her and the child it's not unreasonable, and I would work with her on it. alternatively, if she wants you to quit permanently regardless of where or how you do it, I don't think she's being reasonable at all considering she knew about your consumption of drugs before she married you.

I would find out which case it is, and work out something to protect your wife and child from the second hand smoke though, regardless

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I would find out which case it is, and work out something to protect your wife and child from the second hand smoke though, regardless

Yes, although I have not had time to look it up, but just by analogy with tobacco second hand smoke, the baby should never be exposed to it. It is a risk factor for SIDS, together with putting the baby to sleep on the stomach, not breastfeeding, and having soft sleeping surfaces (whether crib or adult bed, does not matter) and stuff like crib bumpers near the baby. So that definitely needs to be banned.

I have a friend, Joe, who is a former colleague and Bipolar II on the depressive side of things. He occasionally smokes pot, like you. He married a woman who had already had three children, AND had two more children with her. Worked, earned a living and supported 5 kids throughout. I cannot imagine his wife pestering him with threats of eviction over something so harmless. Initially, before correct medications were found for him, he was on disability. Eventually, he was put on correct medications, went to MIT which is hard to get in to, got a good job, etc. etc. Eventually, you will be all right, too.You will find another job. eventually. You will have it figured out with time.

Since you are legally married, the child will be yours without having to prove paternity. So, just in case, I would go see someone from legal aid, if you can, to figure out how you will get your part of the custody of the child in case she tells you to move out. I would also ask the psychiatrist to test your Lithium levels. Finally, make sure you are refilling the medications on time. After that, talk to the psychiatrist and give a heads-up that you might be facing a legal case for which you will need a note that you are compliant with the treatment plan (refilling prescriptions and having therapeutic levels of Lithium in the blood demonstrate that). That is just in case your wife decides to be aggressive and exploit your mental illness. Let us hope she is cooperative but just in case. Since what she is doing now (giving you ultimatums over something that is not a new development and is harmless) is unreasonable, she may prove unreasonable in the course of separation as well, if it gets to that point.

[hamster-bamster]

In general, attempts to exploit the fact of mental illness of the to-be-ex spouse in court are very common, so you should be prepared for them.

[RomanSunburn]

I realize that your pot use isn't a new thing, but the whole having a baby, kinda is... Have you had a calm discussion about this? Has she said what exactly about it makes her want you to stop? Maybe she's going into over protective mode, and this is part of her child-proofing the home strategy. Or maybe this does have to do with the legal side of things.. Maybe she wants to bring her child up in a household sans illegal activities.

I also don't really think she's telling you to "be perfect or move out." I understand that that is how you are feeling and don't want to invalidate that, but I'm wondering if it's an accurate portrayal of the situation?

I think the first thing you should do is sit down and have an honest, calm discussion with your wife on why this has suddenly changed. Try not to be defensive, or say something to put her on the defensive. Just say something like, "I want to understand what has changed in your mind and if we can work on a compromise." Just remember... she does have a lot of hormones going coursing through her body right now....

Good luck

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

Here's one very good reason. If your wife (during birth) or child test positive for weed from the second hand smoke, they can take your child away. Its very commonplace for them to drug test the mother when giving birth.

Exactly. If nothing else, think about this. They check a pregnant woman's blood multiple times throughout pregnancy, and test her urine at every OB visit. And marijuana DOES have negative effects on developing children. See this file: http://www.csam-asam.org/sites/defau...dolescents.pdf

Five reasons exist for focusing on the impact that marijuana has on children and adolescents:
1. The brain continues to undergo important development up until the age of 25(Giedd 2004).
2. Children and adolescents are at far greater risk of becoming dependent on marijuana, and dependence happens far more quickly.
3. Children and adolescents are more significantly affected by marijuana, even before dependence occurs.
4. Structural changes have been found in the brains of young marijuana users.
5. Subtle effects from marijuana on emotions and reasoning are increasingly being demonstrated in all marijuana users.

The very first reason should be reason enough.

Her wanting you to stop smoking because of the baby is entirely reasonable.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

Here's one very good reason. If your wife (during birth) or child test positive for weed from the second hand smoke, they can take your child away. Its very commonplace for them to drug test the mother when giving birth.

I did not know that. Must be something new or state-specific. At any rate, to me it would be just another good reason to have a home birth, among many other good reasons for that (unless it is a complicated pregnancy). Pregnant women should have complete control over what they are and are not tested for and no testing should occur without informed consent.

But if it is the case - likewise, switch to edibles. She cannot get second-hand smoke from your edibles. I imagine they are more expensive though, but what can you do?

[hamster-bamster]

Another thing... I do not know what her high hopes and dreams are with regard to the future step father of this baby if she is successful pushing you to leave. It would be one thing if you were engaged in a rare and unusual activity heretofore completely unknown to mankind; then she would be reasonably assured that her next guy would not be engaged in it. But pot use is very common. She may have to sift through quite a few guys to find someone who does not do it at all. And then she may find that people who do not smoke pot do something else that she finds reprehensible. If she is otherwise happy with you, it seems that she would be far better off arriving at some compromise than starting her partner search all anew. Plus, you are the father of this particular baby, which should count in your favor, other things being equal.

[adam_k]

Do you think this could about more than the occasional pot use? You said you lost your job recently, is she venting her frustration about being pregnant and you not having a job, but blaming it on the pot? I think talking this out is the only resolution. Some states have medical marijuana, if you had a prescription would that change her perception? Do you think it might be the hospitalization that is the cause of this? Maybe you didn't change after you got out, but her perception of you did. Some times we see what we want in people, and when that breaks down we think the person has changed. Example when you have a friend and then they betray your trust, you don't think they are the same. You think the person is trustworthy until they betray you, and then you think they are a liar, thief whatever. The person was always the same, but your perception changed. Could something like that be happening between you and your wife? How does she feel about your illness? Does she accept it and support you or has she became more distant after you got back? My only suggestion is to have a calm honest talk and tell each other what is bothering each of you. Marriage counseling can be another solution. A mediator, and someone who can explain bipolar may help her see your struggle. I hope you find a way to work thing out.