Married to Passsive-Aggressive

What an absolutely frustrating marriage this has been, married 20 year and now wondering how I made it this long. For the lonest time I could not put a finger on what I was experiencing, just floored by husband's behavior, lack of involvement in me and his chidren. I made too many excuses for him and justy kept focusing on the family, my career and my household. I think was all the kids that kept my mind busy and my satisfied. We now have one left at home and she will graduate next year and boy oh boy things are plain as day now.

I am actually contemplating divorce at this point as I see no good in the future of this marriage, and while I would love to be free of this hardship and frustration I know a divorce will bring on more issues so I teater back and forth.

Right now I am just trying to pull myself together, make it possible that I can leave and focusing on what makes me feel good.

Is there anyone else here dealing with a PA spouse or an emotional unavailable spouse? Can you identify? What are your experiences?

Hello 2691RVA! Welcome to Psych Central! Sorry you are unhappy in your marriage. Do you think it might be possible to work things out through a marriage counsellor? Maybe just talking to a counsellor yourself would help you decide what to do? Good Luck in your future! I hope it will be a happier one.

Hello,

I am sorry that you have been feeling so estranged from your hub all of these years. I do know a couple (in real life) that struggled real hard with this issue. My BIL was living in la la land. Completely oblivious that he wasn't supporting his wife and kids emotionally. As the children neared their end in high school, SIL left him.

He was blown away! Hadn't seen this coming at all ~ even though she has always been very frustrated with his emptiness. Their children knew that this was coming for years, as she had talked openly with them about it. Anyway, I was really surprised to see how hard it hit him. That's when I began to see how much he actually loved his wife. Her leaving him is what motivated him to show his love and commitment to her.

After a few months of his complete misery, she finally and luckily returned to her hub. He is very thankful and they are now working together at re-building their marriage. They actually go to couple's counseling now. He is working to put more effort into showing his feelings to her. She is also working to be appreciative of the effort that he does put into their marriage.

It takes time to work through these deep divides. Sadly, sometimes is takes a big shock to snap out of the horrible cycle. And sometimes that comes too late. Hopefully, you can find the strength and commitment inside of yourself to work towards re-building a healthy marriage. He needs to be told straight-out, by an outsider, how unhealthy the marriage is at this point. He needs to commit himself to showing interest, affection, and ideas with you.

If your hub is also physically abusive, then I say that all bets are off. Get out of the relationship now & good riddance! 'Cause it's been a long time coming and it's too bad you waited so long, putting up with his abuse.

I wish you the very best!

I am going thru that myself. my husband has not been emotionally involved for a few years now. It is driving me crazy! I feel your pain. I have thought about divorce myself but just can't seem to bring myself to do it at my age.

My spouse is emotionally blunted. He has spent his entire life trying to dampen and suppress his emotions because, other than anger, they were not considered acceptable in his home growing up. As a result, my husband shows his hurt, upset, sadness and everything else as anger. This can make life very difficult, especially for him as a dad. What works for him is to be taught a different way of expressing his emotions, which is of course much easier said than done.