[LonelyBird]

So, last night was brutal. I found out that my wife had her bags packed and was ready to go a while ago. We had a talk after counseling and the following things came out:

1 I don't hate you, I love you and you're my best friend... But my feelings are gone

2 I need time, but not space to think right now

3 If you give me space we can't work on this

4 I am willing to go to counseling as long as it takes

5 I can't forgive you or let you in my heart... yet

I am trying to put all that together in a coherent package and can't figure it out. I read it as she is willing to give it time to see if it can work... but there were so many back and forth conflicting statements that my mind is a whirlwind. I too am willing to put the time in ever long it may take... it sounds like she is... but in some ways it sounds like she is just willing to put in the time and not the effort. Just feeling crushed right now... like all the glimmers of hope the last 3 weeks have been lies she has been giving me to try to soften the blow. We got homework from the therapist now and it sounds like she is willing to do it. We will see. I think it will help if she does it. The therapist said she had to forgive in order to let the walls come down. My wife said that was her goal... to tear down the walls. I guess there is just so much uncertainty that neither of us knows what to think.

Any input, thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

[Travelinglady]

Does sound confusing! I hope going to a therapist will work. Let us know how things are going, if you want to.

this sounds familiar to me, heh.

she says she doesn't hate you - this is of course always a good sign. she says she loves you and you're her best friend - this is also good. when she says her feelings are gone, it means the light that lit her fire for you is dwindling or gone. it means she loves you, but she's not IN love with you. and yes, there is a difference, if only for women, haha.

she needs time but she doesn't want space because she doesn't want you to go away. she wants to work on this, she wants to find that fire again and build it back up. her saying she's willing to go to counseling for as long as it takes is proof that she wants to rebuild your relationship.

it's going to take her a LONG time to forgive you or let you back into her heart. you have to be willing to give her that time. this goes back to the #2 you mentioned. my husband (before he was my husband) and i went through this a long time ago. he gave me time to learn how to trust him, and he did everything in his power to make sure that he gave me no reason to lose that trust again.

it is REALLY hard to fall back in love with someone after you've fallen out of it, and just as hard if not harder to learn how to trust again.

you say that "in some ways it sounds like she is just willing to put in the time and not the effort" but (and please don't be offended by this) you're not inside her mind so you can't know how much effort she is making to tear down those walls. it could take years. with my husband and i, i am STILL tearing down walls, and i'm constantly putting them right back up again. it is a battle, to love and be loved. as cliched as that sounds, it's true. love isn't tangible, it isn't solid and you can't see it, so it's really hard to hold on to sometimes and it's even harder to grab again once you've lost it or let go.

i hope this helps. it may just be more gibberish but i can relate to how she might be feeling with all of this.

[shezbut]

(((LonelyBird)))

Several of those statements are conflicting messages. That is very confusing! I can understand your feelings of hurt and despair. It is hard to see your partner moving back, especially in a time of life when you need their support more than ever.

I hope that you both continue to go to couple's therapy and work towards improving the communication and working towards the hurt each of you has caused the other. It can take a lot of time to work through issues, especially if the pain is deep. Try to be patient with you wife. It's worth the effort, imo.

Best wishes to you two!

[hamster-bamster]

I thought I read the original thread with care and attention, but apparently I did not, because I cannot get what all this conversation about forgiving you means. What were your horrible transgressions that she cannot forgive?? You sound like a mellow and peaceful fellow to me.