Help - I'm completely at a loss

I didn't notice when my husband shaved his beard (and apparently neither did 3 of our children). Took us almost a week and that was only because someone brought it to my attention.

Really? I can see not noticing a mustache gone, but not a beard

I have the same problem with sitting through movies. I think it is because I keep thinking of my problems and cannot clear my mind enough to focus on the plot. When I watched The Miiserables late at night, I simply fell asleep.

Can you relate?

If you continue on the self-sacrificial path with watching the movies with your wife, at least do research available offerings and pick the movies to watch yoourself, according to your tastes and interests. It will make the date a little less selfless.

Really. True story. I could blame my meds but I won't.

yeah, that's not going to happen. my wife does not hike. maybe if we could find a way to combine hiking and vodka.

I've often asked her to walk with me even though I do about 4 miles which she would not be able to do - one time she met me in the park that is part of my walk/run which I loved (and I told her so and have told her after that) not to walk - she drove there and drove home but at least she was with me.

hmmm... how to combine hiking and vodka? a short hike to a picnic? it would have to be short. maybe a seal watching walk with a flask filled with hot chocolate martini's? that might work. we've done the seal walk thing and she definitely does not like walking on the dunes.

even going into the city she will complain about me forcing her to walk everywhere - she wants to take cabs and I loathe cabs and she's not great on the subway either. I really should just suck it up and take a cab but the personal interaction with the cab driver and the worry about properly tipping (yes, its a worry for me) and the actually process of flagging down a cab (calling attention to ones' self) make it tough but I feel that her expectation of me is that I do this for her because I am the man and that is my role - I feel she's very much into me fulfilling me role as man in the relationship. Case in point, I have to make her drinks for her - her friends actually comment on this and ask why I have to make her drinks. Also, at a bar I have to order the drinks and I realize that this should not be difficult but it is and she should know that (I'm sure she does know its hard for me because I've told her - she just doesn't care because that's what she wants and expects and somehow my not doing it makes me feel less a man - I'm not sure if that's just me perceiving derision from her or actual derision from her)

we had a great picnic lunch on the beach which I think she loved. We have almost weekly lobster/clambakes in our backyard over the summer. We also enjoy going to wineries but that's dicey because I'm getting a lot more careful about drinking and driving which also causes problems because even when we go out socially with friends or to a friends house, I'm the one not drinking. Its not fun for me - I'm reserved enough already and to not be drinking around people who are sort of just makes me blend into the furniture - and don't get me wrong, I like to drink.

It seems that all of our time together centers around eating or drinking and I'm trying to lose weight and save money and doing all this eating and drinking is not good for either of those.

I thought the museum was a great idea and we'll do that - I'll drag her along but art's my thing not hers.

As part of her schoolboard duties, she has to attend sport events so we'd go to football games which was nice.

Opera is too expensive although I love Operas but she will go with me but doesn't like them. I don't really like broadway plays or musicals (except for a few) and they are expensive as well so those are only occasional things. I hate dancing - hate hate hate hate hate dancing every since I was a child traumatized by school dances afraid to talk to girls - I simply don't get dance.

It's give and take, she also needs to compromise on activities for dates. Part of being in a relationship is showing at least support for your partners intrests which sometimes means doing those interests with them, and trying to have a good time in their company without complaining. A little walk never killed anyone ( I don't think) and could actually be good for her mood. It's the attitude towards doing it and why, rather than actually just doing it once in a while I think. It is reasonable to go for a little walk once in a while, not a big request.

My bf and I have very different interests. He loves hockey, plays hockey, likes me to come watch him play sometimes, sometimes watch a game with him or go watch an nhl game. He also loves it when I will play a video game with him. I love yoga, he actually came with me last valentines because they had a bring your valentine night. He takes me to artsy places and things I want to do too. And we just do it because we want to see the other person feel happy, smiling and getting to share what is important or enjoyable for us with each other.

That is the most important part of dates, not really what you are doing but why you are doing it together.

There are sooo many options. I have serious food allergies and neither of us drinks so we don't centre around that.

Swiming, beach, bike ride, drive out to see the stars, make a craft or project together, go to a playground together and swing on the swings (for real..sometimes you just need to bring out the playful parts again), get a hotel for a night. Have a night in with massage. So many things...

We don't have a lot of money but we plan out a few things and save up a bit. Mostly we do things that don't cost, even just window shopping can be fun. The trick is that you both try to have some fun.

I dont like taxis for a whole other reason and do not like riding in them..I get that. I also get anxiety around tipping and all that jazz.

See I think this is why getting you two back on the same page might be more viable if you both see a counselor together at least long enough to difuse the anger a bit so that you guys can actually hear each other.

No you should NOT put your needs last, just as important as hers. They are both top priority and should been seen as such by both people.

You thought of a lot of good ideas and think you really do want this to work, I hope your wife will be able and willing to turn this around also. Usually all my bf has to say to me if he wants me to join him for an activity I don't really enjoy is " I would love it if you would do ..... with me ", or " It would be so much more fun with you by my side." I don't know if that works with her. But it is communicating that it is important, makes you happy, and it makes you feel wanted..that's romantic.

But no you can't do it by yourself, it is definatly up to both people to make it work.

In this day and age we can order our own drinks. might be a generational thing but I would rather order my own meals etc. Once in a while is nice but not all the time. Make her drinks for her...at home? Um again sometimes ok sure. Every time...no. I would feel upset by that also, like a maid...which is what I do for work. It seems it would be something somone would appreciate more if it happened not all the time and because you want to and are being thoughtful, rather than being made to do it and the person takes it for granted. I'm not sure what to say about that but that seems to be expecting a bit much on her part.

Sorry thats a bit long and all over the place. I really do hope things will work out for the two of you.

You mentioned that the wedding ring was too small for her because of her weight gain. To get fat fingers a woman needs to have gained a non-trivial amount of weight. If she refuses to walk, she will continue to gain weight and the resized ring will become too tight again.

yeah, its a pretty non-trivial amount of weight. I've also gained weight in the past 20 years - about 100 lbs at my worst put currently about 60 lbs and dropping.

you can't tell my wife anything - she believes that she is happy the way she is. our entire family is worried about her weight but she won't listen to anyone. we've basically given up discussing it with her so I know I'm the lucky one who gets to listen to her mother go on and on about it.

not to be crass but I started losing interest sexually when I could not put my arms around her completely and she could not be on top and her stomach extended further than her breasts. I clearly understand that this may be shallow but as I said in an earlier post, sex to me is not an ultimate expression of love its just one of many ways to express it and I should love her regardless based on her inner beauty but frankly folks, I'm not seeing a lot beauty there - I'm seeing a angry bitter nasty controlling person who's not getting her way anymore.
Honestly the weight issue would not be a problem except its coupled with anger and nastiness and bitterness and she thinks she's a wonderful fun loving person. She's also someone to whom sex means an extraordinary amount and although I could keep her satisfied in college as soon as I had to start working for a living to support us the fights started about me not having sex enough. I am stupid I guess - what man would not wish for a wife that wants sex.
I guess the part of the problem is that sex became a job.
I suppose I need to take a step back, appreciate what I have, understand that I can't have what I need or want and just deal with it.
Screw this. I don't understand and I don't know what to do

the whole drink thing I find to be controlling. yes, at home I'm expected to get her drinks.

I believe I try but maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I really am the problem. I simply don't know.

I see things where women are there for their man and respect him and support him and would do what they can for him. I give her my all and what I get in return is just more expectations.

I really believe that I'd likely be better off without her but I know that with my problems in interacting with people that without her, I'd have nothing. I can never find someone who is there for me just like I am there for them. Is that too much to ask. Just to have someone there for me.

I see. For tipping cab drivers though, can you use your cell phone's calculator? Therre are also phone apps that calculate tips for you. That seems to be a solvable problem, whether you stay with your wife or not.

Nobody should continue living in that situation. In my mind you have three options:

1. Work on your marriage.
2. Work on yourself.
3. Leave the marriage.

Lots of times divorce is the end result of marriage counselling. However, that is one outcome of several. It's really up to you, as unfair as that might seem.

Your feelings seem to be the biggest hurdle here. From what I've read in your thread, it does seem that you are an analytic person, and you also don't strike me as having the same level of emotional vocabulary that your wife does. Thus, you two are really not meeting in the middle and understanding each other.

Your role as a husband is to look after your wife's needs. Your role as a man is to look after your own needs. Naturally, it is difficult to look after needs if you don't know or understand what those truly are.

So, what are some things that you do currently, that make you happy?

What are the good parts about your wife, and your relationship with her?

What interactions with your wife do you enjoy?

got a call from the therapist today - she just came back to today. tried to make an appt but wife is mad again and won't. this time because I did not apologize to her face as I said I would in the email. my screwup as always. I just don't get this neverending streams of screwups that I manage to commit. I'm not a bad person. I don't hate my wife at all. I want to build a happy life with her. I can't take it anymore but I don't know what to do. I am most certainly not leaving the marriage - its not what I want despite the abuses I put up with. From what she says, she is the one that puts up with abuses but I'm not sure if its me or her that's the problem. This is how I live my life - worrying that I'm doing the right thing and usually failing to do the right thing. Its a terrible way to live. I'm sure she would say the exact same thing - living with emotional neglect and someone who consistently fails to show you love they way you need it to be shown, I'm sure is quite a toll.

I feel there is no meeting in the middle with my wife - its meet her needs he way or fail.
What are some of the things I do currently that make me happy - not much considering that I hate my job and life. A good run/walk makes me happy. Losing some weight in a week makes me happy. My children often make me happy.

whatever. I have to go pay some bills....

She would need to be a commanderin chief of a large army to be happy. You are just one man. You are not a large army. So you did not apologize in person. But if had. Apologized in person, she would have said that the apology was not good enough, that it was not heartfelllt enough, thatyour tone of voice was not deferential enough, and you were standing upright rather than kneeling down as should have been appropriate given the magnitude of your horrible transgressions.

Plus, therapy is not a reward for your good behavior. It is for two people to work on their problems together. Your wife is using t to punish you. That is not very cool.

Since you have a need to make other people happy, I suggest that you focus that energy on pleasing people who can be pleased and give up on those who cannot. Do you know how to make your girls happy? You probably do, so go ahead. Cab drivers are happy when you tip them, so learn how to do that correctly. Your wife is a bottomless pit.

I found a very interesting article on Huffington Post in the Divorce Section
What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

I can see this as being what I would be dealing with should we divorce. It would seem that I am mentally preparing myself for it. I've been trying to make things better and while she says she cannot live with my lack of emotion, I at least try. I see pretty clearly that all the effort to make things work is one-sided and I'd prefer not continue living in misery of never knowing what to do and always doing the wrong thing and basically hoping to die soon so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virgin...tml?ref=topbar

The thing is, if you divorce her, you will need to pay support, but it will be FINITE. Now, since she does not want to limit her expenditures, you have a boundless financial exposure. So it is not even certain that you would be worse off, financially, following divorce.

While you do report some unusual difficulties with socialization (say, most people do not find hiring cabs challenging), they do not seem catastrophic. So I believe that you would be able to find another woman eventually. Your world will not come to an end if you file for divorce. In fact, you migh even live longer in the end with less strress.

Plus, being taken for granted and not appreciated as a sex machine must be very tiring.

If you do divorce, your property will likely be divided and you may not have the option to stay in your home unless you can buy your wife's share out (I believe you talked about this in a different post). The property division includes the house, retirement accounts, the cars (even if solely in your name), etc. I would check the divorce laws in your state. This is in addition to spousal support as Hamster mentioned, and also child support if she has custody. Big things to think about.

It sounds like your wife is impossible to please, I'm sorry to say. You shouldn't blame yourself.

My ex is the same way. He's been harassing me for the last 17 years. He will change the rules mid-game, not tell you the new rules, and then get mad at you for not following them. It's maddening. We've been divorced over 10 years and he still hasn't changed.

Those are all really good things. It's great that your children make you happy. Give your love to them. I bet they'll appreciate it.

Unhappy jobs suck. Maybe you could make a change there?

Today was my first session since December when the therapist went out for medical leave. She's back and doing well it seems. It was nice to see her.

Today we covered the recent problems with my marriage and the recent improvements in my treatment of me.

I'm getting stronger and believing in myself more and trying to improve myself. I want to be able to do the things I want and enjoy them. I've spent my life trying to make others happy and to live for others and I have destroyed myself and I am miserable and I am not allowing that anymore. I am important and my feelings have value.

This newfound independence is one thing that is shaking up my marriage. I've reached the point where I will not allow my feelings to be not only brushed aside but used against me. When I tell my wife my feelings, and rather than working with me on them says how hurtful those feelings are to her - that's a problem. I'm beginning to understand that she will never be there to work on my feelings and that I will never be able to do all the right things at the right time because those things were used to keep me in line. It was all good (somewhat) when I willing to take it all on me as being the problem and try and try and try to be better but that always ended up failing as well. The old approach did not work and led me to therapy. The new approach to becoming independent and stronger has the exact same effect on the relationship - my wife still accuses me of not meeting her emotional needs. The difference is that now I value myself and I understand that its not all me and if we really want to change the change has to be on both parties.

Therapist believes that my wife is not happy with herself and projects this onto me. She was also saying the physical health and mental health are linked and that my wife's weight could be an issue. My wife should see a therapist as well to work on her feelings.


I expressed that I don't know what to do about the current situation with my wife but I won't go back to accepting all the blame. I'm also becoming aware that the continued action of my wife to ignore my feelings is not acceptable. I will try to meet her needs but she also has to start understanding my feelings - going back to the old way is unacceptable. This is why we are at an impasse. I'm happy to be seeing things for how they really are and I'm happy that I'm getting stronger but I'm unhappy that its ending my marriage - well sort of - I'm unhappy if ending the marriage has a negative impact on the kids - if it means I'm free then I'm good with that. If it also really means that my wife can find someone who can meet her needs then I'm good with that too.

For me, I need to develop a structured schedule to carve out time for me to pursue the things I enjoy. I will carve out time to read, to paint, to learn the bass, to work on the car, to work on the house, to work on motorcycles. I need to learn to stop being afraid to live my life. That is my mission to make myself stronger. I am worth it and I need to start to build a life for me.

That does not exclude my wife and family from anything - they can only exclude themselves - they are always included to be part of my life.

What I will not do is accept all the blame for the problems in our relationship and I also will not allow my feelings to brushed aside and turned against me.

If my wife wants to leave me, she can leave. Part of the problem is that she won't physically leave which subjects me to hatred and hostility on a daily basis.

The plan looks good.

Just make sure you execute the plan, OK?

that is key, isn't it.

I am already executing part of it by not backing down even though I know that will likely end my marriage. I can't allow myself to disappear. I'm going to execute the focus on me part of it now - my work day has ended and I'm going to cook some dinner and do things I enjoy for the rest of the evening.

my wife has taken the fight to facebook posting all these trite little pictures with comments that clearly are directed at me. she complained that I never commented on her 'loving' posts before - which I didn't too often because I'm not on facebook that much and really don't treat it as a priority - so know I'm commenting on her nasty posts but in a positive way and that has made her mad too.

the extent to which I cannot "win" (its not a contest to win) has reached ridiculous levels and has actually become humorous to me.

and I'd really like to say thank you to everyone who has provided some advice and guidance especially those who have stuck with this through what is now a 5 page saga and growing (like hamster-bamster).

That you see a humorous part in it is great news! Way to go.