[drunksunflower]

So.

I think I have moaned about this to a couple of people already. Now I am even more confused ...

1) 3+ years ago meet guy, DJ with his own record (vinyl) shop
2) Get on very well, hang out, hook up etc
3) We live in different cities but see each other when I'm in his
4) I find out through mutual friend he has a GIRLFRIEND
5) In way deep. Things continue on
6) She finds out about me possibly through his phone (text messages). I start getting calls and hangups
7) She messes up, doesn't block her number, I ring it back and it's her workplace
8) I tell him, he gets angsty but is reasonable
9) I go travelling in Europe, I still get hang up calls
10) He takes me seriously, goes thru her phone bills (useless, she calls from work), has her up about it, she denies it
11) I get really grrrr about it all, email her and tell her what I think of her behaviour and what was going on with me and him
12) He ends up semi forgiving me (they break up briefly) and saying when I get back to NZ to give him a call but leave him till then
13) I go nutty while living in Glasgow, call him when I try n OD
14) He HATES me for a year and a bit (after helping me at the time)
15) Breaks up with the freaky gf.
16) Starts talking to me again
17) We are getting on so well ... he knows me so well, all my dark secrets, there is as much sexual tension as ever
18) Last Sat night he comes over ... I am dressed up in princess skirt from ball prev night ... stuff happens ... but i send him home at 4am
19) Last night he asks me where 'we' are at ... what do I feel, where do I think things are going
20) I don't know what to say .. so I say I sent him home because I was exhausted from prev night and also wanted us to take a step back before we went any further and see what we wanna do from here
21) He's cool with that but ... I think we decided to keep seeing what happens ...

WHAT DO I DO????????

He cheated with his gf with me. And has 'overlapped' other girlfriends in the past as well.

But we are older ... we are maybe wiser?

Do leopards change their spots?

Do I take the chance ... might he do it to me?

Is it a bad time to take a chance on a relationship?

I am sooooo confused ....

[Maven]

Some people do change, but rarely. Whatever you do, don't feel pressured. It's okay to not want a commitment, or to date him without "going steady." Obviously, he needs to be aware that you're not exclusive, but he has to expect that it's hard for you to trust him. Just be honest about what you need.

well... i guess i would have some trouble with trusting him...

he seems to have something of a history of emotional affairs. so if you were his girlfriend... how would you feel about him having relationships with other women the way he had one with you while he had a girlfriend?

he seems to have a history of that... and history is likely to repeat unless he makes a committed effort to learning to change his behaviour and... is he going to do that?

so... if you were to have a relationship with him and he were to have an emotional affair, how would you feel about that? if you would be okay with it then I guess there is no problem... if you wouldn't be okay with it then I guess you need to have a chat to him about whether he is willing to make a committment to changing his behaviour BEFORE you make a committment to being with him.

maybe that is too intense... sounds like you have been friends for a while, though. sounds like it is kinda at that intense time...

it might be that...

he likes girls 'fighting' over him. that he got some kinda kick out of that. that he likes the drama. i guess you need to think about whether you would like a life like that... or not.

relationship councelling could be an option. to learn stuff to try and keep the lines of communication open...

but then it might be the case that he just doesn't have good interpersonal boundaries and he gets very intimately involved with a number of women... would you be okay with that?

i don't know. honestly... i don't know. i'm not very good at relationships lol.

but then... i guess... i've been burned. and there is no way, there is no %#@&#! way that is going to happen again. and what that means is that i've decided... i'd rather be alone than be with someone i wasn't sure 100%. and so... i am alone... but it might be... that you are prepared to comprimise more than me... i dont' know.

(i just mean that i'm likely to be alone forever and i guess there is probably a middle ground that i haven't managed to find)

um... i guess what i'd be worried about is the pattern of seeking emotional support / connection from people outside when it is more appropriate to seek that emotional support / connection from within the relationship. or to go to some kinda councelling to make the committment to figure what is going wrong with the relationship rather than emotionally cheating...

there is of course such a thing as a fling... that is what i tend to do. of course i'll probably be alone forever in terms of relationships... but that doesn't mean i have to forgo sex HELL NO!!! and thus I have various 'arrangements' at different times. which is kinda okay (sometimes). and... there is no committment / expectation in terms of being faithful or anything. so those can be fun... but i guess the main trouble is that one person can get more attached than the other and then someone is going to get hurt...

Hi drunksunflower. Seems a complicated situation… Not sure what to advise, but at the end of the day, you have to decide what you really want deep down. Do you see yourself with him in, say, 10 years time? Can he be, and remain, faithful to you through the years?

He does however seem somewhat inconsistent and disloyal (e.g. hating you for a year, then giving you a chance, having a gf!!!). I personally, would be (very) wary of that. I think you have to decide carefully, and talk it through with him, whether he can be trusted. If you find that you still want a relationship with him after all, then boundaries have to be set. He also needs to decide whether he can, and wants to, be with one partner on a long-term basis.

More importantly, don’t settle for second-best just because he has been there for you on occasion. Everyone deserves someone who is faithful and present to *one* (i.e. their own) partner 'until death do us part' basically.