[SaoirseRylyn]

I've been seeing my current boyfriend for four months. We met online while I was still living in Chicago. We first met in person on my multiple visits to Texas to look for an apartment. Right when I moved here we rushed into a relationship.

Before Relationship
- He knows I had lived in foster homes.
- He knows I was eventually adopted.
- He knows my real father is an alcoholic.
- He knows my real mother lives in a foreign country.
- He knows I started working as a stripper at 18 to secure my own place to live.
- He knows my only relationship lasted 3 years before my boyfriend suffered a severe mental breakdown.

Start of Relationship
- He now knows I have an adopted brother that lives in Texas, hence my interest in moving here.
- He now knows that I was abused in the foster homes.
- He now knows that while working as a stripper, I was abducted and beaten up pretty bad one night after work. I had several major surgeries as the result of it.

I thought we were making progress when he opened up to me and told me that he had been neglected as a child and now suffers from dissociative identity disorder. I explained to him that after everything I have seen in this life, I am never in a position to judge another. Since then, I have tried telling him little bits and pieces of what has happened to me. I desperately want someone in my life that I am not afraid to talk to. At first, he didn't really respond, he would change the subject or sit there silently. I attributed it to the fact that he was either speechless or something.

Then a few weeks ago, I was explaining to him about the surgeries I had since HE asked about a scar. He didn't respond to me, he just says... "You know, I tell my best friend so and SK about you and the things you tell me. It kind of irritates me that he doesn't believe you. He thinks you're lying, this kind of **** sounds like something out of a movie."
I wanted to hang up on him and start crying so badly. I've had that same reaction to people in my past and it cuts to the bone. Last week, my roommates car was stolen out of our garage by a couple of college aged kids, it was such a crazy night... we didn't sleep at all. However, with all of the excitement going on - I was scared to tell my boyfriend for fear that this would turn into "Just another CRAZY Saoirse story."

I feel so betrayed and degraded. I don't know if this is my own insecurity or something I should be genuinely concerned about. If so, I wouldn't have any idea how to talk to him about it.

Please help me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by SaoirseRylyn

I don't know if this is my own insecurity or something I should be genuinely concerned about. If so, I wouldn't have any idea how to talk to him about it.

No, it is not your insecurity. People who share their life stories want to be believed. You have a valid concern. I do not know what to do about it and whether the bf is a good choice, but I acknowledge that you have a valid concern.

What is the situation with the scars? Will they go away? How has your recovery from the surgeries been so far? Who paid for the surgeries?

I think its very valid to be believed and also heard - and I do think he believes you. He said of his friend that he was irritated by his friends disbelief. He might have been clumsy and not thinking how that comment would make you feel. Are there many things that make you question his behaviour?

And I think that his being quiet when you tell him things that have happened to you is a fairly normal reaction for most. Not many people know what to say, and it can make them mute. I had it over a couple of things, concerning my brother and I in the past when things went very wrong for us, and my fella lost his sister many years ago to cancer, and some of their so-called friends and neighbours would cross the street to avoid them, rather than just express their sympathy. Although the actions are hurtful, I do not think that for most people, its meant to be, its just ignorance/fear and not really knowing how to act. It also sounds like your b/f has gone though a few things himself, and if he's from a family that never spoke about anything, then this can all seem really difficult for him.

Have you ever tried talking to him about things? Say something along the lines of "its okay to ask questions, I'll be happy to answer them the best I can", or tell him gently that his lack of empathy is hurtful, and making you feel uncomfortable, but try and not do it after you've shared something if emotions are running high. Try and encourage him to engage with you? I think its worth a try, and as with all relationships, its good communication from both people that's the key to a steady, healthy and loving relationship. Neither of you are mind-readers after all and he may just need a nudge in the right direction.

Best of luck, and hugs to you. I hope you get the happiness you so deserve.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by SaoirseRylyn

now suffers from dissociative identity disorder

try posting on the forum for dissociation on this site to pick the brains of that forum's participants. What if he is dissociating when he listens to your stories?? that may explain the lack of empathy on his end.

[hamster-bamster]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=30 is the forum I have in mind for you.

[SaoirseRylyn]

hamster-bamster: The scars are mainly on my stomach and one small one over my eye (which is barely noticeable). My doctor mentioned that eventually I can use a product like mederma to help reduce the scaring. He says that waiting longer will make it work better. I'm fully recovered from the surgeries. The medical bills were covered by a victim's assistance program, so luckily I didn't have to worry about all of that. I was living in Illinois at the time that happened. I will definitely head over to the dissociation forum with issues directly involving my boyfriend, however this seemed more related to my own relationship issues. I guess maybe it's both of us, afterall we're in this together.

riotgrrrl: I had thought about the fact that it IS his friends opinion. It probably is, but I get really insecure thinking he either agrees with his friend behind my back or is too scared to tell me that it's not how his friend feels, but how he feels. Geez, that sounds really messed up. You're definitely right that we need to work on our communication. Doing the long distance thing for a while kept the relationship really light hearted. I guess sooner or later I'll have to learn how to handle these issues with him. No use wasting my time with someone that doesn't trust me or care to know, better to talk to him and find out sooner rather than later. He had a really terrible childhood, but hasn't opened up to me on the extent of the neglect. Having developed something like DID, I imagine things were a lot worse than he leads them on to be. Thanks for the great advice, you post really opened my eyes to a couple of things that I was being too selfish to realize. Thank you!