[Leipziger]

I guess if my first post gets approved I should elaborate on why I feel that way about at least most of my family. Well to begin, my parents, while I do love them, have never been ideal ones. No parents are perfect really, but here's a bit of my justification for that. My mother is an abusive and manipulative alcoholic. She's been that way since my childhood. She drinks about a case of beer a day, and when she's drunk, she gets mean and starts drama most of the time. As a kid I would typically find her passed out drunk sitting on the toilet. She has a social work degree, but chose instead to work as a florist at a flower shop in the town I grew up in. She has never pursued a career with her degree or any higher career. While I understand that the education you receive doesn't always translate to what your career will be, I still think if you have a degree that either involves technical skill, or prepares you for service like that, you should pursue that. She would always cause actual fights at night time during my years in middle school. Back then a good night's sleep was a luxury. She tried to commit suicide in front of me, but I stopped her. She needs help, but refuses outright. After my parents finally divorced, she stayed with her longtime friends and basically sucked them dry financially by drinking and not doing any work. She continually burns bridges with people. My father was also not great. He was never faithful to my mother, and I've only seen him show her genuine affection a few times in all the years they were together. In response to her drunken outbursts he sometimes resorted to beating her, my brother and I often had to step in. Whoever started a fight is irrelevant, you don't hit women, and you don't beat someone you love. He also only worked a 20 something dollar an hour job, but spent money like he was making 50 an hour. He bought a luxury car when I was younger, and couldn't afford it. He has never saved a penny for the future, and whenever problems arise, he has no savings to fall back on. He borrows from other people in those cases, and has paid none of those people, (mostly family) back or even thanked them. I went back to the country I visited in my exchange year to try and immigrate, when I had my first bipolar episode, it was psychotic. I've decided to forgive somewhat because he did come and get me from that foreign mental hospital. The alternatives would have been to stay there as a permanent patient even though the psychosis faded, or be an illegal alien there and live as a one of the dregs in that society. When I returned to the U.S. I was told to stay with my mom, who's living with my grandmother. When my symptoms flared up, instead of helping me through it, they both sent me to live my dad. I always paid my way with my dad, with rent, food, my own cellphone, my own transportation, internet, everything. Turning to my extended family is not an option because I for one reason or another couldn't go to family reunions and they act like my brother and I don't exist, and the ones that probably wouldn't have done that are all dead. Despite all this, I've tried to patch things up with my family, tried to have a relationship with my mother, tried contacting my other estranged relatives. Recently I was in the hospital for sever throat pains that caused me to fall to my knees when they hit, which was when I walked more than a hundred feet, took a deep breath, or swallowed. When I asked for a ride to the hospital, my mother couldn't use my grandma's car because she had been drinking. My dad's phone was disconnected, and I was at work and he was home. My brother lives in another state, so I had nobody to turn to, and I don't have a primary physician or insurance for that matter. I felt abandoned again, and I decided then and there, to not talk to my mother again, unless she comes to me and tries to make it up to me. Her response so far is, "you can't get upset with me" I hung up and put her on my reject list. Am I wrong for making this decision?

Am so sorry that you've had such a rough time. Sounds awful.

As for putting your mum on your reject list, well. If you can't deal with the way she is, you better off without her. I do not mean that unkindly, but more matter of fact. Just be sure that this is the right thing for you before you act on anything.

I do not speak to either of my parents, as of June this year. I just found them to be a negative impact on my life, that I needed to walk away. There was no talking to them, no sorting things out and moving forward (tho I did try) and I came to realise that they will never change, I will never hear what I wanted to hear and I will never have an equal, adult relationship with them.

But it is hard at times. Most of the time am fine, but occasionally, suddenly I'll get hit with a wave of sadness, or even anger. But I know for me I have done the right thing, at least for now. Both of my parents are approaching their 70's, and I know one day, I will have to deal with the guilt when they die, and the guilt over how I had not been there for them in a daughter role. But it is still not enough for me to want a relationship with them.

I hope you can make a new support network. Are there any groups near you, with other bipolar folk? Do you have friends that you can talk to? What about a therapist? I hope you do have a support network, as it can be quite lonely without a family, even a rotten one.

Hugs

You are not wrong for making that decision. As difficult as it is, you did the right thing ... Even though she is your mother, it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your physical and emotional wellbeing at the altar of her drunken dysfunction.

Give yourself permission to let her go with love and work on your own healing and recovery process for a while.

You aren't doing anything wrong for wanting to be healthier.

[shezbut]

I agree with the other posters, Leipziger.

I, myself, have tried many times to fix my family relationships ~ to no avail. Staying within them was only holding me down. Keeping me in deep, dark depression with very frequent suicidal ideation. It has not been easy for me to maintain this distance, despite coming forward with an honest and open request for the entire family to leave me alone ~ as I try to work through these dark memories and emotions.

Unfortunately, my parents still push me beyond my limits... as my mom & dad are coming to pick my daughters up from my apartment tomarrow afternoon. I sure as hell didn't invite them...and I'm DREADING seeing them again!! But, I digress... Try to stand firm in the limits that you seriously want and need from your family. Come straight out and lay it all out for them.

I wish you the very best ~ gentle hugs to you.

[Leed]

Be careful when burning your bridges, because you may find down the road that you need someone, and that "someone' just MIGHT be family. For instance, if you're in the hospital, and you're unable to make any decisions for yourself, who would you want to make decisions FOR you? A stranger? I doubt it. I would think you'd want family members to make the decisions regarding your health for you. So be careful about totally rejecting family members. You may live to regret it.

I understand that some family may be toxic to us. We just don't have to spend alot of time with them. But don't cut them off completely for the above reason. It could be VERY important to you if/when you're in the hospital.

Think this thru very carefully before you cut any ties. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Leipziger]

I apologize for the late response. My life has been a bit hectic. I have been building my own support network in real life, not just online. I now have a therapist, and I'm also seeing my regular psychiatrist again. I ran out of medication and suffered a relapse. That marked the fourth time I was hospitalized. It was only an overnight stay that time because medication was the only real problem, and I was in some level of control over it. I'm doing better, my mother and I are talking because she found out she might be seriously ill. I've made it clear to her that I can't deal with her (no real word for it) and myself too, but that I still and always will love her.