[familydisfunction]

I have been dealing with this situation for years, but recently have become concerned it will impact my children ... and thus it has become a real issue.

Background: My Mother-In-Law is the center of all relationships. She relays all family information (aka GOSSIP) and controls all incoming and outgoing communication. My husband and his two brothers communicate with each other primarily through her (and occasionally my FIL as well). How they choose to communicate (or their lack of communication) has annoyed me, but recently has me a bit more on edge. This is not merely a communication issue, but a feeling that my husbands parents must be involved in everything and looped into everything. I have put an end to my husbands constant sharing of OUR family information to his parents, but this still exists between his siblings and himself and extended family members.

I suggested to my husband (yesterday) that we go see his brother and our sister-in-law. The kids rarely see them (I believe, because the contact must route through his parents) and were asking about them. He agreed (but seemed hesitant) and then quickly said "You know, we will have to invite my mom too". His brother lives about an hour from us, his mother only about 20 minutes from his brother. That was one excuse. The then also suggested because his father was out of town she'd have to be invited, which is obviously totally unrelated.

Looking back I addressed this wrong, and ended up mocking him (in a way) in that he thinks we have to invite his mother if we are going to see his brother. I scolded him that his relationships with his brothers were independent of his mother and that (in turn) our kids needed to have a chance to connect with his brothers (their uncles) without his parents (and the WHOLE GANG) always there. He didnt agree with me, but rather shut down. We did make plans to go there and did not invite his mother. Unfortunately, she randomly decided to do a drop-in at his brothers house while we were there. I could tell my husband felt like he was caught cheating - today I can tell he is still feeling guilty for seeing his brother and not letting his mother know.

So, a very long story short, I am not sure how to move forward here. I think my kids relationships will all of his family members are important. However, I dont think that they will be able to build relationships with each Aunt, Uncle, and Grandparent if every single gathering is a big family to-do. I also feel bad for insulting my husband while trying to explain that this family dynamic is unhealthy - not just for him, but for me, and now our children.

[Travelinglady]

Alas, only your husband can deal with this situation. You can tell him again that you don't think it's healthy, but if he will not deal with it, then I'm afraid you're stuck with the big family gatherings.

That's my take on it anyway. Maybe someone else here will speak up, too. Hang in here and we'll see.....

[Leed]

I'm sorry but he sounds like a 'mama's boy.' All the kids do, and it IS unhealthy. This woman sticks her nose into places where she shouldn't be, and someone needs to deal with her. And it SHOULD be one of the boys!! Trouble is, it looks like it's never going to happen. If your husband felt guilty cause he didn't invite his mother to his brothers house with you, then I'm afraid it's a lost cause.

This stinks. She must have started brainwashing these boys from the time they were born. She's a nosy old crone in my book. She reminds me of my ex-mother in law. YUCK. That woman was the death of me, until I got so mad at her, I called her everything in the book and ordered her out of my home! My husband actually agreed with me, but was too scared to say anything to her -- so I had to be the "bad guy."

It's up to your husband to do something about this. I agree that your kids should have separate relationships with each uncle/aunt etc., without the old crone around all the time. And she has NO business knowing everyone else's business! She needs to get a life of her own. You might suggest she join the local Senior's group -- they always have social events, etc. Maybe that will keep her busy.

I wish I knew what else to tell you. I tend to be a stubborn Irish woman, and I wouldn't go if SHE was going to be there, but i DON'T suggest that for you. It would undoubtedly cause more trouble, but that's just the way I am. LOL I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee