[Valentinedemorcerf]

I've got a strange problem and I'm looking for advice, preferably from married people.

I am a virgin, and so is my boyfriend, soon-to-be-fiance. We've been together since *junior high* and we are now entering our first year of college together. We've never broken up, and we have changed so much with each other and because of each other, and we have absolutely no desire to see other people. We have been planning our marriage for a very long time, for it to happen the summer after our freshman year of college (obviously, there isn't going to be much of a proposal, as we've been in cahoots on this for quite a few years ). It is drawing closer and closer, and I am excited beyond belief. (If you would like to talk with me about the wisdom our plans, please personally message me, because that is not what yI wish to talk about on a public forum). We are both Christian, and we have done nothing but grow stronger together in our relationships with Christ. We don't believe in sex before marriage.

However, as the date draws nearer I'm realizing that I am absolutely terrified of having sex.. Like, it makes me want to go hide. In a closet. Like, the fear is paralyzing. And it makes no sense, because many times have I wanted it *so bad*, and still do. I am probably one of the innocent-est people you'll ever meet, but I don't know if that is it. I've confided in Mr. Future Husband, and he's incredibly understanding. The poor darling even offered that he would wait for as long as I needed to be ready, even if I decided to never be. But of course I don't want that.. :P If anyone would like more information they can personally message me. I need But anyway, has anyone else experienced this? How did you overcome it? Any advice?

[JLarissaDragon]

Sex is a natural part of God's plan for human beings. It is one of the most beautiful parts of a marriage.--two people intimately connected. As a woman you can learn to enjoy sex and find a lot of fulfillment. In fact I look forward to making love with my husband whenever the time arises.
Think of sex as a way to tell him how much you love him. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is all a part of God's wonderful design.
Having said all of that, I can understand that it may seem strange at first. Be patient and gentle with each other. You might also read some articles on sex in marriage. There is plenty of stuff out there that will help you with some of the techniques and ways to perform. It need not be "dirty". I have a feeling that after you are married it will all work out. Relax and enjoy

[Croc.Tears]

I wish I could help you but I pretty much feel the same way you do! And I don't see any humans as "special" or "soul mates" -- they're all the same to me. I can't love one human above another, as if they are "special" -- they're all special, and not one is more special than another.

[Leed]

I remember feeling the EXACT same way, sweetie. I too was a virgin when I got married, and I was scared to death. I was so naive - I'd never seen a man naked! I didn't have any brothers either.

Unfortunately my new husband was NOt a virgin, so he wasn't at "patient" as I would have liked him to be. LOL It was "ok" but not quite what I had hoped. LOL

Just make sure your new husband is very slow and patient with you, and you'll be just fine. It will be a great, loving experience that shows each other how much you love one another. You are "as one." So don't worry -- it will come naturally my friend. I promise. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[drcz24]

My wife and I were much like the two of you. We were together for 8 years before we were married. After a certain amount of abstaining it becomes the norm and you don't want to break out from that. I would suggest once you're married and ready to be intimate you just try pleasuring each other by hand with the lights off under the covers. That way it's just touching. Hopefully that breaks the ice enough to lead to other sexual activities and an overall healthy sexual relationship as you 2 explore each others bodies. Most of all, each of you needs to be completely open about what each of you want sexually and what you are and are not comfortable doing for each other so there isn't any misunderstandings.

I am male virgin and am terrified of sex . No advice but I do understand the fear. There doesn't seem to be resources for this fear either.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by JLarissaDragon

.... Having said all of that, I can understand that it may seem strange at first. Be patient and gentle with each other. You might also read some articles on sex in marriage. There is plenty of stuff out there that will help you with some of the techniques and ways to perform. It need not be "dirty". I have a feeling that after you are married it will all work out. Relax and enjoy.....

Do you have any article suggestions?


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[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Croc.Tears

I wish I could help you but I pretty much feel the same way you do! And I don't see any humans as "special" or "soul mates" -- they're all the same to me. I can't love one human above another, as if they are "special" -- they're all special, and not one is more special than another.

Loving someone romantically is not feeling that they are special, or neglecting love for other people because of your love for them. It's something different entirely... It's learning to humble yourself and love them and serve them for all the lovely things about them and accepting all of their flaws, and it's them doing the same for you in turn. It's learning to be vulnerable to someone and learning to guard somebody else's heart. Actually, loving someone in such a way can make you more understanding and loving of all human beings, because it helps you realize that we are all not so different, or better, or worse than each other after all. You see, I'm really good at all this emotional stuff, just not the physical stuff. :P

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[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Leed

I remember feeling the EXACT same way, sweetie. I too was a virgin when I got married, and I was scared to death. I was so naive - I'd never seen a man naked! I didn't have any brothers either.

Unfortunately my new husband was NOt a virgin, so he wasn't at "patient" as I would have liked him to be. LOL It was "ok" but not quite what I had hoped. LOL

Just make sure your new husband is very slow and patient with you, and you'll be just fine. It will be a great, loving experience that shows each other how much you love one another. You are "as one." So don't worry -- it will come naturally my friend. I promise. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Yeah I'm in about the same situation as far as my own ignorance goes. :P I don't even masturbate, which according to my female friends is what a NORMAL person does, but.... I dunno. I just don't really care all that much. Though also I deal with depression, so my sex drive tends to be pretty low anyway.

My boyfriend is a virgin, but through a couple of our early years together he struggled with porn addiction (though he's been clean for at least two years now) . And now he's the one telling me that he'd rather marry me and have a celibate marriage than marry someone else. :P So i don't know exactly WHAT his expectations are. He's changed so much.
Thank you.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by drcz24

My wife and I were much like the two of you. We were together for 8 years before we were married. After a certain amount of abstaining it becomes the norm and you don't want to break out from that. I would suggest once you're married and ready to be intimate you just try pleasuring each other by hand with the lights off under the covers. That way it's just touching. Hopefully that breaks the ice enough to lead to other sexual activities and an overall healthy sexual relationship as you 2 explore each others bodies. Most of all, each of you needs to be completely open about what each of you want sexually and what you are and are not comfortable doing for each other so there isn't any misunderstandings.

Good Lord Almighty, eight years. That's closer to what we originally planned on--We wanted to wait till we had our bachelor's. But we've waited so long already, we'd rather be poor marred kids whose family thinks they're nuts rather than sad college kids who wait, and wait, and wait, and get lots of accusations of sex before marriage from the overly suspicious Christian grandparents. :P I admire that you were able to wait that long. Though I think you described what I'm feeling exactly, which I have been unable to put into words. It's scary to move on from such a comfortable phase which we've been in for so long.

Oh my gosh. *hides face in hands* And I don't even know how I'll react when things get a tiny bit steamy. I might clam up and run into the bathroom and refuse to come out. At least that's what I feel like doing when I think about it. :P

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

I am male virgin and am terrified of sex . No advice but I do understand the fear. There doesn't seem to be resources for this fear either.

I KNOW! I feel like the only person on the planet who deals with this. I think it may be because us virgins are a dwindling group. :\

[Big Mama]

It's like getting a dental work at the dentist office. It is the impending since of doom that is worse then the procedure itself. Honeymoon night is much the same way. Sure it's all good fun but knowing what is coming makes it tough. Me and my H did that first thing so it would be over and we could proceed to enjoy ourselves w/ the rest of the honeymoon.
It was not even our first time w/ ea other but it was still awkward.

[hamster-bamster]

If you are afraid, you can start with oral sex. Your husband will be pleased and you can carefully inch your way to vaginal sex without feeling any pressure. I assume that what you are scared of is vaginal sex, right?

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If you are afraid, you can start with oral sex. Your husband will be pleased and you can carefully inch your way to vaginal sex without feeling any pressure. I assume that what you are scared of is vaginal sex, right?

Nope. Pretty much all sex. Well okay most sex. Depends on what you qualify as "sex". And also oral will never be an option for me..... A very small percentage of women have a severe intestinal immune reaction to semen. This usually includes vomiting. I have a *very* severe phobia of vomiting. And therefore I'm never going to find out if I'm a part of that small percentage. Ever.

[Maven]

One thing that's important before penetration is that you're aroused. You don't have to go "all the way" the first time. As others have said, just explore each other's bodies, with no pressure to go beyond that, and try to relax and enjoy the sensations. Learn what you like and what you don't. Let him know what you like and what you don't. Everyone's different; there isn't a right way and a wrong way to enjoy sex.

As for oral, that's your prerogative, and I certainly understand your fear. Does your fiance (I don't really agree with "soon-to-be-fiance" because if you know you and he want to get married, then you're already engaged) know how you feel about performing oral sex? Some guys expect it, but you shouldn't do anything you don't want to. I find the taste of semen makes me want to vomit, so maybe I'm one of those women you talked about. I have never actually vomited, so maybe not, but even the anticipation of semen in my mouth (or sometimes just the smell of it) causes me to react strongly.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Maven

One thing that's important before penetration is that you're aroused. You don't have to go "all the way" the first time. As others have said, just explore each other's bodies, with no pressure to go beyond that, and try to relax and enjoy the sensations. Learn what you like and what you don't. Let him know what you like and what you don't. Everyone's different; there isn't a right way and a wrong way to enjoy sex.

As for oral, that's your prerogative, and I certainly understand your fear. Does your fiance (I don't really agree with "soon-to-be-fiance" because if you know you and he want to get married, then you're already engaged) know how you feel about performing oral sex? Some guys expect it, but you shouldn't do anything you don't want to. I find the taste of semen makes me want to vomit, so maybe I'm one of those women you talked about. I have never actually vomited, so maybe not, but even the anticipation of semen in my mouth (or sometimes just the smell of it) causes me to react strongly.

One sucky thing about the arousal thing is that I'm not nearly as easily aroused as I used to be. This is partially because of abstaining for so long (boundaries become habits) , and this is partly because I HAVE to be on birth control for PCOS (or else I am a total nutcase for two weeks out of the month--like panic attacks and everything--and have various physical symptoms I won't go into) which causes decreased sex drive, and because my antidepressant (imiprimine) probably isn't the best choice for increasing sex drive (and it hardly even works. Hmmph. I just haven't gotten up the courage to change or go off of it yet). So the prospect of me just FORGETTING my fear in the heat of the moment.... Isn't that great. Which really sucks and I don't know what to do about that. Other than try another antidepressant. Or maybe try to go off it and just see my T more.

Hehe, I don't say "fiance" because it's not official beyond our parents knowing yet. We're waiting for closer to the wedding (like within four months) for the "proposal" (hahaha) because we're very young, and we hope that it will make it seem to the rest of the family like we thought about it more. :P because you know, they don't really understand that we've been thinking about it for years now.

He actually doesn't even care. ^_^ Also I tend to have a pretty (okay really) weak stomach so it wouldn't be a good idea regardless.

[Raindropvampire]

First off I have to say I love your name! Huge huge Count fan here. Even if you didn't get your name from the Count of Monte Cristo I still like it.

Since your BF is a virgin too he probably is very nervous himself. It is a very natural function and can be quite enjoyable once you figure it out. Just remember this is a learning experience for you both. Be secure in the knowledge that he loves you and will be patient with you.

[Timgt5]

Your fears are understandable, its a new realm, with lots of questions, concerns and expectations

Here is my take.

First is that you have to clear your mind of expectations, and allow things to unfold naturally. The other thing is that sex is more deeply enjoyed in a relaxed state. When the time comes I would recomend starting off slowly. A proper massage is good opening that will allow you to learn and explore each others bodies, and understand aspects of touch that turn each other on, or not. There are a lot of books and videos to help teach the basics, the rest is learning the preferences of the person you are with. Take your time and don't rush. I would suggest low lights and some slow relaxing music softly playing in the background. Sex should be not just an event, but a night of passion, a set of ever engaging opening acts followed by a climatic moment. Experiment with things like scented oil, ice, sweet foods like strawberries, etc..

Also do not worry if the first time is not the bell ringing, firework inducing spetacular event you see in Romantic films, sex is an acquired skill that takes patience, practice and a willingness to learn. If the two of you truly love each other as your post states, you will want to spend a lifetime learning together.

I hope that helps.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

I most definitely got it from the count. the unabridged version is of course my favorite. What a lovely book. I cried so hard at the end. And people say the movie is better.... Pah! Anyways...

That's a comforting thought. But I still don't know that the nerves will go away until it happens, which is the hard part. :P I suppose it's sort of like my first solo musical performance. I was so nervous I was almost sick. It was a complete disaster, but I did better than I thought I would and now, many solos/small ensembles and auditions later, the nerves are nothing but a helpful buzz and I am confident when I perform. If I had never forced myself through that tremendously awful first time (or the first couple times), I would have never known the joy that is performing now. *tries to breath deeply*

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you'll be fine so long as you have a lot of communication so both of you can meet one another desires. (Like if something hurts or doesn't feel good, if something feels good...)

I don't think you should FEEL you need to lose your "vaginal virginity" after you're married, but I do think that you should get to know one another on a physical level and open the door. Maybe if you're comfortable with him seeing you topless, the next time it won't be so bad and you'll go further...etc. Rushing can be traumatic if you're not relaxed.

[Big Mama]

I wish you the best. I didn't know untill reading this thread this morning (been married for 18 years) that you don't have to have sex sex on your honeymoon night. I cried on our honeymoon. We did it and I was sure that was all we could resume our romantic honeymoon. My H wanted to do it again a few hours later. "WHAT" was exactly what I was thinking.

Oral is just not something I'm into. Horrible gag reflex, tiny mouth, week stomach I just have a hard time doing that. I would have been MORTIFIED if my H suggested that on our honeymoon. OMG it's bad enough to have someone down there missing around but w/ there mouth AAAHHHHH.

After a little while of patience and practice sex became normal. I had been w/ 2 people before my H and he's been w/ one. So we didn't have a wealth of experience. I wish I had a better answer for you. But this is an area where I can't be of much help. I can only relate. For me just having someone who can relate means alot.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Big mama: exactly. That's sort of why I started this thread. Simply knowing that someone else felt the same way and survived is tremendously comforting. Especially since this isn't something there are a lot if resources on. I hope this thread can also prove helpful for people who deal with a similar fear.

[Jan1212]

Actually it is a very common thing, a lot of people are afraid of sex for the first time, you're definitely not alone!

My advice is don't rush, don't rush sex, don't rush marraige, don't rush life, wait until you're settled, wait til you're comfortable with your own life. Unless you guys really believe in doing so, then.. that's how it's going to be which is not a problem :P I know it's your religion/faith, but who are you really doing this for? You said you wanted to get married so soon before you get a carreer beofre you get a house, that you'd rather be poor, are you doing this for your parents? Worried about 'the accusation' / what other people think? Because I have the same issue, I wanted the status of "Married" so quick, but so little is changed, we're still together, we're still faithful, but that's just me. But I had the same fear, because my ex wanted it; we rarely got to see each other, it felt rushed.

http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex

Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf

I KNOW! I feel like the only person on the planet who deals with this. I think it may be because us virgins are a dwindling group. :\

Exactly! Nobody seems to understand our fear of sex. What virgins there are seem to want to have it, not fear it like we do, and I know that if the time ever comes for me, I will be hysterical. I am nauseous even thinking about it. It’s not a ‘it’s new and unknown’ fear for me, as I think it far exceeds that, it most likely has to do with having a history of sexual abuse and a (what I am told to be) distorted view of relationships and sex. I’ll cry if I talk about sexual subjects too much. I won’t watch movies with sex in them or graphic images. Just watch me totally freeze up and have a panic attack.

Oral sex for me would also be problematic because I fear contamination and germs, or it can cause me a significant amount of anxiety. I don’t like kisses let alone oral sex. Nobody's mouth will ever come near me.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

Actually it is a very common thing, a lot of people are afraid of sex for the first time, you're definitely not alone!

My advice is don't rush, don't rush sex, don't rush marraige, don't rush life, wait until you're settled, wait til you're comfortable with your own life. Unless you guys really believe in doing so, then.. that's how it's going to be which is not a problem :P I know it's your religion/faith, but who are you really doing this for? You said you wanted to get married so soon before you get a carreer beofre you get a house, that you'd rather be poor, are you doing this for your parents? Worried about 'the accusation' / what other people think? Because I have the same issue, I wanted the status of "Married" so quick, but so little is changed, we're still together, we're still faithful, but that's just me. But I had the same fear, because my ex wanted it; we rarely got to see each other, it felt rushed.

http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex

Nobody seems to talk about it though. >_<

We're getting married because we're tired of waiting. Because of our religion we don't believe in cohabitation or sex before marriage, and we've been waiting so long that it's really beginning to suck. (and we really have a desire to just do married things as well--like cooking together, even just sleeping in the same bed without sex, for example) Also, we both want Ph. D's in our fields and if we were to wait until we had a career, that would be a LONG time away. And we've got plans that are financially stable--not terribly plush, but we'll survive and be happy enough. It's not really that we want the status of married--in fact getting married so young will likely cause a bit of an uproar from our family. And I *do* want sex. But I also don't. :P This is a terrible example, but its sort of like a Christian's dichotomous desire for the end of days to come. One wants it because they can leave this horrible place and go to live eternally in heaven, but at the same time one has a certain dread of dying and the unknowns around it. Because even though everyone can assure you that heaven will be awesome, you're comfortable here on earth and you don't want to find out what the dying part is like.