[hezaa82]

I've struggled with abandonment, self-esteem and codependency issues all my life. My issues plus the lack of education I got from my family has meant that I've always struggled with forming relationships and friendships and I'm very lonely.

This is about my coworker and friend, J. I guess I have a handful of acquaintances and people I share hobbies with, but not real close friends. Then last April I got a new coworker, a guy named J, and it kind of changed my life. He's not like anyone else I've been friends with in the past. He's very friendly and kind and concerned and for the first time in my life I actually felt listened to and understood. Of course I developed a crush on him and he returned my feelings to an extent but turned me down, mostly because of my issues I think. For a time I was constantly going to him to talk about my insecurity and loneliness, and I guess some of it was manipulative - testing him, wanting comforting, etc. It stressed him out and he forbade me from talking to him about those topics for awhile. He started dating another girl and I felt really rejected. Then they broke up in January and since then he and I have been friendly again. I've been trying not to be manipulative and avoid talking about my issues most of the time.

I'm very dependent on J's friendships. My other friendships are very superficial and those friends are not as mature as J and I don't feel like they understand me or that I get much out of talking to them. I get to see J three days a week at work which is great. I thrive on regular human contact. But the problem is.... we're getting new schedules from April which means we only have a couple weeks left of working together. I'm very anxious about being separated from him.

The truth is, I don't know what to make of our relationship. I feel very close to him and that he understands me better than anyone else in my life. But at the same time, we never see each other outside of work. He never wants to socialize with me outside of work. I guess you could rationalize it that he sees me so much during the week anyway, and that he wants to spend his weekends with other people he can't see as often as me. He's someone who is very important to me and I thought I was someone important to him based on how much we talk at work and how much he texts me.... but I'm starting to have doubts. I know he is a little scared of me because he knows I have feelings for him and doesn't want to lead me on, and also doesn't want to get caught up in listening to my issues. I just know that I'm going to get super insecure after April because he won't spend as much time with me as I want him to, and I'll feel we're growing apart... He says most of his friends he only sees once every few weeks.

Then today there was an incident that upset me. I was feeling depressed from the weekend when I saw a girl I know, a girl that I had wanted to me friends with but it never really worked out (probably because of my abandonment issues). I wanted to tell him about how that encounter made me feel bad, but he responded very defensively and was obviously uncomfortable. His attitude made me feel like it wasn't ok for me to have these hurt feelings. I was just looking for a little empathy and reassurance from from him who I consider a trusted friend. He apologized later for being harsh and said he didn't want to get caught up in being stressed out about my issues. I don't think it's fair because I've been being really good and hardly ever talking about my issues. I have a strong urge to email him and tell him that his response hurt me, but my gut and past experience tell me I shouldn't. Maybe feeling a little jaded towards him will help...less expectations means less disappointment.... I really wanted to believe someone was there for me though...

[Leed]

I don't think I'd e-mail him because he DID apologize for being so harsh with you. Perhaps he was just having a bad day himself. There could be times when HE isn't feeling so hot either. He may have some issues that HE hasn't told you about too, ya know. LOL

I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out, but it's obvious from his actions and words that he's not "the one." He hasn't really shown himself to be much of a great friend for that matter. He's not always there for you, and doesn't always listen to you either. So it's good that your sshedules are being changed so that this crush of yours will have time to die out, and you can heal.

I hope you can find more friends -- real friends who will listen and be there for you. But be careful EARLY in a friendship, not to dump all your issues all at once. That can scare people away. Wait until you know each other well, and can trust each other completely before you mention any mental issues. Then, hopefully the friend(s) will stick around instead of fleeing in fear. LOL

God bless and best of luck. And please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

What's with these boys named J? Been dealing with one myself...sorry to hear about the troubles you're trying to sort through. *hugs*

[thunderbear]

Yeah Ive been dealing with a "J' also.......
But I agree with Leed. J could be going thru his own stuff. You never know. Why dont you ask him? I had a friend that I used to talk about my issues with but she quit talking to me because she said she felt like the only time I ever called or texted was when I was having problems in my life. She said she felt like it was a one way friendship. Mabye if you give J a shoulder to lean on, he'll see the value of your friendship. I hope you find answers soon hugs

[hezaa82]

Thanks for the support everyone

Well I discussed the situation with my therapist last night, and he said that J was acting mature and that I was in the wrong He said that I rely on other people too much to make me feel better when something makes me feel bad (ie the meeting with the girl I used to be friends with). He said that J was doing a good job of exercising healthy boundaries with me and that he was being a good friend to me by not letting me get away with manipulative behavior. I'm not totally convinced though. I know J does have his own issues to some extent - he's naturally a caretaker so is scared of getting sucked into caretaking again. He doesn't like to talk about himself much, not just to me but to anyone. My natural instinct still is to talk to him about how I felt about that day, but my therapist told me not to. He said I should just tell J how much I appreciate his friendship. It's gonna be hard not to talk about it...I really like talking to people when I feel I've been hurt.

Also since I have abandonment issues, I'm always looking for signs of rejections and looking for reasons to reject people before they can reject me. My therapist says that's what I'm doing now. I know that J and I won't be seeing eachother as much after graduation so I'm looking for a way to reject him so I won't feel his rejection as much.

It's really hard getting tough love from both J and my therapist in one day ;_;