I need advice

Darwin the Fish · Mar 01, 2013, 11:44 PM

One of my friends are cheating on his girlfriend and I am the only one how knows, should I tell his girlfriend or just keep it to myself?? I really don't know what to do, i am so confused

hamster-bamster · Mar 02, 2013, 02:44 AM

Stay out of it, because otherwise you might eventually lose both of them as friends.

In general, unless you have a reporting obligation mandated by the government (say, you are a doctor and in the course of your practice you find out about a terrorist threat), stay out of it. Well, for terrorist threats and child abuse, no, do report even if not obligated, but for something like this, no.

Leed · Mar 02, 2013, 08:16 AM

I have to agree. You'd probably lose your friend in the process, as well as the girlfriend. It's best to stay out of stuff like this. She'll find out soon enough. Just play ignorant if she comes to you, asking why you didn't tell her.

Best of luck & take care. Hugs, Lee

maggy.ng · Mar 02, 2013, 10:51 AM

no, dont tell her. She is sensitive to realize what's going on

Mar 02, 2013, 11:02 AM

She will sense what's going on. It is usually apparent when one person that you are close to is deceitful. I figured it out. From experience, It feels pretty devastating. She will need to be able to confide in you about it and you can be there for her. It's a disturbing place to be in when you know about something like this. Hearts are broken and the person who is breaking that heart doesn't really care. They are selfcentered to do this in the first place. warm thoughts.

LovelaceF · Mar 02, 2013, 12:37 PM

No, you shouldn't tell your friend's girlfriend, but you should encourage your friend to fess up!

Mar 02, 2013, 03:15 PM

Sure, you're probably going to lose your friend.

But has anyone considered the possibility that this bloke might give his girlfriend an STD (or a baby) before she realizes his shortcomings as a loyal romantic partner?

hamster-bamster · Mar 02, 2013, 03:20 PM

Until proven otherwise, you can assume that your friends are reasonable people, ie they do not drink and drive, they use condoms, and take other necessary precautions.

Mar 02, 2013, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Until proven otherwise, you can assume that your friends are reasonable people, ie they do not drink and drive, they use condoms, and take other necessary precautions.

"Reason" is a thing of the past...

hamster-bamster · Mar 02, 2013, 03:35 PM

In terms of condom use and availability and electronic testing of individual condoms, there has probably been an improvement over the situation in past decades. At least one hopes so.

Mar 02, 2013, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

In terms of condom use and availability and electronic testing of individual condoms, there has probably been an improvement over the situation in past decades. At least one hopes so.

I was referring to people being reasonable, but no matter...

Additionally, condoms break... Learned that one the hard way...

avlady · Mar 02, 2013, 04:51 PM

Don't say anything-they will deal with it themselves-the truth wins

Sojourn · Mar 02, 2013, 05:32 PM

I think you have to decide what friendship means to you. Your friend is engaging in a hurtful, self-destructive lifestyle. That’s not good for him or anyone around him. Is this the kind of person you want for a friend – someone who is deceptive and hurtful? Imagine if you were the one that was being cheated on – would you prefer that someone let you know about it? Or would you rather everyone keep quiet about it until you wasted more of your life being involved with someone who doesn’t really care about you after all?

Cheating is painful. It can and has ruined lives. Personally, I wouldn’t consider someone who is cheating to be a real friend. It says a lot about them especially if they expect you to carry that burden with them by remaining quiet.

If it were me, I would strongly encourage my friend to fess up and resolve the situation one way or another. I would give him some time to do it for himself. If he refused then I would have no choice but to disclose the information myself. Does it take courage to do that? Yes, very much so. Will there be a lot of unpleasant consequences? It’s quite probable. But your friend needs to wake up and learn how to treat people right, especially the people that love him. If he gets away with it this time, then he will simply be more emboldened to repeat this kind of behavior. And this kind of behavior is NOT good for him. Over time it will compound and all of it will catch up with him eventually. As a friend, look out for him even when he refuses to look out for himself.

Will you most likely lose a friend by intervening? Yeah, you probably will. But what kind of friend are you really losing? And there is also the possibility that his girlfriend could become a friend that you gain.

hamster-bamster · Mar 02, 2013, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michael D.

Additionally, condoms break... Learned that one the hard way...

I have heard of that. Never happened to me but yes I have heard of it.

Let us hope the girl in question is reasonable enough to also be on the Pill. Most girls are.

Darwin the Fish · Mar 04, 2013, 06:06 AM

They broke up but know the ex-girlfriend is angry at me for not telling her, What should my next move be

AzureRain · Mar 04, 2013, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darwin the Fish

One of my friends are cheating on his girlfriend and I am the only one how knows, should I tell his girlfriend or just keep it to myself?? I really don't know what to do, i am so confused

She won't believe you and if she does, in confronting him, he'll just say you're saying it because you like her. Try asking her questions first, to see if she suspects anything. Woman have a sense about these things but we tend to also believe what our romantic partners tell us. If she suspects and thinks you might know something, she'll ask you directly. That's when you tell her.

AzureRain · Mar 04, 2013, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darwin the Fish

They broke up but know the ex-girlfriend is angry at me for not telling her, What should my next move be

Oops, I hadn't read all the way through. Just be honest that you were trying to figure out if you should tell her. You can only do what you can do.

brokenandalone1234 · Mar 04, 2013, 03:19 PM

I say tell her. If one of my boyfriend's friends knew he was cheating on me I would want them to tell me. I would not give up that person as a friend I would ditch my boyfriend. I say if your friend with his girlfriend then you are a horrible friend if you don't tell her. He could give her an STD you have a moral obligation to tell her. If you have a heart tell her. She will be better off if you do. If you lose your friend over it then he is not a true friend. If he is cheating on her its clear he is not happy. You are doing both of them a favor.

Confusedinomicon · Mar 04, 2013, 04:03 PM

Im kind of surprised so many wouldn't disclose the cheating if they knew.

Rather find out sooner then later.

LovelaceF · Mar 04, 2013, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Im kind of surprised so many wouldn't disclose the cheating if they knew.

Rather find out sooner then later.

It depends upon where one's loyalty lies.

If you are loyal to the cheater, then I think it's best not to disclose the cheating because that is a betrayal of your friend. On the other hand, if you are loyal to the cheatee, then obviously you would tell them right away if there were cheating going on, or if you even suspected it.

If one is friends with both the cheater and the cheatee, that provides a difficult situation in which one would need to decide how to delicately handle the situation - perhaps by encouraging the cheater to confess and encouraging the cheatee to doubt, or perhaps chosing one person over the other.

Confusedinomicon · Mar 04, 2013, 09:17 PM

To be honest, if they are cheating then how good of a friend are they?

If they are miserable and in a relationship, I would encourage the friend to leave before they had the opportunity to cheat. If they want to use cheating as a catalyst to end the relationship, then I'd encourage them to tell the other, or tell the other person myself.

I don't understand why you'd want to prolong a broken relationship between two people.

Kate1955 · Mar 04, 2013, 09:21 PM

I would talk to your friend about what he is doing. And refuse to be used to cover anything up. As the recent victim of my husband of twenty nine years emotional affair I really wish his workmates had said something to one of us...instead his manager encouraged it

hamster-bamster · Mar 05, 2013, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darwin the Fish

They broke up but know the ex-girlfriend is angry at me for not telling her, What should my next move be

Tell her that you were conflicted, did not want to meddle in her private affairs, regarded the issue as a delicate and touchy one, did not want to be the bearer of bad news - something along these lines.

Wikipedia: ""Shooting the messenger" is a metaphoric phrase used to describe the act of lashing out at the (blameless) bearer of bad news.
In earlier times, messages were usually delivered in person by a human envoy. Sometimes, as in war, for example, the messenger was sent from the enemy camp. An easily provoked combatant receiving such an overture could more easily vent anger (or otherwise retaliate) on the deliverer of the unpopular message than on its author."

The bold part is about a messenger who was actually sent by the author. In your case, nobody has sent you. So, your case is even stronger.