[countrymouse]

I feel like my gf and I are slowly drifting apart. There's not nearly as much passion and romance as there used to be. We've been dating for a year and a half and have moved in together. We both love each other but there seems to be more arguments then there used to be. I also catch myself being distracted by the internet and movies instead of spending time with her, and she gets irritated with it. Another problem is that I ask for sex more than she wants and she mostly replies "can't we just cuddle." I usually get very sad about my selfishness and it generally ruins the rest of the next few days. How do I restore romance and closeness in our relationship without being sexual? Any suggestions?

[Travelinglady]

You are beginning to sound like an old married couple. I'm not trying to be funny. That's just my first reaction.

As I have been told, all couples need to always keep "dating" each other and not take each other for granted. Do things like go out for dinner and a movie, for a walk together, to play putt-putt golf, and other kinds of things that would be like a date. Adjust according to your budget. Maybe the "dinner and a movie" could be a fast-food snack and a rented movie, for example. Even plan to watch a TV show together, if you find something you both like. Make time for each other

Perhaps even plan for sex sometimes. I know that sounds silly, but dating folks often end up back in the bed together after their date, don't they?

As far as cuddling, I know many women say they often do like that better than the act itself. Nothing against sex, but cuddling just makes a woman feel loved and safe and valued.

Bring home little gifts, if she likes that kind of thing.

I think you get the general idea. And make sure to keep the lines of communication open. It would be good for you to bring up this issue with her and see if she likes the dating idea, for instance. You miss the closeness you once had together, etc. And then make some plans!

[adam_k]

My advice is to try to make her feel appreciated and loved. Maybe that can be down with cuddling or small gifts. From what you described it sounds like she is feeling like she is being ignored. I added a lot of stress into my relationship by focusing on school and work and not on my wife. Try to keep things exciting and alive. Bring her flowers. Go out on dates and places she likes. Sometimes by touching my wife I can excite her. I don't mean grabbing her vagina. I stand behind my wife and start kissing her should moving up to her neck, then I whisper into her ear. She enjoys that. She doesn't like when I say lets go have sex. It makes her feel used. That is my take on it. You know her better than anyone. It sounds like she just wants you to pay more attention to her.

[Sojourn]

Talk.

Don’t try to change things alone. Do it as a couple. Tell her how you feel. Be honest but not combative. Ask her how she feels about your relationship. Then let her know how you feel. Explore options together to help improve your relationship. Learn to communicate and listen carefully to each other’s needs. Communicate even about little things as they come up. Avoid assuming you know what the other is thinking or feeling. And avoid taking things personally. You need to allow each other to be honest with each other without things blowing up into an argument. After all, we all have things we need to work on so try to view it as looking out for each other. People, especially those we love, can see things about us that we fail to see about ourselves, both good and bad.

Adam brought up a good suggestion in bringing home little surprises now and again to keep things impulsive and fun. And Payne is right that sometimes women just like to be held and know they’re loved. It's a form of reassurance. Heck, we can all use that from time to time.

The key is to invest in your relationship. Dive in. Make it the best it can be. If you learn to communicate effectively as a couple now, when your relationship is still relatively new, then it will make things much easier as you go along.

Good luck to you! (Great avatar by the way)

[heartexplodes]

I feel like I am in this exact situation with my boyfriend. At the moment, everything feels stale. We never do anything together and it almost feels like we've lost interest.

I spoke to my therapist about it and the best advice she gave me was talk about it. No matter how uncomfortable or how awkward it may seem, it's worth it. The way my therapist explained to me was - you can't fight alone for a relationship with another person. You'll end up exhausted and give up because you have no help and it's impossible to take on all that responsibility for another person.

Whichever way your talk goes with her, you'll have some idea of where the other person is at and what can be done from there.
Good luck

[countrymouse]

These are all great suggestions to get me going in the right direction. Thank you everyone.

[Confusedinomicon]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years and we act like a happily newlywed couple. (I only say this because everyone assumes we're married!)

We keep our relationship alive by sharing hobbies and going on walks to department stores together! We also plan dinner dates. It also helps that we are both working now and don't see one another all the time. We don't do everything together, either. There are things he will do that I have no interest in doing. We have our best and supportive talks when we go walking. There must be something you can do with your girlfriend where conversations can come easy.

If you have to, you can talk to her about masturbating and see if she's okay with you doing so. Sometimes libidos don't match and you have to figure out ways around it.

Good luck!

[vickieh69]

I have been feeling emotionally disconnected and uncared from my spouse for sometime now. I finally sought out counseling through my EAP. She recommended that we both take The 5 Love Language assessment to help figure out what exactly we need from each other. You will have to do a search for the web address as I cannot submit a link until I have 10 posts .

Seemed accurate in its assessment of myself. I did purchase the book as well and a lot of the theory behind the assessment was dead on for me in regards to my first marriage and where we went wrong.

[adam_k]

There are other factors than can reduce her sex drive. Hormones being out of balance. I think low estrogen, depression, quality of food (i.e. low nutrition). Drugs and alcohol may also reduce sex drive. If you can rule out the physical then it is just emotions.

Spending more time with her may help that. Or doing more intimate things beside sex. A sensual massage is very intimate. Cuddling or talking may also be an option. Chances are if she feels like she is being ignored, then sex probably is on her priority list. Nothing turn my wife off more than me not making any time for her, and then wanting sex. I say you should talk to her and work on getting more connected.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by countrymouse

I usually get very sad about my selfishness and it generally ruins the rest of the next few days.

That is a problem that is easy to solve, because it is self-contained and involves only you and not her.

You are not selfish and you do not need to feel sad, and therefore, the next few days need not be ruined.

My understanding has always been that people who are solely concerned with their own pleasure (at the moment), masturbate. People who also want to see their partner happy initiate partner sex. What is selfish about it???

[Leed]

Why not ask her for a "date?" Sound strange? It's not. If you can afford it, take her out for the evening. Go out to dinner, and maybe a really good movie. Then if you can, maybe go dancing somewhere. Women love to go dancing -- most of them anyway. And before going out, maybe you could buy her a corsage, huh? Maybe one to wear on her wrist or something.

Women like to be courted, and made to feel "special." If you make her feel that she's WORTH an evening out, that's going to put some romance in her. And I'm not saying you have to keep doing this either, but special things occasionally.

Maybe bring her little gifts - perfume, a little teddy bear, candy, just little things, to let her know you're thinking about her and you love her. These are really special to women. They feel cared for and cared ABOUT. It gives them a sense of security. You won't regret it, believe me.

Just a few pointers from a VERY OLD lady! LOL Hugs, Lee