Why ask if he doesn't care what I say?????

In the greater scheme of things this is a small thing and I know that but.....

Just got off the phone with hubby. He asks where do I want to go for our anniversary. EVERYTHING I SAY HE NIXES. SO WHY DID HE ASK?!? I say let's have a drink at Dear John's or Post Road Pub. Then we could play some darts or pool and relax. OHH or we could go bowling. Bowling is boring and he was thinking somewhere in Broad Ripple for a bar

I say let's go to Edward's for dinner because it's been forever. He says are you sure it's even still open? Well I was hoping you'd want to do something special like St. Elmo's. So after asking what I want we are doing everything I hate. Ok I don't hate St. Elmo's but it's more than I think we should spend right now. I LOATHE the bars in Broad Ripple that he likes. They are too crowded and attract too many kids. Give me a nice quiet neighborhood bar.

So do I put my foot down and say this is both our anniversary let's find something we can agree on or do I just say screw it and do what he wants no matter how much I don't want to? Opinions please. And why DID he ask just to poopoo everything I said? What was the point?

I'm no expert but i'd say put your foot down. A marriage is a partnership and it involves compromise. If you keep giving and not receiving you will become unhappy and feel unvalued.

Hope that helps

I'd say just what YOU did -- "Why did you ask me in the first place, if you keep shooting down what I want to do?" This is MY anniversary too!!" You might tell him it's more YOUR anniversary than his because you have to put up with HIM!! lol

I think I'd just scrap the whole thing and stay home and pout. That would REALLY screw up his WHOLE evening. LOL of course I'd make sure HE stayed home too, and WATCHED me pout. LOL (I'm a stinker, aren't I?)

Whatever you come up with, I hope HE gives in. Hugs, Lee

I'm getting to where I hate special events. Never really cared about them in the past but now I hate them. I am really beginning to resent being asked what I think just to have everything shot down. It's like he asks hoping I'll get the answer right but I just always disappoint.

Leed he can out pout me any day not to mention the hissy fits he can throw. I might just tell him you do what you want and I'll do what I want and if we meet up at the same place we'll share a kiss.

Ugh, my husband does the exact same thing!

Next time, just say "Oh, I don't know honey, you decide." Then you can negotiate for what you want without getting your feelings hurt.

Good heavens, he can OUT pout you??? I'm not sure I could stay with a guy like that.

Do you two have anything in common? Do you two ever TALK? What kind of a marriage do you have? Is it give and take - or just take, take take - with you doing all the giving?

You might want to re-assess what's going on here. ARe you a floor mat? Do you give in to keep the peace? Think about things. Don't LET him out pout you. Tell him to man up or else! Hugs, Lee

That's probably a lot of the problem is I have been a doormat. I grew up being told nothing I wanted or had to say hell ANYTHING that had anything to do with me was not important. So when that is all you've ever known you take it into a relationship with you.

Therapy has taught me to stand up for myself more. That it is ok for me to have things, wants and needs. So in a way I guess it isn't fair that after 5 years together I say year 6 is gonna be different. I started putting my foot down on things and not just giving in. He has had some world class meltdowns over not always getting his way.

We've tried marriage counseling and I can get him to go for awhile but as soon as we hit a smooth patch then he thinks we don't need it anymore.

This morning I went home and told him you can pick where we eat or you can pick our activity. Then I will pick the other and that is the best compromise I can come up with. Surprisingly he said that was a good idea and he wanted to pick the activity. I was all geared up for a fight and had hackles raised and then he goes and is reasonable. I will never understand that man.

I think you should getting into this discussion after you have done something for him that he wants, like maybe cooking him a steak, or agreeing to drive him somewhere, etc. This gives you the moral upper hand and he will feel obligated to consider or accept your suggestions.

IT, he's definitely a taker and doesn't always think about reciprocation. He has been getting better. It's just so frustrating sometimes. He's not working right now so he wrote me a poem and a 4 page letter about what I and our relationship mean to him. When I read what he writes I just melt. He's so sweet and it's everything I want and need to hear. After writing me something he will be so amiable for a bit. Then he goes back to his old ways but then he'll do something really great and I get pulled back in.

Thank you for what you suggested though.

That's very interesting. How old are you two and what does he do and what do you do?

I'm 36 and I'm a 3rd shift manager at a gas station. He's 41 and has an pending disability case because of his MI and he has degenerative disc disease.

If he's a taker then you can stop him taking by denying him things, like the aforementioned steak, etc.

I have started taking a little myself. Like I said I feel a little bad that 6 years into the relationship I change the rules but I'm not happy. Therapy has let me see that I deserve to be happy and it's not just what everyone else wants. I think in his own way he's really trying to adjust. We just have setbacks that we have to work through. At least with me standing up for myself and not just letting him take I'm not resenting him like I was. So that is one good thing.

No offense intended to men, but I think its a man thing. My husband does not understand how extremely frustrating and annoying this is. He does literally make me not want to go. For years I thought it was some form of passive aggressive, or controlling behavior.

Just this second he's done another one of those things that drives me up the wall!!!! He woke up to go to the bathroom. He's looking for the remote to change the channel. 1) Now I've got to stop what I'm doing to find it for him. 2) HE'S GOING TO FALL BACK ASLEEP IN FIVE SECONDS, WHAT DOES HE CARE WHAT I'M WATCHING.

Well now that that's out of my system I can get back to the topic at hand. This situation creates all sorts of friction that does not need to happen. Think about it, is it the place you're going to that you find irritating or is it the process you have to go through to get there?

What I would suggest is when things like this come up, both of you write down five things you'd like to do/go. See if you have matching ideas. Go from there. What has worked for me is that I understand that this is his way of communicating. It doesn't make it less frustrating.