[Kate1955]

Hi everyone. Three weeks after my husband's attempted suicide due to depression and ocd overload ...today when I went to the local shops i started crying. I had to come home..could not even go to a coffee shop. Thing is he has had lots of attention from being in hospital to people phoning everyday. He has several shrinks who will talk to him at the drop of a hat. I feel like my adult son and I are the victims here.

When we waited seven hours in emergency for him to be seen after the attempt all this bizarre stuff came out. He had no filter. Told us how he had an emotional affair with a 27 year old girl at work. Declared his feelings and asked if it was reciprocated. Well this is the shyest man on earth and this is how he declared his feelings to me. Thirty years ago. But he said he had never felt like this in his life before and did not know what he would do if the feelings for her did not go away.

Over the past week my son started seeing a therapist and it's the same one who treated my husband for his breakdown four years ago. He told me that my husband has AvPD and very severely at that and he is concerned for myself and our son. He told my son that he was speaking to the therapist in the third person...he and she rather than our names or titles and he said he is deeply scarred by lack of ability to love him by his father. Not to mention emotional abuse due to the AvPD.

This explains so much. It really hurts though as our son is in constant pain...has been since he was a baby and he does not need this as well. I too am in dreadful pain from a spinal injury..recently had a colostomy due to the damage to my bowel that has made me incontinent for twenty years. I have just got my life back...able to go out without pooing myself and he does this?

He told me in front of strangers ..while he was in the hospital that he is not in love with me anymore and wondered why I cried for thirty minutes ...and not one mental health professional in the room came to comfort me. The shrink just kept telling me everything that my confused mentally ill husband had said and so he took everything as a marriage issue. Including the suicide attempt when I told him I would get a divorce if he did not get mental health help.

I feel so isolated and betrayed. Yesterday and today my husband seemed a bit happier, started cracking jokes ... First in months but it's made me sadder. He has password protected his phone since he got back and Facebook and his email account. I saw the girl and him had connected again on Facebook yesterday and think that is why he is happy again.

He feels guilt as a born again Christian and shame but he has no concept of the agony my son and I are in. My son wants me to tell him to leave but his family is in uk we are in Australia. Apart from us he has no friends. I have no support from my parents as dad has had two strokes in eight months and mum has dementia. I am trying to juggle care of them with my son and now my husband. My husband now wants me to be with him every minute...only time I have a breather is when he goes on his two or three hourly walks ...he does that once to twice a day as he is not well enough to go back to work yet as he was humiliated and bullied there. With his AvPD that is extremely painful to him. I nursed him back to health four years ago and I cannot do it again. I am too sad and betrayed and humiliated.

He agreed no talking or contact with the girl when he left the hospital but he cannot seem to stop himself. She told him he is a father figure but she still had the hide to come to our home on Christmas eve and then take him back to her place until early hours Xmas morning. The psychologist said to us both it was inappropriate of her ..not to mention him to inflict her on us then and she knew what she was doing. Husband still said it was innocent but I cried all Xmas day and he still thinks I am wrong...that I am as he said " taking away his happiness"

Thanks for reading...this past three weeks has been hell on earth.

[Leed]

He's had time to get over his suicide attempt, hasn't he? Well, why can't this "other" woman take care of him? Since she seems to enjoy his company so much, let HER have him. Kick his fanny out! You don't need this kind of abuse, and he seems so much happier in HER company so send him to her.

You poor thing. You've suffered so much for so long, you don't need this any longer. Why should YOU have to nurse him any longer? All he's doing is continuing to abuse you and break your heart. I know you feel you should keep nursing him, but he must be pretty much back to normal by now -- at least physically. If he needs more psychological help, SHE can take him or he can ride the bus or whatever transportation that is available.

I just can't see you having to put up with this any longer. You've suffered plenty already. Maybe I'm being too hard-hearted, but so many women continue to suffer for months, years because of guilt -- because they feel they HAVE to. Well, I say they don't HAVE to -- it's time to dump the guilt and have a life of your own. You didn't CAUSE him to try suicide. It wasn't YOUR fault. That was HIS decision, and ONLY his.

So tell him to go live with her. If he won't leave, then why don't YOU? You don't have to stay with him. You can leave any time you want. Start a new life! It might be tough, but you can do it. It's better than the one you're living. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[adam_k]

I have attempted to take my own life before and he is not stable or sane were he is at. These may be his true feelings or maybe he is trying to push you away out of his own guilt for his actions. I agree he is not the only victim in this. What he did must have hurt you and your son very deeply and you need therapy and attention just as much as him. My only thought is his decision was his and don't blame yourself for his actions. He is the one who tried to take his own life. You can be there for him or leave him but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your son. Take care of yourself and don't forget your pain in all of this. Your pain is just as real as his. I hope you find a way to heal from this and remember his decision is not your fault. It was his bad decision making that lead you to this grief.

[avlady]

I agree with adam and Leed, get on with your life without him. Life is short and it seems to me it's a waste of your time to help someone who is taking advantage of the situation. He is the one who has to be responsible for his actions and is bringing you and your son down with him.

[winter4me]

If you do what is Really best for your son, and yourself (only you know what that is, and it could be scary) you won't regret it.

[brokenandalone1234]

You should not have to go through this. I understand your husband is depressed but still it is no excuse for act this way. When I am depressed I turn to my boyfriend for help I don't turn to another man. I may also turn to my family for help but never another man. I say let the other woman take care of him. You and your son don't need this stress on you two. I understand you love your husband but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough. If you keep letting him have this emotional affair with this woman and don't put your foot down and say it me or her you will never feel better. If he said he doesn't love you anymore than it is time to let go. I am sorry if none of this is what you wanted to hear I am trying to help.

[Kate1955]

Hi everyone. Had a huge row last night because the ACT on call psychologist, during my husbands first session, told him to separate from us!! He even told him how to do it! *Now my own psychologist is a lady and have seen her three times and she has never said that even though we are victims in this situation due to the suicide attempt and consequent finding out of bizarre happenings of previous months by hubby. *

What galls me is he accepts as gospel what a new person says over the GP who has known him for fifteen years, the psychologist at the hospital he has seen on many occasions, our vicar, his few male friends, his many older female friends. Not to mention myself, our son and close family friends. He apparently said to him if he moved to central coast with us in a few months as planned, that he would be unhappy there because he is unhappy here. What this would mean would him being alone in a bedsit in Sydney while my son and I go north to central coast to a house.

He cannot cook he cannot be responsible with his diabetes and epilepsy and he would have no support and nobody to intervene if he goes off the deep end again. I know that I feel betrayed and sad...no longer angry about what happened but I cannot believe the psychologist said this. The last time anyone said anything like this he tried to jump off the gap! So the psychologist also said if he had not fallen for this young lady it would be another as his self esteem had suffered due to the demotion at work after his nervous breakdown due to workplace bullying. This is ******** as he had the breakdown four years ago and he has only acted out of character and beyond bizarrely since September last year when he met this girl.

Even the GP calls her his obsession and he told him in no uncertain terms to deal with it as he would need his family in the future. Even with that though he refused to stop being her special friend. And yes the psychologist explained to him that emotional affairs are often the ones that cause the most damage and end up in divorce. He is deluding himself that his feelings are friendship. He has rejected our son and I because of our health issues...chronic pain etc but it means we are dependants due to being on DSP. And avoidant personality disorder folks as we now know him to be do not deal well with dependants He has chosen a girl who is a mixture of myself and our son rolled into one. Obviously she is young and healthy.

I said he could have her as his friend on Facebook but not us both. He refused to take her off so I blocked him. He is addicted to Facebook and though he has few friends he stalks my posts etc and comments on mine and my friends...so he is finding that hard. After the row...eight hours..I cannot take these circular arguments anymore...I had a migraine after and grossest of all....my colostomy is non existent as an issue most of the time but because the way he was saying I was lying about everything upset me so much the sheer physical stress of it upset my tummy and I had gushing diarhoea so bad that it burst my bag three times. That is a major traumatic event for a colostomates...one can be hospitalised as one loses so much fluid one becomes dehydrated. *

Our son returned home late at night and stayed up talking to his dad as he would not go to sleep and at 4am said he was going to go for a walk...last time he did that he went to jump off the gap. This afternoon...I could not get up due to migraine myself...hubby said to me I actually can see today how sick I was last night. The things I said and did were sick. I can see it now. But he had not slept all night and he did not see it during the eight hour episode....he was vile...accusing both my son and I of making things up.

I am just venting here but I feel it's beyond the call of my duties as a carer and beyond my son's capabilities to talk to him for eight hours and then stay up for hours to make sure he does not off himself. Does anyone know how I can tell when not to engage him in this manner? Is it as soon as he gets nasty or says I am lying? I feel like I cannot talk about anything but trivialities without a third person present. He was actually better when our son arrived....though he admitted to him that our sons psychologist is right...that he is cold and distant and had mentally tortured him in the past as a child. I was aware he was sometimes verbally cruel but thought it was just his frustration at raising a disabled child. But it is in fact a way that avoidants behave ...taking everything as a criticism....spoiling our moments of joy etc. thing is the reason I ended up being hysterical ....and throwing my fave coffe cup at him....yikes...i never do that kind of thing....was because our sons therapist said our sons psyche and brain is damaged by his fathers treatment of him over the years. Our son is in so much physical pain anyway with his migraines etc that I just cannot forgive him for that. It's inexcusable...and the psychologist treating our son diagnosed his dad four years ago with this disorder and said the suicidal ideation and depression can be treated but the mental cruelty...the coldness is not.

He said to our son that he is not able to be rehabilitated. He will never be the one we thought he was when he was at his best. We thought it was the depression but he cannot feel love as most people do..we were told this and what hurts is we believe it...and my husband agrees and was not distressed by this. He just recounted the times he could remember he had emotionally tortured our son. I am officially without words now!! Thanks for staying with this rambling posting.