[estel]

Many many years back my ex had divulged to me about her childhood sexual abuse. I am a pretty good listener and people usually tell me their secrets. And I never pass around other's secrets either.
This secret of my ex was too big, she had never mentioned it to another human being. I never thought I would either. Well, she is from a very conservative eastern culture where "honor" is more important than life (some of you might have read or heard about those stuff in the news). Her family forced her to break up with me and I was worried for her life. I divulged her secret to a couple of her female friends and 3-4 of my own friends...because I needed help to protect her in case her parents did anything to her or myself. I believed that was the only way I could get other people to help me...if needed.
Many years back she came back to me and the first thing I told her was "I am sorry but I had divulged your secrets". I don't think I did anything wrong considering the circumstances, but I still felt guilty. I mean...I was only 20 at that time and dealing with this was just too much. Still, I considered myself wrong and apologized to her.
But over the past couple of years she has broken up with me dozens of times (she has BPD)...and every time I am so depressed and talk to 1-2 people about our stuff, her stuff, my stuff. I usually do it to defend her. I never show off our relationship. But my friends know we have a physical relationship too (which is taboo in her culture).
She hates that I talk about her. I am not allowed to talk anything about her. I feel guilty...but I also feel angry that I was a part of the relationship so I am allowed to talk about it. I don't go announcing to the world what sort of a relationship we had. She always complains that people never understand her. I tell her that if you don't open up about yourself, how will anyone understand you. If I am in pain and act that I only met this girl once a blue moon for coffee or movie, my friends will wonder what is wrong with me. If I tell them how deep in love we were in our relationship, they might understand why I am in so much pain.
Just wondering what everyone else thinks about telling secrets about your partner. I never do it out of spite or anger or anything. But I still feel guilty that I did and sometimes still do.

[Leed]

I really don't think you should have talked as much as you did. If you were REALLY afraid of her safety, you should have notified the police if it was THAT dangerous.

But since her culture is such that you don't divulge anything, then you shouldn't have. She trusted you NOT to tell -- and you did. You told people that didn't need to know -- you were only concerned with YOUR feelings -- what people thought of YOU.

So I don't blame her for being upset. I would be too. I'm sorry but I'm on her side.

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[LovelaceF]

I don't have any brilliant comments for you, but wanted you to know that I read your post. I tend to keep secrets private, but your situation is understandable. My only concern is that her family could react very badly if they found out about this. I hope she's safe and I hope you're careful with this information too. Best of luck.

[estel]

Yes this will no longer affect her. I mean she has now opened up about it to her family (she didn't get much support from them with their all "honor" thinking), but there is no danger to her life or anything like that. That situation was 7 years back.
Calling the police was my last option then because knowing her society, they would rather die in abuse than have the world see their dirty laundry.

And Leed, no I wasn't concerned about my feelings. I had extremely strong fears that her father will send her back to the country where she was sexually abused for years. I choose to tell the few people that I did so they can understand her situation and hopefully help her or help me help her, if needed.
Today at nearly 28 I would have done different. Then at 20, experiencing all that, I was out of my wits. And although I know of her culture, it is not mine so all of this was as much as a shock for me too.

I do not blame her for hating me for it. She never even asked me about it. I confessed to her because the guilt was eating at me. But at that situation and that time, I would have repeated the same thing because no one else was even willing to listen to me as to why she might be in danger or why they can't send her back to her country.

As for my feelings now, yes you can say I was thinking about myself. She hates that I even mention to anyone that we were in a relationship or ever together. It is selfish of me to tell anyone that we were together. But maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship if she has to hide it...and I can't even be publicly upset why I am depressed over her treatment of me and her constant break-ups...

She is the only one I have ever divulged anything about. Maybe that is why it still eats at me. A few days back though I read an interesting quote "if the secret is so huge that you cannot handle the burden, then it is probably a heavy burden for someone else too". Her secret was killing her. So when no one cared why I would be so bothered with the forced break up or if she is sent back, I felt I had no choice. Also, without telling her best two female friends, I wouldn't even have known what is happening with her life because they had cut her off from going out, going on the computer, or using a phone.

Thanks for the replies both of you!