Searching beyond a relationship

I do not know about "somewhere". Anything is clearly possible "somewhere".

I do not see how men would be unemotional - let us look at the Western canon, so that we can both agree, and agree without reservation, that we should look in the same place and not "somewhere".

1) "light of my life, fire of my loins" (as a mention in passing, the best erotic quote in the English language, in my subjective opinion and in my limited knowledge of the literature in this language)

2) "Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
Save that, to die, I leave my love alone."

3) "Blest be the day, and blest the month, the year,
The spring, the hour, the very moment blest,
The lovely scene, the spot, where first oppress'd
I sunk, of two bright eyes the prisoner:
And blest the first soft pang, to me most dear,
Which thrill'd my heart, when Love became its guest;
And blest the bow, the shafts which pierced my breast,
And even the wounds, which bosom'd thence I bear.
Blest too the strains which, pour'd through glade and grove,
Have made the woodlands echo with her name;
The sighs, the tears, the languishment, the love:
And blest those sonnets, sources of my fame;
And blest that thought—Oh! never to remove!
Which turns to her alone, from her alone which came."

4) And so on and so forth - as emotional as it gets.

The choice of quotations was made to include an English language quote written by a native speaker, an English language quote written by a non-native speaker, and a translation from another Western language into English.

So, definitely not representative enough, but at least giving some representation...

I have recenlt been involved in an 'emotional affair'. One that i was not owning up to and convincing myself that if there was no actual cheating (as in the physical) that i wasn't doing anything wrong. Esp because i happened to be in love with this particular person, had never gotten over them and wanted to ensure that they weren't the love of my life that i was throwing away, simply because i was otherwise engaged.
It has taken a therapist to make me realize that i was in fact cheating and honestly, i should have gone for it. Enjoyed them in every sense of the word. Oh and it would have been very much enjoyable.

however, how could i have looked at my partner, knowing that betrayal. At least, even if i am lying to myself i can still justify my behaviour. Now they are gone anyway. It finally ended. Not from my end, mind - but i think because i could not commit the way they needed me to and it was in their best interest to move on.

Still i can't help but miss them, more and more everyday. X

I do rather like going textbookie.
It is thought monogamy is biological, research finds that two hormones Vasopressin and Oxytocin are necessary for bonding to take place.
BBC Science | Human Body & Mind | Science of Love

Love is a drug. Heartbreak is so painful a withdrawal of vasopressin & oxytocin causing pain like that caused by going cold turkey from heroin.

I find it interesting that this thread reared its ugly head again (and I can say that because it's my thread).

I read through things again and a couple pages back, something reminded me of a comment I once read about monogamy, marriage and affairs. The essence of the comment was that if an individual does not believe that monogamy is something they can live within the confines of, they should negotiate this with their partner prior to getting married.

Here's the problem with that thinking: many people don't understand this about themselves until they are well into a marriage and the so-called "honeymoon" phase has ended. Not everyone who marries has experienced a long-term relationship prior to the partner they choose to marry. This might mean that they do not understand that when the magic of romantic love begins to fall by the wayside, the relationship is truly tested. Routines and comfort are settled into, and things aren't necessarily as exciting as they once were. It is then, only at this point perhaps, where they realize that they are not comfortable with the idea of monogamy.

This is especially true for individuals who marry young. I'm in my mid-thirties right now; when I look at my career, for instance, I've only just started making strides in a place where I want to be. I'd have never known back in my early twenties where I really wanted my life to head. One needs experience to understand what they really want out of life. The same logic can be applied to relationships. Without experience, how do you even understand what you want? When one falls in love, it seems like this is it. This is the be all and end all. There is noone else they'd rather be with. We all know that even if it's the truth, that doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth forever.

I suppose it's just unfair to expect people to know what exactly they want early in life. But it's also not reasonable to expect that people will not hold off on marriage until they know what they're looking for. People change. So then, the questions become "how do I get what I need/want?", "how do I express to my partner my new/changed needs/wants?", etc. If the relationship is comfortable and familiar, that means rocking the boat. And who really wants to rock the boat?

Statistically, there are more divorces among early marriages, which supports your theory that people are expected to predict the unpredictable and fail at that, if I understood you correctly.

You understood completely, h-b. And it makes complete sense to me that there are many divorces among early marriages. It also jives with the complaints I hear of the "high school sweethearts" who married young and now feel they are trapped in loveless (or at least some strange new version of love) and passionless marriages. You can't know what you want when you are twenty. And if you do, I count you as an extremely lucky individual.