[JKA9]

My wife and I have been together for two and a half years. Three months ago, she was snooping on my computer and found that I had been looking at pornography. She confronted me and I admitted my mistake, wholeheartedly apologized and promised to never do it again (which I haven't since). So she then tells me that I am a sex addict and need help. I'm not closed-minded so I did some research on the SA website and am now CERTAIN that I'm not a sex addict. I've had two sex partners my whole life; my ex-wife and my current wife. I have never cheated nor even thought about cheating. I've never paid for sex. I've never looked for sex on a dating website. Sex does not dominate my thoughts or actions. Sex with my wife once or twice a week would be more than sufficient for me. I only looked at the porn a few times a month over a few month time period.

I've tried to talk to her many times but unfortunately she will not listen to me when I tell her these things. She started going to SA meetings by herself and seeing an addiction therapist to help her cope with what she thinks is my problem. I was willing to let her sort this out for herself and eventually come to the realization that she is overreacting but that hasn't happened. Whenever I try to talk to her she tells me I'm in denial, denial, denial. Over and over. I feel like perhaps these meetings and the therapist are feeding her unfounded fear.
I don't know if it's related or not but she has depression. I know she sleeps till noon almost every day and hasn't had a job in years. She also has a problem with counting OCD that she tells me makes her crazy sometimes. She's been in and out of therapy for her depression but has never told anyone but me about her counting. I'm as supportive as I can be on these issues.
I fear that our relationship may never recover from her fear. I am considering seeing the same therapist or even going to one of the meetings to confront these people and ask if they really believe my situation justifies the accusation of sex addict.
I would really appreciate some advice on what I should do to get my wife, our sex life and some normalcy back.

[hamster-bamster]

The problem of not having haad a job in years due to depression and sleeping until noon every day is a very REAL problem. The problem that she is attributing to you is IMAGINARY. Whoever counsels her is a complete idiot and needs to be delicensed.

Hate the phone. Will be more helppful once I can write on my laptop.

You have my sympathy.

[hamster-bamster]

So your faux pas happened in the beginning of that sad story. Instead of apologizing, you needed to tell her that your privacy rights were important. In other words, no snooping.

She is free riding on you. She does not contribute to the household financially and she wastes her time seeing the addiction therapist. She should be using whatever waking hours she has in some sort of productive fashion, in order to get out of the depression and actually do something positive, be it get a job or at least stop making you miserable.

Exercise, sunlight, etc are some of the ways to treat deepression in addition to or instead of psychopharmacology.

SA meeting attendance is unlikely to treat her depression. So she is wasting her waking hours.

Sex addiction is poorly defined and the sites you visited lack scientific rigor, but since you do not meet even their definition, it is crystal clear that you would never meet any conceivable definition of sex addiction.

I do not think that arguing with her supporters would help because you are trying. To defend yourself from the position of logic and reason and they cannot care less about that position. You won't win the argument. It will be another faux pas, similar to the one you made in the very beginning.

Try to shift the focus, tell her to get a job. Be a little firm, if you can. You probably cannot... you sound very kind-hearted.

[hamster-bamster]

And, while the place of sex addiction as a formal diagnosis is not certain, the word addiction in plain English does have a dictionary definition. It is something that ruins your life.

Your life is not only not ruined, but you are able to support your wife.

[hamster-bamster]

So a few more points.

I do not know anything about counting OCD but if it makes her crazy she should it to the T she is seeing. If something makes you crazy and you seeing a T, you should seek help for that. I do understand when people do not report really weird ideas. Or, do not report suicidal ideation for fear of being confined. Or, do not report behaviors thath they consider shameful. Those are understandable reasons. Wrong, but understandable.

Counting OCD seems like a totally neutral bug in the brain. You cannot be confined for having it and there are no value judgments that our society associates with it. So, why not report it?

To me it seems that the pattern of her thoughts is a little weird if she has not told anybody about it. There is too little information, but just based on that, seems weird. If she indeed is so illogical, your attempts to get through to her using your. Arguments based on reason and stats (yes, your total partner count is probably way below average based on age and your sex frequency is probably average) may prove futile.

Typing on the phone, so excuse the typos and word omissions.

While I know nothing about the counting OCD, I know a few things about depression.

Hypersomnia is one of the symptoms of depression, although it is not necessarily present. So ok, her sleeping until noon is consistent with the depression dx.

Depression is a state of low energy and low or absent motivation. Depressed people often cannot find enough strength and persistence to take a shower.

When I try to picture the effort and resourcefulness your wife must have exhibited. When she needed to find an SA group and an addictions specialist (who pays for that person's services?) And attend regularly and attack you daily with her accusations

[hamster-bamster]

I start to doubt that she is in a low energy state. That kind of goal-oriented persistence is not consistent with depression, in my opinion.

To sum up, she should get a job and her new manager will then get to use her highlevels of energy and motivation to attain some sort of business goals.

[hamster-bamster]

On a more serious note, she will benefit from a complete neuropsychological assessment.

And the PhD doing the assessment will take her through a battery of tests and ask her direct questions so she would not need to summon courage to report the counting OCD. There will be a direct question about it.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by JKA9

I am considering seeing the same therapist or even going to one of the meetings to confront these people and ask if they really believe my situation justifies the accusation of sex addict.
I would really appreciate some advice on what I should do to get my wife, our sex life and some normalcy back.

This is tough. I think you two would definitely benefit from couple's therapy. However, going to the same therapist she's been seeing might backfire on you and your wife. Perhaps you could get her to agree to see someone who specializes in marriage counselling? That way it would be a new therapist who would be building a rapport with BOTH of you together.

I hope you can get it sorted out. Best wishes.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

This is tough. I think you two would definitely benefit from couple's therapy. However, going to the same therapist she's been seeing might backfire on you and your wife.

It will present a conflict of interest, in the first place.

[hamster-bamster]

JKA9, if you are still reading it: your type of problem, but the accuser is not SO but SO's family.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/2959998-post1.html

[shortandcute]

I hate it when people do that. I myself try to refrain from saying that about other people because I feel its not for me to decide. But unfortunatly, in a lot of 12 step programs, like SA and AA, many people are quick to judge. I met this lady once whose family insisted that she was a drug addict because she had to take some antidepressants for a while--but she was not abusing them.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

I met this lady once whose family insisted that she was a drug addict because she had to take some antidepressants for a while--but she was not abusing them.

Even if she was - they were not qualified to judge. They weren't professionals.

But it is pretty common to say that anybody who takes AD's is abusing them and when it is done within a family (my father used to say it to my late mother) it is a sad form of abuse.

And, it has a long-standing tradition which probably goes back right to the time psychiatric meds were put into wide use.

A very good analogy, shortandcute.