Relationship and Therapy Boundaries

I've been a PATIENT in therapy for more than 40+ years, seeing every TYPE of "counselor", from social workers to psychologists and mostly psychiatrists. I would say I have a fair share of experience being on that side of the couch. I also hold a degree as a D.D.S and more importantly as a C.A.S.A C worker (Certificate-Alcohol-Substance Abuse-Counseling).
Specifically, I'd appreciate hearing your views on the following issue which occurred over the past 2 days. I've been in a relationship for about 18 months. "F." is my partner. As we came to know each other, it was fairly easy for me to detect he had some issues, like most of us do. However, his were significant enough that they began to affect our relationship. He had never been in therapy and was understandably nervous to the point of refusing to go, despite ADMITING he realized "something was wrong". Thankfully as I am still in therapy myself I was able to discuss these issues with my psychologist. I was able to deal with "F" up to a point. [which for the sake of this discussion could be referred to as verbal abuse by "F"]. Apparently seeing how hurt I was, he finally said that he wanted to start therapy and asked if I could help him find someone who might be suitable. This was accomplished and "F" started seeing "Tony". I did an initial consultation with Tony over the phone briefing him on the issues as I saw them and most importantly saying this would all be new to "F". He understood. Thankfully "F" immediately felt comfortable; and they saw each other only once per month [for cost reasons] but recently twice a month. "F" would tell me a few things following a session. My only concern that the good rapport continued as did "F's" appointments. This past Monday, "F" was telling me a few details of his last session, one of which provoked some concern on my part. In essence the therapist was making a decision regarding medication which concerned me since I love "F". In addition, there has been an ongoing "problem" related to intimacy which I wasn't sure was being addressed. "F" was very vague. I didn't pursue the matter over the course of "F's" treatment.
Yesterday I sent an email to Tony saying I had a few areas of concern, and wondered if I could speak to him on the phone about them.
He graciously agreed and we set up a phone "consultation" of about 45 minutes. We discussed the medication issue and the intimacy issue. He strictly protected the rights of "F's" privacy regarding patient privacy, citing this over and over again. I know all about this already, so I wasn't expecting ANSWERS, but was merely expressing my CONCERNS. (ie hoping to make Tony aware of my feelings regarding these matters). We concluded and he thanked me for calling.
"F" came home from his appointment this evening and upon entering the house a CHILL proceeded his every step as he made his was to the bedroom and laid down. Tony STARTED the session by asking "F" how he felt about the phone call I made to him the previous day. "F" was speechless, as Tony proceeded to seemingly quote me verbatim on everything I had told him - I thought IN CONFIDENTIALITY. I felt as though the blood drained from my body as I laid there; as though going into a state of shock. "F" spoke for a long time as I quietly listened. I asked for a chance to defend the reasons for my call. In the end it seemed that I had managed to placate "F's" immediate anger with me. [he only raised his voice once which I proudly affirmed to him as a sign of growth]. Even his level-headed approach to expressing his anger was for the first time done in an adult-like fashion, again I applauded him as an encouragement to "let it out" by expressing anger at the moment we feel it rather than bottling it up.
Alice, in YOUR opinion did Tony handle the matter of my phone call in an appropriate manner? Specifically should it even have been brought up? Admittedly at no point in my phone discussion with Tony did I even think to mention that our conversation was to remain private between just the two of us. I simply took it for granted. Furthermore, I would have thought it necessary for Tony to tell me from the get-go that anything I told him would be open to free discussion with "F". Had THAT been the case, I KNOW I would have approached my concerns from a different and far less specific direction!
In my last relationship, my partner went without my knowledge to SEE my therapist on 3 separate occasions regarding issues HE was concerned about regarding OUR relationship. I did not find out about these clandestine meetings until "M" and I started couples therapy with Carol in a last-ditch attempt to salvage our relationship. It was only during those weeks that "M" told me in the presence of Carol of his visits to her. [needless to say I was both shocked and touched]. She, like Tony are both LSW's. I can recall several pervious attempted interventions on my behalf in which they contacted my then psychiatrist. HE never mentioned these calls to him, but my friends in trying to shock me, admitted they had called Dr. P. Based on these occurrences, I suppose I assumed that what I told Tony would similarly be kept "under wraps" and private as mentioned earlier.
Alice, I apologize for being long-winded. I felt it necessary to go into as much detail as possible - no doubt an automatic habit I've developed after the many years of therapy I've undergone. Therapists invariably want to hear ALL the details. LOL.
I don't intend to pursue this matter in any form with Tony. I simply promised "F" I would NEVER have/make contact again with Tony.
In the end however, what are YOUR THOUGHTS, Alice? Did I go too far? Was it inappropriate that I be concerned about medication advice, especially with my medical background and own personal psychiatric problems? [BTW, I'm a MICA or Dual Diagnosis patient].
Were "F" to see a dentist (since I no longer practice) who gave him some questionable advice, should I question that dentist's views? This could be considered when looking at a DISEASE process whether it be physical or mental health-related I should think. Would I be wrong to question "F's" Internist for not treating "F's" hypertension with medication if it was clearly indicated??? if "F" used illicit drugs, something which most MD's today really don't follow up on - look at the overuse of prescribed narcotics which are practically handed out like candy? - would it be wrong of me to inform said doctor of my concerns for "F" and if he even was AWARE of the problem??
Perhaps, if necessary, you can clarify this for me Alice. Explain the distinction. When is it appropriate (if ever) to call a therapist regarding the treatment a loved one is getting - be it parent, sibling or child?
And most importantly is it both appropriate and necessary to DISCLOSE, verbatim, a conversation held between doctor and "significant other/loved one"? [almost as a means or form of SHOCK therapy?]. I question Tony's agenda, ethics and motive for having done this and am very interested to know what your opinion is and anyone else who cares to reply.
Thanks very much for your help in this matter.
I will be eagerly awaiting your reply.
Sincerely,
"KenM"

I think he has every right to tell your partner what u talked about. If it was a thing that u wanted to be kept confidential then that would have been up to you to say that since u are not the patient and there is no confidentiality between u.

I think he could have handled it in a way that wasn't quite as blunt and upfront but there was nothing wrong with what he said in a legal standpoint

I think it was slightly unethical. But you shouldn't have gone to see him either, no matter how well intentioned. It was his therapy, not yours and he should be able to work though issues on his own. Sorry.. If it had been me in his shoes, I think I would've been very upset.

My feeling is you should have told F you were concerned about the meds and have F express any such concern to his therapist, if so desired. I know you have training. However, F is an adult. I would be mad if my husband went to my T behind my back or called my T and talked on the phone about me. My husband's T won't even allow me to come into a therapy session with my husband! (Makes me wonder what my hubby has said about me! )

I know you meant well, but I think maybe you did overstep your boundaries, assuming F is an adult who is legally able to make his own medical decisions. I think it would have been appropriate, though, for Tony to have said, "Yes, I'll talk to you, but remember I will tell F anything you say, if I think I should."

Given my thinking, I am hard-pressed to select any of the options in the poll!

I pretty much agree with what Payne1 wrote above. F is an adult and you should have expressed ALL your concerns to him. I think it was inappropriate for you to contact his therapist, and I think his therapist did the right thing. In fact, I think it would have been unethical of him to not mention that you had contacted him.