Partner abused as a child but refuses to seek help

Hi,

I feel so lost. I have been with my boyfriend for around 3 years. He has always been into porn and wanted to experiment and sleep with other girls, commitment has always been an issue for him. And we never 'make love' he is obsessed with talking about group activities and sharing, he cannot stop thinking about it.

I thought it was just a phase until he told me that he was abused as a child (around 4 years old) by his older brother (who h is no longer in contact with). He said that his mum found drawings that he drew when he was young of male genitals and it had the words ouch and stop on, he thinks that is when she became ill because she spoke to his dad about it but no one believed her and she asked him and he denied it).

His mum told me that she was abused when she was young and when she was unwell she told my boyfriend (when he was around 11 years old) because she could not keep it in anymore.

He has not told anyone and refuses to seek help. He just says not now. He's been like this for years, even with his ex girlfriend commitment and sexual fantasies have been an issue. He has had a very hard childhood, his mother has mental health issues and she was unwell from when he was young.

He has all this anger in him and gets into these moods when no one can reach him, it's like he's in a black hole and he's emotionless.

He broke up with me around 2 weeks ago. He still has feelings for a girl he was trying to get with years before (who he is not really in contact with). and because he does not want to commit as he wants to sleep with other girls. And a lot of other family issues and pressures (his dad who he hasn't seen since he was around the age of 6 came back into his life and is very ill and needs him to help him with his properties). He says things like he feels really sad and it would just be easier if he was dead because life is too hard to live (he would never do anything because his family are a very strong protective factor).

One minute he says he doesn't want kids because he thinks they are going to be messed up like him and then the next he is saying he loves me and I'm the only one he wants children with. He tells me I'm am amazing girlfriend and I do deserve better.

He has all of these unrealistic time frames in his mind like if we're still single in 2 years to have kids together and he cannot commit 'forever' (even though I never asked that of him, I know nothing lasts forever so I don't know why he is putting the added pressure of that on himself).

I love him and want to be there for him but I don't know how to help him if he does not want to help himself.

I'm left in this situation when I have to move on because it's over but I can't walk away knowing what I know and not being able to help. I feel like I've got a huge weight on my shoulders and I can't stop thinking about what he's going through. It's like he wants to punish himself.

I'm sorry this is so long to read. Thank you for taking the time out to read it.

Hi Shhh ~ I think it's admirable that you want to help him with his problems, but as you say, it's almost impossible when he doesn't want to help himself. You can't MAKE someone get help when they don't want it. It's as if he's punishing himself for things that aren't his fault.

While it's admirable you want to help, it's also a waste of your time. I don't mean that to sound cruel, but he has broken things off and you DO need to move on. You're young, from what I can gather, and this is the time to LIVE. You need to find someone who truly loves you and who can TRULY love you in return! This guy can't do that.

So move on -- spend time with friends, and find someone who is worthy of you. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I agree with Lee.