I Cheated now what

Hello,

Here for advice I must be honest I cheated on my boyfriend after being with him for 2 years, here's how it begain during the summer when he first got a job he became more distant with me we are in a long distant relationship and he was ignoreing my calls and txts and just telling me how busy he was with work that lasted a few months and i meet a friend a girl at school that i started hanging out with more and more we started going to the club every other weekend and i was drinking alot like everyday i was going threw a thing we still barley talk on the phone and he complains say i go to the club to much i say he dont answer my phone calls or txts and then he begains to ignore me even more i would maybe hear from him once a day or every other day just for him to argue with me about going out but i felt so alone it wasnt that i was trying to meet someone becuase i wasnt one day i went over my friend house she had company i wasnt dressed nice i was in scrubs dropping my child off and going to class there was male friend of hers over from next door it was 2 males one that i knew and the other that i dint know he truned out to be his cusin the male that i did know came outside as i was leaving to tell me that he was intrested in me i said no your jokeing im not cute im in scrubs lol i laffed but he was serious that was a tuseday on thrusday we all went out for drinks my friend her two male friends we didnt really talk when we had drinks after drinks we left went to the club to just hang out more we all left there really late came back to my girl friend house we chilled there and we started to talk to told him some my problems and told him how i was in school he seem so intregied by me myself listen to his story of ******** that i had herd many of times he was a nobody i was not intrested but he did have money which was my intrest at that time i needed money my car was breaking down and i had a over due light bill we talked a lil longer about nothing then he left.that saturday we all went out agin to the club and we left there and we all went home. that monday we ment up really late i invited him over my house i knew what i was doing but i was so hurt but still needed money so we drake we talked i told him how i needed my bill paid and he told me how he had me then we ended up upstairs in my bedroom i sat on the bed he truned the lights off and he came at i said no i dont think i should do this but he insited and began to pull my pants down and that was that he left me the money , i cheated i was wrong but my boy friend wasnt there when i needed him most now its 5 months later and im still with my boyfriend honeslty i dont know why but i want thing to work with him but he keeps bringing it up everyday iss he ever going to get over this what do i do to let him know it wont happen agin

need advice do i stay and let him bring it up everyday and call me all types of names and deal with it or do i go i dont know what to do

I think it's terrible he calls you 'names' -- that's unnecessary!! I know he's hurt.

Of course you know you shouldn't have done that -- plus the fact that this guy left you money after you had sex doesn't really sound good.

But you have apologized and I assume you're trying to make up for it -- and you're NOT clubbing anymore, are you? I hope not. I wouldn't go to the clubs anymore if I were you. But like I said, he shouldn't be calling you names. There's no excuse for cruelty. As long as you're trying to earn his trust back, you MIGHT make it. But right now, he's verbally abusing you, and no one has to put up with that.

If he keeps this abuse up, I'd tell him it's over and move on. Since you're trying to make up for what happened, he doesn't need to keep throwing this in your face. So I'd leave if he keeps it up. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Yes, he's understandably hurt. My question is: Why did you do it? I'm not being judgmental. I'm just wondering if you are wanting more than staying with this one guy. He's not someone who will take being cheated on again.

He's not the type to take being cheated on he says he has left girls in the past because of it. why did i do it honestly a part of me felt really alone and i wanted to leave him alone but when i cheated he showed me the attention i wanted he expressed to me feelings he had never expressed before and it took me cheating on him for him to showed me he cared and then 2 weeks went past and i admitted that i cheated and he responeded like he was very hurt and tell him everyday that im sorry but that i didnt feel like he was there when i needed him there i express to him everyday that im sorry and i asure him it wont happend agin. its just everytime hes mad about something he brings it up and i cant deal with the name calling and arguing when will it end sometimes im not sure if i should of got back with him but somethings keeping me here i love him and its the longest relationship ive every been in

It's unfortunate the two of you couldn't have talked about your feelings before you felt led to cheat. Have you asked him not to keep bringing it up--and if he will forgive and forget? (Mind you, trust is something hard to be regained.)

(((Justme))) My heart hurts for you. You're making so many self destructive, dangerous choices, your boyfriend is the least of your worries right now. But for the record, if he is calling you names walk away.

It sounds like you've got some serious self esteem issues going on here, and I'll tell you what leads me to believe that. 1) You're going to the club and drinking too much. 2)You're using that as a weapon (i.e. if you do not call I'm going out and drinking too much). That is very self destructive and the two people that are going to be hurt the most are you and your child. 3) You seem to think your appearance has an important role in whether or not you are interesting as a person. 4) You allowed your frustration in your relationship to lead you to have sex with a relative stranger, who treated you as a prostitute. 5) (maybe?) you are allowing your child to see you being treated poorly.

You are a valuable, interesting, worthwhile human being. You deserve to be with someone that will treat you well.

You're not married. He doesn't own you. If he loved you he'd marry you.

I wouldn't sweat it. I'd leave, but that's me.

Do long distance relationship's work? I think it would be difficult to be with someone who is far way. Not being able to kiss hello, or hold one another, to tell each other how much they admire , care etc. You were honest about what you did, telling him was good. Cheating is detrimental to all involved and I can understand his reason to feel betrayed.(personal experience) I don't think it is fair for him to keep bringing it up, however and being verbally abusive towards you.( I was towards my husband, until now working through it) To work through it would be a step both of you could take if you feel it is worth saving. If you feel a need to have sometime to think about your situation, maybe he will understand that you need some space.
warm thoughts

Long-distance relationships do work, but it's a one-in-many chance and there have to be real perspectives of moving closer to each other at some point.

Cheating, on the other hand... that's hard to recover from. Trust is like a piece of paper: once it's crumpled up, it can never be perfectly smooth again.

I think leaving him would be fair to both of you right now. It's obvious he's been neglecting you even before you cheated, and the verbal abuse and constantly throwing it in your face shows that he's not ready / not willing to get over it, either. As for your share of the blame, I do sympathize with your circumstances, but cheating is still wrong in my book.

Your so right the trust is really hard to gain back but neither one of us want to let things go we do love each other and cheating wasnt the answer but i guess i didnt think wisley or listen to him i should have stopped going to the club and stayed at home then maybe he would have help me financially but i'm very stuborn sometimes and i have to pay for it in the end thank you much for your comment

long distance relationships are very hard becuase all those things like kissing and holding and having someone there it feels like you have to give up and its like when we meet up agin after a few months or maybe a month we have to recindle things its like were unsure of each other and trust for both of us has been messed up secen shortly after we started dateing i found out he was still taking to his ex that lives a few states away but seem to me they still had some feelings left over cuase he was still talking to her but he tells me i dont see her so it dont matter even tho i told him that hurts me he continued to talk to her on the low and another girl too i guess he has a girl friend that he been talking to and could potentialy having something going on but he says no to that to but he hides her name under neith a mans name in his phone and its just spose to be okay cuase they havnt done anything that he says and on top of that finding pics of naked girls in his phone that he say are off the internet lmao and all thats okay for him to do even tho it hurts me i have to suck it up ........

First and formost my child is one of the happiest kids you will ever meet dispite me being unhappy at times i didnt use drinking as a weapon but i used it to heal my hurt from being ignored by someone i truley loved i was losing and it hurt and i did infact make things wrose by going out but i didnt meet the dude i had sex with at the club so the club wasnt the problem cuase i wasnt trying to meet someone and definitely didnt want to meet someone at a club but besides that im not self distructive at all i make bad decisions sometimes like everyone does

Your so right like its been 3 years dam near and if he was going to marry me i think he would have i hate that all this time could be wasted and do i stay another year to see if he steps up i dont know this i just try to block out becuase its so real that he wont marry me and that if your going to marry someone you know with in a year of being with them if they want to marry you or not and this has never came up ..... I dont know
thanks for your comment tho

I would chalk it up to a life lesson and stop being so hard on yourself. What's done is done. If you find that you are in a cycle of self destructive behaviors perhaps you are not getting what you need out of this relationship. You might try couples therapy.
There is no reason to tolerate abuse from your boyfriend. I have been the victim of infidelity and it is no fun being on the receiving end. If I hadn't been in a fifteen year marriage I must tell you we would have been done. Perhaps you need to take a fresh look at the relationship and understand your motives. It may have just been an "oops" or it might have had a much deeper motivation. Regardless, just know that we are all human and even the best of us make mistakes. It is how we learn and grow.

You sound defensive, I'm not attacking you. Drinking does not solve anything, using it to self medicate or to help deal with your problems is self destructive. I'm certainly no stranger to bad decisions. I do wish you well.

I have been unable to read your long posts because it is hard for me to process so much text without any punctuation/capitalization, but I am able to read this short post, more or less, so what I see is:

(1) you have been with him for 3 years
(2) you believe that he should have figured out whether he wanted to marry you in 1 year
(3) you also believe that in order for him and you to figure out your next steps, you will need to stay for another year

So it follows from (1) and (2) combined that you have wasted 2 years. Right?

If you indeed have already wasted 2 years, what is the point in wasting another year - (3)? There is a high likelihood that he won't marry you, because (1) has already happened, and to no avail.

So the problem you are facing is called the problem of "sunk cost". You need to read the following article very carefully:

Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I hope it helps.

So the problem you are facing is called the problem of "sunk cost". You need to read the following article very carefully:

Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I hope it helps.[/quote]

Sorry,
I get ahead of myself sometimes. When I have alot on my mind it just comes out messed up sometimes no punctiation and bad spelling.UMMM SUNK COST not sure what your trying to say with that? But he dose not support me I dont live off his income at all I have my own place. So I dont know and your peobley right I might waste another year but I love him and I'm willing to wait and see with patients comes good things.

SUNK COST = the time you have spent on him, the emotional energy you have spent on him, and all of that.

OPPORTUNITY COST = the opportunity of being with other people, who might treat you better, and whom you will not have a chance to meet if you continue seeing him.

SUNK COST problem is the problem of valuing the time you have already spent with him and the emotional energy expended on him and trying to justify them by sticking with him. It is the thinking that goes "I have ALREADY ... so if I leave him now, that would mean that I have wasted my time and it is hard for me to live with the knowledge that I have wasted my time so I better stay with him to avoid getting upset from knowing that I have wasted my time."

Your main problem seems to be that you are thinking too much about the sunk cost and too little about the opportunity cost. On the other hand, a year is not THAT long so your wait and see approach is OK, too.