[MajaSep]

Hi all, this is my first post here.

I am in a two year long relationship with a man from a culture different from my own. We live together in his country. We love each other and want to get married, but we have a big problem that must be resolved before marrying. In fact, if we don't resolve it soon I am afraid it will be the end of us!

I consider myself a very good communicator, and have studied communication skills. He also considers himself a good communicator, but we can not seem to communicate with each other!

Any time we try to talk about anything important, it ends in a fight. I believe this is because we have very different approaches to talking things out. We are both so frustrated that we do not know what to do any more.

Couples counseling, right? Well I would like that, but we live in a small country where we are well-known, and he is uncomfortable revealing our private issues to someone. He does not believe they will keep things confidential. We are not religious, so going to see a religious counselor is out of the picture.

I am so frustrated that I am crying nearly every day now. I really want to hear from people who have had similar problems, not just "my husband won't talk to me" as that is not our problem at all.

Is there anyone else here who has had to deal with communicating with a partner from a different culture?

Maja

[LMo]

Hi Maja:

First of all, welcome to PC, and I am *very* sorry that you're this frustrated. My heart goes out to you.

I was married to someone from another culture, and on top of that, my dad is from a much different culture and generation.

I'm trying to think how our communication issues (my ex-h's and mine) were related to culture and how much was attributed to family style, age difference and personality. He also considered himself a good communicator, but needless to say, it didn't work out. I'm going to have to think about this part a little more -- again, I'm not sure it was so much of a communication issue as personality/family style thing, because I know others in his culture who seem to communicate just fine with American spouses (I'm American).

My dad, however, is a much different issue, and one that clearly doesn't get solved by divorce I can say without doubt that many of our issues are attributed to cultural communication styles. I took a cultural communication class last year, in fact, and my case study was about Hungarian vs American communication styles. It was really good for helping me understand issues that had plagued me about my dad during my 36 years. He has been living in the US for more than 50 years, but he still runs into the same problems over and over again with me and with my stepmom (also American) which seemed to be textbook examples.

Doing the research didn't really help me communicate better with him, but that might be due to laziness on my part. But, it did help me not take his style so personally.

Would you both be interested in doing some research and a case study together? Do you think you both could be objective enough not to look just for aspects that confirm your assumptions, but to keep an open enough mind to cultural concepts that might be due to personalities or the way each of you were raised within your families?

Hang in there Maja. You at least have the benefit that you're both *trying* to talk, so it seems to me that if you're not stonewalling the other, then there is a good chance that you can work it out.

What do you think about the research idea? Have you tried something like that already?

[Maven]

I'm not really sure what advice to give you, but I wanted to welcome you to PC.

I'm sure there are others who will have and post answers, as LMo has.

[valexand]

Hello MajaSep and welcome.
I have been in such a relationship. It didn't work out. I come from a place with much cultural baggage. He comes from a place with not much history - a newly formed country. I found myself more open to his country and culture than he was. I also tried to learn his language to come closer to him. He never tired to learn mine and generally he never made any attempts to come closer to my culture. I think that these "cross-cultural" relationships work out better either when both people come from heavy-cultural places because they both know how and what to respect or when at least one of them wants to join in to the other's culture in some way. The man you are with is making no attempt to come closer to what you grew up with. Your culture is what made you and it is a part of you but he doesn't seem to be approaching that. If you shove these indications under the rug, I think that they will appear again MUCH BIGGER when you guys have kids. How will you raise them? Maybe he does not want to talk about this issue because he has it fixed in his mind that everything will go according to his culture. Maybe to him, your culture does not matter. I remember the guy I was with used to publicly make fun of my culture and belittle it. All of the above of course come from my own bitter experience. I hope things work out for you. I hope he loves you enough to want to talk things through with you and keep the relationship going. Good luck.

[hillbunnyb]

Hi Maja, welcome to PC. I like the idea of doing researh together. Take the personal edge off things.... get a new perspective.... shed enough light so you can make informed choices about your future together.

[MajaSep]

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply Lmo. I do not understand the research and case study you mentioned. Could you explain that please?

[MajaSep]

Thank you for your response Valexand. He and I basically speak the same language, although many words mean something different in our dialects. I do not know exactly how to explain that. I have learned to adapt to the way of speaking here.

I think one of the problems we have is that we live in his country and in his culture. He believes that I simply must fit in to the way things are here. I do try very hard, but some things are hard to change after a lifetime of thinking one way.

At least I do not think that children will be an issue. I am in my late 30s and have nearly adult children already (they go to boarding school). He is 20 years older than me and his children are adults.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
valexand said:
Hello MajaSep and welcome.
I have been in such a relationship. It didn't work out. I come from a place with much cultural baggage. He comes from a place with not much history - a newly formed country. I found myself more open to his country and culture than he was. I also tried to learn his language to come closer to him. He never tired to learn mine and generally he never made any attempts to come closer to my culture. I think that these "cross-cultural" relationships work out better either when both people come from heavy-cultural places because they both know how and what to respect or when at least one of them wants to join in to the other's culture in some way. The man you are with is making no attempt to come closer to what you grew up with. Your culture is what made you and it is a part of you but he doesn't seem to be approaching that. If you shove these indications under the rug, I think that they will appear again MUCH BIGGER when you guys have kids. How will you raise them? Maybe he does not want to talk about this issue because he has it fixed in his mind that everything will go according to his culture. Maybe to him, your culture does not matter. I remember the guy I was with used to publicly make fun of my culture and belittle it. All of the above of course come from my own bitter experience. I hope things work out for you. I hope he loves you enough to want to talk things through with you and keep the relationship going. Good luck.

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[MajaSep]

Thank you for your welcome Maven and Hillbunny!