[desirae]

My husband Brian is always angry, he complains constantly, and makes me feel as though anything I do is inadequate. I understand he works hard and gets very tired, but there's no reason he should always complain about everything.

When I am out, and small things, like for example the speedometer on my car stops working I get scared he will get mad at me. When my kids have a tough night, I get blamed for doing something wrong. I want to take my Grandmothers dog, since she asked me to take her before she died, and we are allowed to have pets now, but I fear if I bring her home he will be angry.

I'm tired of being afraid to make him mad and disappointed.

[Rhapsody]

I am so SORRY that you are having to live with FEAR from the man you love.... no one should have to go thru that.
If I may ask? - what are the main issues he is personally dealing with right now.... past or present?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[valexand]

He is just taking you for granted. He is bossing you around! I have gone through that. At first, with this man it was all roses and he adored me. He never got angry with me. Even when I made mistakes, he found them cute and adorable. I have no clue when or how things got gradually shifted to this angry-grumpy state where nothing that I did was ever good enough. I even got yelled at from him in front of invited friends a couple of times.
I don't know what to advise you. If I knew I would have done the same. The difference between us is that you are married to him while I wasn't. We broke up eventually but not because of me. He wanted out cause I guess he got bored of me or something, I don't know. I am sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels. Say, have you tried pampering yourself? Have you tried to "pimp" yourself up to remind him of the person he fell in love with? Maybe he's got lost in the daily routine....can this be a reason?

[SeptemberMorn]

Des, is there any possibility that he may have some depression? The reason I ask is that Jerry was like that. No matter what I said or did, it made him go into a rage. Jerry has depression but refuses to medicate.

Something else to think about is his diet. Don't ask me why I ask. LOL It's just something that popped into my head... Could he be hypoglycimic?

Physical health not being the issue, maybe you need couple's counceling. It's terribly to live with the fear that anything you do will "get you into trouble." I've lived that way. No way! No more!

You need to set your own boundaries in a healthy way. He's running all over them at this point.

At any rate, it would be wise for you to try everything that you can to make your marriage work. If you don't get his cooperation, well then... what can I say?

[almostangela]

Fight back. You don't deserve to be a dumping ground for someone els's issues. You are a kind, giving, loving person and there are a million men out there that would appreciate you and love you without all that crap. If you don't fight, it is just going to get worse because he is already programmed to treat you like dirt (which is what he is doing by blaming you). In my first marriage, I took it as a good understanding and gentle wife should and my selfesteem and wellbeing crashed (and so did the marraige). I figured that I could handle it and I would shield the kids from it all. Then one day I snapped and I couldn't function at all and all the stuff I was trying to keep up while I was being mentally pushed around had fallen regardless of my efforts.

I'm now in a new relationship and whenever my new guy decides to dump on me or toss anger at me, I blast him one, and it stops. Not only does it stop, but I have his respect and I found a level of love that I never knew existed. Who knows why people do what they do. It could be cultural acceptance, stress or just petty selfishness, but in any event, life is too short, you deserve better and your kids are watching and learning. Take the risk to fight because the alternative to your well being and the well being of your children is not acceptable. If you are afraid, that is okay, because for every action inspite of your fears is a greater reward to your inner strength.

Talk it out when you need to. We are your friends and we are here for you without judgement.

[bebop]

fighting is never the answer to anything. fighting causes more fighting.
Communication is the key to any relationship. Let him know how it makes you feel.

(((((((((((((Desirae)))))))))))

I have no words but I understand.

[almostangela]

Maybe 'fight back' is the wrong word. Certainly talk about it, but he would have no motivation to stop his antics and it can't go on so efforts must be made to break the chain.

I have realized that I forgot how scarey it is to confront a bully, especially when your security and lifestyle of your children are at stake, but those things are already at stake. Take little steps by first talking to him, then stopping him in mid sentence to tell him to stop, and even walk away. It is scarey to risk starting an argument because at first you are not likely to succeed, but from my experience, anger is better than depression. With each effort, you get stronger and it is very possible that you two could happily married to the end.

If I sound harsh, I apologize.

[PasDeDeux]

I am sorry you have to fear so much. What has happened when you just did something? What would he do if you got dog food and felt the terrain out?

[Maven]

It sounds like he has some anger issues, and is dissatisfied with his life, and he's taking it out on you. He needs some kind of personal counseling, and you two should have some as a couple. That's if you want to work it out, and he's willing to do so. You can't make him talk to you and work on your problems as a couple, but you can try to convince him to seek help. If he's not willing, you may have to consider taking your kids and getting out of the marriage. If your kids see you just taking the crap he doles out, they may become abusers (and it is abuse) or seek abusers themselves.

I know it's a really hard situation to be in. I really wish you the best.

[hillbunnyb]

walking on eggshells sucks. ))))))) ))desirae((((((( (

[desirae]

I agree with all of you, there is something that can be done, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do them. He does work all day then comes home and goes to bed...so I don't have to deal with him that often, it just gets bad on his two days off.

I do hate that worry feeling I get when I'm out away from him with our car. I chew my lip, smoke a lot, and have that worried feeling in my gut because I'm afraid I'll do something to make him mad.

I went to the gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and bought some pop tarts for my kids breakfast....he *****ed about it and said I spend to much of our money.

I feel as though I cannot do right.

I'm in the process of transferring colleges and he has done nothing but said you're gonna drop out, it's to hard for you to understand...your lazy, you wasted to much time. bla bla bla.

I think his issues are work addiction, alcoholism, and past issues he's dealt with.

I do think I'm a decent woman, I'd never do anything to hurt him, yet he does this to me.....it's %#@&#! up.

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((DESIRAE))))))))))))))))))))))

honey no one should have to listen to this.... i had to growing up and that is how i lived my life.. always worrying abotu makeing someone mad.. afraid to stand on my own two feet. always wanting someone else make the descision so i wouldnt be wrong and get the blame for it..... you need to take a stand.. not just for you but for your kids too!!! we are here for you!!!! You are not worthless, and i dont care who says what going to college and trying to better yourself , is never a waste of time....

[katheryn]

just a thought have you explained to your husband that you dont like him being angry, if its to hard to talk try writing a letter to him and ask him to respond because all he is doing is pushing you away

[razeljenny]

I really hope that everything will get better. Remember your self worth. It depends on no ones opinion of yourself. It even depends on your inner voice disreguarding voices in your own head that tell you that "you aren't good enough. Did you see the add on tv about the HU element? It is so cute. BP puts it out and It is cute. It reminds me that being HU is difficult. There are some elements that are not reactive but my guess is that we humans react alot so HU is sometimes very reactive and needs to have a base of stability, which could be friends, that are all the time supportive. I struggle constantly to be a complete friend to myself under ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. Good Luck.

[wisewoman]

You and the kids are what's important here. Remember how a child views the world. They will guide you.

[razeljenny]

From day to day, different things we focus on and our partners see differently. Smiles to you Desirae, and if he wants to go to the Pdoc that would be really great. How can you run that by him? Do you think that it could just be financial worries because if it is, my advice is telling him that you are understanding of how he hurts that he can't give you and the family more things and being reassuring and telling him the best things he has given-his good looks, himself, his great wonderfulness that you first attracted to and the fact that his love is the most powerful thing on Earth except for god and your higher power. See what happens after that kind of conversation? I don't think men really want to exibit rudeness, misery and the like, it is just that they signal to their woman that they are really hurting and painfully uncomfortable (wanting some undivided attention for "just" a little while- and than they will promise "you" that "They will make it all better," after they hear the words<" I BELIEVE IN YOU MR. MAN!"

Now what do you think of that ladies? BUT if has worked for me, that's all, it works for me, that way of behaving,,,,,,,,,,,,,,raze thinkin outloud agin

[sujunew]

(((((desirae)))))
just to let you know I understand so well
have just left an 8yr marriage where the love was there, but so was the fear, the abuse, all the negative stuff. I wish at times I had not gone back to him all those times, but love is soo big, and if I had of stayed away I wouldn't have my beautiful children. Whatever you do keep your good self esteem- at least you can acknowledge that you are a decent person. If he is willing to get some help for his past issues so as to make the future for your family more positive then good on him. GL

[nothemama8]

could he possibley be worried about your Mothers actions , and other things not in his control

[Maven]

Whatever is eating him, it doesn't give him a right to take it out on his family.

[Rhapsody]

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Maven said:
Whatever is eating him, it doesn't give him a right to take it out on his family.

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I'm tired of being afraid to make him mad and disappointed.

I hear you!

[EJ711]

Desirae,

That is a terrible and unfair burden to place on you.

Has your job at Walmart started.

I'm not sure what to suggest other than maybe going on a picnic, and tell him how that makes you feel. He may not even realize he is behaving in this way.

Keep us posted.

Hugs,

EJ