[Sisyphe]

A long rant I wrote on the bus on my way to work this morning...

I feel like there is no point in even talking to you.
Everything is fine in our relationship as long as I don't ask anything of you (to do something, to change) and as long as I don't think of the future.
The present moments are mostly good, but that isn't enough.
I'm in a relationship but I still feel alone.
I can't talk to you about stuff because it's pointless and just leads to fights. You either turn into this angry person that I don't recognize or the conversation goes well but nothing actually changes.
I don't feel like you have my back, like were in this together.
You talk alot but there's not a lot of action, just pretty words.
I feel like this relationship is stuck, is going nowhere.
I can't live like this forever.
Scared to ask things of you.
You just do nothing, you're so lazy, irresponsible, I can't count on your word, you don't contribute your share of anything (money, housework, emotional availability).
I give you so much: I do you favors all the time, I listen to you even when I don't want to, I'm patient with all your ********, I've lowered my living standards for you.
I guess it's my fault.
I would prefer to just do something myself rather than wait for you to do it and be disappointed.

Even though I'm unsatisfied with our relationship and I don't believe things will ever get better (because that all rests on you changing), I'm terrified to leave. It's comfortable and familiar.
I'm scared to be alone.
I don't believe I could find anyone better that would want to be with me.
I know I deserve better than you and I have much higher potential to be successful and happy, I'm just too scared to take that chance.
There's no point, I won't be happy no matter what, so I might as well settle for the little moments of happiness with you.

The situation. What happened:
- Got home from work around 6:00.
- Andrew spent the entire evening on the couch, mostly sleeping. This is totally fine, doesn't bother me.
- Around 8:30. He is awake. I ask if he can do the kitty litter. He says no, he doesn't feel like it, he'll do it tomorrow. But by tomorrow morning, it will have been a whole 48 hours since the litter was done. I think this is too long. He doesn't agree.
- This is where the conflicts starts. My point of view is that he has been sleeping on the couch all evening. The least he can do is take 5 minutes and do the kitty litter. I would consider it a favour to me.
- So after he says that he will do it tomorrow and I say that is too long without changing it. I mention that he has been sleeping all evening. He gets really annoyed all of a sudden and in my opinion he is yelling at me. I say, do you realize you're yelling at me. He says that I should just stop talking and walk away. At this point I am very upset, my face is burning up, but I try not to show it. I say something like, "yeah, and you dont have an anger problem", and I think he responded no.
- I walk away, go to the other room. I am super pissed off, crying. I write in my journal, walk the dog, go to bed without talking to him. This morning we ignore each other and dont say a word.

- I want him to bring it up and apologize to me.
- After a fight, I am always the one who "gives in" and starts talking first. I want him to apologize.
- I know this is super unlikely, but I wish he would just apologize and admit he is lazy and doesn't pull his weight in this relationship.
- I give him so much and he gives me so little. He couldn't even take 5 minutes and do the kitty litter. I know we both contributed to this fight, but it would have been so much easier if he would have just done it.
- Well I am pissed. I am done doing him favours until he apologizes and recognized the situation.
- He needs me more than I need him.
- Favours that I won't do until he apologizes: Picking stuff up at the store, walking Ben on Friday morning, listening to him ***** about work (I will just tell him that I don't want to hear it), doing his laundry, lending him money
- He wouldn't do me a tiny favour and instead he yells and acts like a total jerk? Fine. I can be just as stubborn.
- The only selfless favour he does for me is to occasionally pick me up from somewhere. Other than that, he just takes.

So why am I with him? What do I get out of this relationship?
- the animals
- cheap rent
- I like hanging out with him, cuddling, etc.
- We do get along really well when things are good.

- But again, as soon as I ask anything from him, he lets me down.
- And when I think of a future with him, I get anxious and scared and I don't want to think about it. How long can I live like this? With him just being lazy, unproductive and irresponsible. Not saving any money. Drinking too much. Not able to count on him to get **** done or take care of his **** (insurance audit, still never put up the curtains- I will have to do it myself because I'm sick of looking at it, just sleeps all day on the couch.)
- I might as well be in a relationship with a talking, farting pillow.

- I just don't feel like he loves me.
- He says he loves me so much and bla bla bla, lots of pretty words
- But his actions don't reflect that
- When situations like this come up and he turns into this angry asshole, I don't see someone who loves me.
- I see someone who is taking advantage of me
- He knows he doesn't have to be accountable because I will pick up the slack, I will bail him out
- Love is not just cuddling and saying pretty words
- Love is actions and doing nice things for your partner in a selfless way.
- Instead of taking 5 minutes to do a task as a favour to this person he "loves", he decided to get angry and be an asshole
- And he wonders why I doubt his love
- If he loved me, then he would want to be his very best self - not just lie around on the couch all day
- If he loved me, then he would want to do favours for me that make my life easier- not just say he will do something and take forever to do it or just never do it at all.
- If he loved me, then he would speak to me with respect - not tell me to **** off

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Sisyphe

- I might as well be in a relationship with a talking, farting pillow.

You have summed it up so well. You clearly have your wits and sense of humor fully available to you, as well as the ability to organize your thoughts well.

Let me just ask you a question - is it at all possible that he might have clinical depression and not be "lazy" as in "lazy=bad character trait"? Has he ever behaved differently? Has he ever done the kitty litter frequently enough, and, even without prompting from you? Or, have you always done a hugely disproportionate share of favors to him, without any or almost any reciprocation?

One possible solution to the problem is stopping to cohabit. Then you can use his time selectively for cuddling etc. (see in bold below) and not have to watch him sleep on the couch and be annoyed by that sight.

But you said:

"So why am I with him? What do I get out of this relationship?
- the animals
- cheap rent
- I like hanging out with him, cuddling, etc.
- We do get along really well when things are good."

So you benefit from cheap rent, right? that would mean that stopping to cohabit is not a solution.

Whose animals are they? Are both the cat(s) and the dog his?

[Sisyphe]

Hi hamster-bamster, thanks for your reply. Yes, he has mental health issues such as anxiety and addiction. I try to be compassionate and patient with him. We have had conversations about his "yelling" and how I have very low tolerance for yelling and confrontation (I'm an "HSP", highly sensitive person). He said he's trying not to yell and to be more gentle with me... but I have not seen any improvement as of yet.

If I moved out of our apartment it would be the equivalent of ending the relationship. I don't think I'm at that point yet... but a part of me knows that we're doomed. The other part just doesn't care and wants to enjoy the good moments even though it requires me to bite my tongue more often that I think is healthy. And then a tiny part of me has hope that we will live happily ever after.

The dog and 1 cat are his. 2 cats are mine. Honestly, if it wasn't for the dog, I don't think we would still be together!

[hamster-bamster]

I doubt that your being a HSP is responsible for low tolerance for yelling. What you report is normal. If one of the cats is his (plus, YOU walk HIS dog...) and he does not do the kitty litter and that goes on and on, a normal person would get annoyed. And, if yelled back at in response, would be upset/angry/cry. All of it is in line.

I am not saying that you are not a HSP, but just observing that one does not need to be an HSP to react the way you do.

[kaliope]

you spell it all out so clearly. you just have to get to the point of loving and respecting yourself enough to do something about it. youre worth more, invest in you.