[neurotic johnnie]

why I are my relationships "fear based"? That is, not that i instill fear into my partner, but that I make decisions based on my fears and insecurities. For example, with my girlfriend, everyone asks me how it's going with her, to which i reply, in truth, wonderful. She is the girl of my dreams. Young, blonde, no kids, smart, college educated. But i get so pissed off everytime some stupid guy checks her out at the store, flirts with her at the restaurants, or the neighbor kids "visually undress" her. Am I being insecure or overly sensitive? f. I can see the downward spiral of me becoming controlling, manipulating, and mean based on making these decisions based out of fear. For example, if she gets gawked at, I get pissed of at her and take it out on her. That is not healthy! Ideas? Comments? Insults? HELP!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by neurotic johnnie

Young, blonde,

For example, if she gets gawked at, I get pissed of at her and take it out on her. That is not healthy! Ideas? Comments? Insults? HELP!

No, that is not healthy. It is also stupid - you should realize that your have mutually exclusive requirements, and your having mutually exclusive requirements is YOUR problem and not her problem.

If you want young and blonde, and are more-or-less in touch with reality, you should realize that many other guys would like young and blonde too. Not all, but many. As per the 1953 movie, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) - IMDb - it is a classic movie and if you have not watched it, you should do so ASAP.

In other words, your wanting your gf to be young and blonde is not something highly unusual and unique to you ALONE.

Therefore, if you want a gf who would never be checked out by other guys, you clearly should drop the idea of "young and blonde" altogether and for the rest of your life.

To summarize your requirements, as I am able to distill them from the quoted part of your OP, above, you want her to be "young and blonde" only to YOU, but not to other people. For that, she would need magic powers.

[hamster-bamster]

In terms of your practical next steps, besides watching the movie with Monroe if you have not yet done so, you should apologize to the gf for "taking it out on her" in the past, as that should improve your chances of continuing the relationship with her. Plus, it is just simply the right thing to do.

[hamster-bamster]

And, you owe it to the girlfriend to be polite and treat her well, and the duty to treat her well comes BEFORE the quest for the explanations of your reactions that use a variety of psychological terms, such as "neurotic" (an old term, not in use anymore), "insecure", "fear-based", and so on and so forth.

You should consider yourself very lucky that she has tolerated your presence so far, because based on your description of the gf, she would have some other choices besides you. She does not seem to be somebody who would be desperate and forlorn without you.

I have noticed Payne advising flowers on another thread, as a way to make up for past wrongs, and I cannot find a better way for you to start making amends for your behavior. If the gf likes flowers, that is. But you cannot really go wrong with flowers...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by neurotic johnnie

why I are my relationships "fear based"? That is, not that i instill fear into my partner, but that I make decisions based on my fears and insecurities. For example, with my girlfriend, everyone asks me how it's going with her, to which i reply, in truth, wonderful. She is the girl of my dreams. Young, blonde, no kids, smart, college educated. But i get so pissed off everytime some stupid guy checks her out at the store, flirts with her at the restaurants, or the neighbor kids "visually undress" her. Am I being insecure or overly sensitive? f. I can see the downward spiral of me becoming controlling, manipulating, and mean based on making these decisions based out of fear.

That could be the case, indeed, though it would not be a rational response to feeling fear and insecurity. The rational response to feeling fear - I take it, you mean the fear of losing her, and that fear is so prominent in you that you cannot tolerate neighborhood kids and cannot mention guys looking at her at the store without calling such guys "stupid" although they have not said a word to you - is to over-insure that she stays with you, in general by being extra nice. Becoming controlling and mean is NOT a rational response to feeling the fear of losing her. That said, a lot of people DO act in such an irrational way, and they get away with such actions because their girlfriends are irrational themselves. Girlfriends or wives who have personality issues or perhaps some childhood trauma etc. would stay with controlling boyfriends and husbands even when better options are available. So when you say that you can see a downward spiral, you are counting on her being irrational and having personality problems or legacy of early trauma. I must say that it you are so SURE that she will stay with you despite your becoming controlling, then you do not really have INSECURITY. Your state of mind can be best characterized as that of a person who is TOO SECURE.

[BonnieG2010]

you act like she is property, but she is not.

You want her and admire her, but nobody else should do that too. how come?

have you seen the film ' the first beautiful thing'?
she is married (and in love) with a man that chose her for what she was but cannot stand other men to admire her too

blaming her for what you feel is something you should forbid yourself
but maybe you don't think it's such a big deal.

Until the day she walks away.
Too bad maybe, but you won't be pissed anymore.

By the way, that's what happens in the movie

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BonnieG2010

you act like she is property, but she is not.

You want her and admire her, but nobody else should do that too. how come?

have you seen the film ' the first beautiful thing'?
she is married (and in love) with a man that chose her for what she was but cannot stand other men to admire her too

blaming her for what you feel is something you should forbid yourself
but maybe you don't think it's such a big deal.

Until the day she walks away.
Too bad maybe, but you won't be pissed anymore.

By the way, that's what happens in the movie

Thank you for good advice and a movie recommendation!

Re: the bold part. Maybe that will be the best outcome - meaning, the swiftest way to learn. Having consequences to one's behavior may work better than getting wisdom of the crowds. OP will be on his best behavior with the subsequent girlfriend. Won't work to get this gf back, though.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by neurotic johnnie

1) your requirements: Young, blonde, no kids, smart, college educated.

2) what pisses you off: some stupid guy checks her out at the store, flirts with her at the restaurants, or the neighbor kids "visually undress" her... if she gets gawked at

3) you are asking for: Ideas? Comments? HELP!

wrt (3): The most radical idea for your particular predicament is to date a traditional Muslim woman who dresses in traditional Muslim ways (ideally with head coverings). That will drastically decrease (2). The issue would be how to combine this solution while meeting (1). I think that young is no problem, blonde is a HUGE problem (I assume you want natural blonde and not peroxide blonde), no kids should be a given if you date a single young Muslim woman, smart is totally possible, and college educated is becoming more and more possible these days. So while it would be fairly hard to find a Muslim woman who meets (1), it is not entirely impossible, especially if you relax the hair color constraint.

You will then just need to convince such a woman to date you. Traditional Muslim women do not date guys like you often. But nothing is impossible.

Originally Posted by neurotic johnnie

why I are my relationships "fear based"? That is, not that i instill fear into my partner, but that I make decisions based on my fears and insecurities. For example, with my girlfriend, everyone asks me how it's going with her, to which i reply, in truth, wonderful. She is the girl of my dreams. Young, blonde, no kids, smart, college educated. But i get so pissed off everytime some stupid guy checks her out at the store, flirts with her at the restaurants, or the neighbor kids "visually undress" her. Am I being insecure or overly sensitive? f. I can see the downward spiral of me becoming controlling, manipulating, and mean based on making these decisions based out of fear. For example, if she gets gawked at, I get pissed of at her and take it out on her. That is not healthy! Ideas? Comments? Insults? HELP!

Good on you for realising that you have a problem here. Now you've got to try and conquer these unhealthy feelings and reactions.

First of all, why do you think that the neighbour kids "visually undress her"? So what if someone looks at her? Do they actually stare her up and down with a lecherous expression.. or do they give her a cursory glance? I bet if your honest, its the latter and your choice of words/way you see is extreme. So yes, it's most certainly down to you being insecure and less about being sensitive.

Try therapy. Do anything you can to get these negative feelings under control before they take over. Get some of your own confidence before you drive her away. She isn't your property, she is someone who you are lucky to be with, and who is lucky to be with you. All these negative feelings and actions will not stop her leaving you, they will make her leave you quicker and this is what I suspect is behind your actions. You do not have the confidence to trust her.

I've said this before on here, that the best way to help the situation is to make yourself as caring, fun and as lovely as you can be, then they will probably not want to leave you. It's all you can do.

[Trippin2.0]

Now see.... I dont get this at all! I had a bf like you once, and this trophy / property business was the most off-putting thing ever, and this is the thoughts and feelings it evoked in myself:

If I'm so beautiful, why can't you feel pride when a guy checks me out? Why can't you think "ha! fellas you can look but aint no way in hell you can touch! She's with me" or something along those lines...

Why can't you be proud that you snagged a beautiful intelligent, FAITHFUL gf, instead of possessive and laugh at the guys who are too late and missed their chance?

I feel like a prized possession who's owner wants to lock me in a glass trophy case. I AM NOT A FKN TROPHY, and I am CHOOSING to be with you, I wasn't won in a freaken competition!

______________________________________________________________

I share this with you so you may have some insight into your trophy's side of the deal...

People have eyes and people appreciate beauty. Its good and natural. Expecting people to not look is irrational and COMPLETELY unreasonable. It is THEIR eyes, you don't get to dictate what they look at. Why that threatens you is YOUR issue, you have NO business making it your gf's issue. EVER.

Why do you choose a beautiful gf and then punish her for being beautiful. THAT is stupid, not the guys checking her out!

If you cant fix this, and essentially can't handle dating a beautiful girl, time to go for a nice strictly traditional Muslim girl like hammy suggested, or an "unnattractive" girl. That way you won't worry who's looking at her.

A word to the wise, the tighter your grip, the faster she WILL flee.

Remember, she chose to be with you, does that not count for anything?

Goodluck with the changing, the apology, the sweet gestures and not chasing her off as if you had a contagious flesh eating virus.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

If I'm so beautiful, why can't you feel pride when a guy checks me out? Why can't you think "ha! fellas you can look but aint no way in hell you can touch! She's with me" or something along those lines...

Why can't you be proud that you snagged a beautiful intelligent, FAITHFUL gf, instead of possessive and laugh at the guys who are too late and missed their chance?

Johnny, those are priceless suggestions from the trenches. I hope you are all ears now.