[nyx123]

I am a student who has just finished her final year of examinations last year. My results came out a few weeks ago; I did well, not brilliantly, but well (11A's, with 7A+'s and 2A's, the best possible results would be all straight A+'s.) It was something I never dreamed of, I had hoped for only 9A's. It came as a surprise to my parents also and they began to ask me to apply for scholarships.

The problem is that now I suddenly feel very scared of my future. I applied for everything they asked me to, but I am convinced that I will not get the scholarships and I am afraid that I am only raising my hopes. Originally, I had simply planned to undergo a nurse-training programme sponsored by the government because my parents are unable to pay for my education privately. We are lower-middle class; in American dollars, my parent's income is only about 500$ per month. It is enough to live and buy small luxuries like this computer I use but not much more. So I didn't want to be a burden to them and decided to choose nursing, despite the fact many of my friends consider it very menial and low class.

I don't know why I am convinced that I will fail my scholarship applications, but I like to think it is because I am a purely average student with no outstanding abilities and I know that compared to other people my achievements are very menial. I have actually been contacted and shortlisted for an interview by a renowned oil company, but so have many other people and a few friends of mine who did much better than me. I am so afraid of disappointing my parents especially, because since I was shortlisted, if I do not get the scholarship they will blame me and say that it was I who made mistakes in the interview.

I do not have any particular goal or motivation in life. I only want to lead an average life and to have a normal job. But if I cannot get an education I do not know what I can do. I am afraid that I will spend my life doing some low-paying job like a cashier or something. Do not get me wrong; I know that there is nothing wrong with cashiers and I wouldn't mind being one. The only problem is that all of my friends and basically everyone in my social circle whom I depend on are quite well-off and are liable to look down on me if I do not do anything they deem 'useful' with my life.

Aside from that, my mother is suffering from a mental illness. She has had schizophrenia for many years and it really messed my life up. I took care of my family since I was twelve, cooking, washing, ect., and this really made me a social outcast because I had no time for friends or co curricular activities. Many of my friends complain I am withdrawn and cold, and I am afraid that I might one day inherit my mother's illness and be unstable. I already suspect (although this is dubious) that I suffer from schizoid personality disorder; I have extreme difficulty maintaining intimate relationships with other people and I pushed away my best friends, eventually causing them to hate me. My lack of chattiness causes other girls to feel distant from me. As a child I was a thief, a pickpocket and a shoplifter, and this lasted until I was fifteen. (I eventually forced myself to drop the habit because I was afraid of being caught by my classmates, and also because there was a slight improvement in my family's finances around that point.)

After I finished school, to be at least partly self-sufficient I took up a part-time job in a restaurant, doing work in the kitchen. (I absolutely refused to work as a waitress because I am afraid of interacting with customers.) There I met a man (I will call him 'John') whom I liked; I think it is too premature to say I am in love since I am only 18, but when we met something clicked. We have known each other for over half a year now. To my surprise, he responded, although in a confusing manner, and seems genuinely interested in me. I am too afraid to commit into a relationship even though he has asked me too; he has asked me to go out with him but I refused, saying my parents wouldn't allow me due to my age. John is almost ten years older than me and that makes me hesitate. I am very lonely but I don't want to be in a relationship just because I am alone. From all our months of prolonged contact I know he is a very good man (we have worked closely together at least nine hours a day, six days a week for the last six months.) He is honest, straightforward and kind. But for some reason I simply cannot believe that he could ever be in love with me. Physically I am very plain and not beautiful, and being isolated throughout my teen years meant that I lost out on 'girl things' such as how to dress fashionably and so on. I also don't have money for fashionable clothes so I wear very simple, utilitarian and plain clothes that are decent but not pretty.

John has applied to work overseas and has asked me if I will wait for him. I cannot tell if he is serious and I am afraid he is only playing with me even though I feel very strongly that he is serious, because it seems ridiculous that a man of twenty-eight wants anything to do with a girl of eighteen, much less wait for her three years (this is the minimum duration he will be gone.). He says he wants to wait until I complete my studies before we commit fully into a relationship. But I do not think that I will be able to get a scholarship to go to university. John studied at a world-class university and values education highly. I don't know if he will want to be with me if I am not able to study at a higher level. I am not really afraid of him leaving me, I think, I am just afraid of being alone, because right now I am so stressed about everything and it is wonderful to have someone to lean on. I have not told him about my family and my fears because I am convinced that he will find my past disturbing and difficult and then he will leave me also.

I know that I have written a lot of 'afraid''s and 'convinced''s while expressing my thoughts, but although they seem over-emphasized I feel like it accurately describes my state of mind right now. I am afraid because I am convinced the future is set in stone already, and I am convinced my future is absolutely hopeless and that I have no chance of finding someone who will want and love me no matter what I am or will become.

[LovelaceF]

Hello,

It sounds like you are very concerned for your future, understandably. Would you be terribly disappointed if you were denied a scholarship? Could you still enrol in the nursing program, even without the scholarship? Are you going to miss opportunities if you stall and don't fill out applications or apply to university?

I wish you well.

[yellowted]

why not apply for both scholarships and the nursing training, that way if you don't get the scholarship you have the nursing to fall back on, and if you get accepted for everything, then you will have the opportunity to really think about which path you really want your life to follow