[Indie'sOK]

Hi there,
I know I haven't posted much recently so it's probably unfair of me to ask for advice, but I need it. I need an objective opinion because I know I tend to make things bigger in my mind than they really are, and I need help getting past that.

Here's the abridged version of the situation...

Back in August I met someone on a forum for people with autism/aspergers (still currently undiagnosed), he was a guy my age, lived two states away. We got to chatting on Facebook and really hit it off. I mean really did. It seemed like we shared similar tastes in everything, from art to music, etc. it wa obvious from the day we met that we'd be good for each other in real life. Over the following three months we talked almost daily, and I fell hard for this kid. To this day I still believe the feeling was mutual. We met in August, but the night before Thanksgiving he told me that he'd met a girl a couple weeks beforehand and that he was dating her. (I later found out he'd met her over two weeks before telling me, during which he still acted as if he liked me...hmm) Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I felt like I lost not only what we had, but why we could have had someday, if it were at all possible to date someone 600 miles away.

While I was talking to him that fall, I'd also started talking to someone else on a site called OkCupid. There I met an attractive older boy (I was 18, he was 24) who appeared to really care about me and feel attracted to me. I never acted on this relationship before I stopped talking to the first boy, but after Thanksgiving I reconsidered that. In hindsight I think I was just looking for a distraction from the pain of what happened, and just wanted to be with someone to make me feel better. I talked to this older guy throughout all of December and we met in early January. In a moment of weakness I made the mistake of handing over my virginity to him, obviously I regret that now. We continued to talk almost every day for about two months. Also, during this time, the previous boy would randomly strike up conversations with me every couple weeks or so. We didn't talk in a flirtatious way or anything, we were just friends. I know I felt jealous though, and it was hard to acknowledge that.

This went on until early February when I went on a second date with the older guy. We went on a drive out of town and lost rack of time. When my parents found out where we actually went, their reaction intimidated him enough so that he claimed he "couldn't handle the drama" and broke it off. Of course I was sad, but I was quickly able to admit to myself that all the while he was just using me.

Ok, this is the point at which I start to sound like a slut. Around the end of February I was browsing around OkCupid when I met a guy named Carl. He lived about an hour away and was much closer to my age, just having turned 21. We started talking and discovered we were very similar, sharing tastes in music and everything. We talke for a week before meeting. I liked him a lot, but I knew from the beginning that he used pot heavily. That didn't bother me so much until I found out that he also abused prescription drugs. I met him twice, but by the third week of talking he admitted to still having feelings for his ex girlfriend and between that and the drug use, we broke up. I still talked to the first boy from last fall, but my feelings for him had begun to change at this time. I should mention that before me met his girlfriend, we'd sometimes had dirty conversations and done other things online. (horrible I know) Well before I met Carl he approached me one day and was strangely acting flirtatious as he always had before Thanksgiving. I asked if everything was ok with his girlfriend and he said they were ok, but he didn't get to see her very often and that he felt like I understood him better because of his Aspergers. He eventually asked if I wanted to resume out dirty online activity. Honestly I did, but of couse I felt guilty and wondered if his girlfriend suspected there was anything wrong with their relationship. We didn't end up doing anything, and afterwards I could tell that the fact that he was willing to virtually cheat on her changed how I felt about him. I realized that much of what I thought about him as a person was largely fabricated in my mind. I explain it to myself that it's hard to really gauge a person's personality and mannerisms just from an online conversation. I only ever heard his voice once, also. I imagine that because I didn't really know much about who he was, I subconsciously filled in the "blank" spots of his personality in my mind with only positive traits, I hope that makes sense. Basically I probably built him up in my mind to be better than he really was. I just don't understand why I became so easily attached to him. I guess for awhile he felt like the one who got away, even though he is probably very different than what I imagine. So I fell for what is very much an illusion.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago, April 1st to be exact. I was on spring break and had joined a social networking site called MeetMe to talk to friends. Soon after, I was approached by who would later present himself as the sweetest, most caring boy I've ever met. It didn't take long for Seth and I to hit it off, and even though I've only known him as long as I have, it feels like we have been talking for so much longer. He lives about 20 miles away and is 21 years old. We try to meet up a couple times a week, and honestly it already feels like it could go somewhere. I've never felt like this before, for anyone, not even the first boy from last fall. The only thing that's bothering me, and my reason or writing this, is because of the fact that last week, that boy started messaging me again. He came online the other night and told me my pictures on Facebook were cute and sounded jealous when I told him about Seth. Ever since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him, except that all of those thoughts have been negative ones. I don't want to think about him, I want him out of my life! Even if I miss his friendship, I realize that this whole thing confuses me so I blocked him on Facebook. Before the other night I ne'er thought about him. I was turned off by the way he wanted to have sex online while dating someone, and I realized that all throughout the time I've known him, there were always little things that indicated that maybe he wasn't as perfect as I'd made him out to be. Like the way that he claimed to be constantly busy and couldn't talk, even though he dropped out of school, does not work, and spends his time playing the guitar. Or the one awkward conversation we had in which he told me that he likes "really skinny girls." (at the time I was 70+ pounds overweight) He told me that he liked me, but would pull away from me when I reached out to try to give him affection. If the reason I can't stop thinking about him and all this really is because part of me misses and still likes him, then I at least know that it's not like it was months ago. I realize that I greatly idealized him. But still, I would give anything to put all this to rest and move on with my life. I already care a lot about Seth and its definitely mutual. I can see myself having something long term with him. It feels different this time, I guess that's why it bothers me about that boy, because this time I want him out of my life forever.

Can someone help me analyze this? Why am I thinking about him? I know he had an impact on my life but I want to be done with it.

[Indie'sOK]

God, sorry it's so long!!

[separatedgirl]

Take a break. You don't need a guy around you to be complete. Take some time to just focus on you and improve you. The guys will always be around, but the time you spend on you (especially at this young age) is far more imporant.

I think the reason you are thinking about him is because you were previously disappointed in who you he turned out to be, which left you inconclusive. You might have even felt rejected on some level by him by the way he describes his preference for skeleton ladies. Now that he's back and showing interest, the stimuli you have received from him has reactivated the unresolved feeling and thoughts you had before you met Seth. This will likely continue until the matter has been satisfied by questions in your mind being answered by working out the truth of the matter inside you. You are thinking with your head though and you know that guy is a waste of time and will probably end up hurting you and leaving you worse off than before. Stay in control of your physical actions like you already are. Firmly reject him. That could be a lesson for him in turn.

I had patience to read it through

You really are thinking too much, he isn't worth thinking off. Best suggestion is whenever his thought crosses your mind just distract yourself. Go enjoy life with Seth, explore the love that you have always looked for. The first guy will eventually fade. Remember, if you ever feel you are being used again immediately step back. There will be someone really better for you.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you for your response...for being the only person to respond, actually :/

I agree that I'm over thinking it, as I do most things. Obviously an online relationship is superficial and temporary, so I'm site that as soon as things with Seth start to get more serious, I'll look back and wonder why it upset me so much, at least that's what I'm hoping for.

Indie, I don't want to scare you but evaluate Seth well. He may end up breaking your heart too. You need to be strong and rational while going with him. You over-think and that could be your power; power to alert you of coming danger. After each visit, do ask yourself what you liked and what you didn't.
Many a times we keep ignoring things which were constantly hurting us and it is only when all is over that we think of those things. Be alert, be safe.
You are sweet and would definitely get true love in life. And yes, do love yourself and give yourself utmost importance as separated girl advised.

[avlady]

You sound like you take a lot of risks with these men, online relationships can turn out dirty and useless, when the time comes to breakit off especially. Me myself wouldn't trust someone I met online, and you should find out as much as you can when dating these people, find out their past maybe through conversation, they sometimes know what to say to get someone, but when it comes down to it, they aren't what they told you, i'm just saying be very careful of who you meet online too.

[unaluna]

Hey indie. I can't figure out what's going on with your aspie friend either. But I don't know that I'd let him interfere with getting to know Seth. Maybe tell him you're available when you're between boyfriends! Cuz it sounds like he wants to be friends with benefits. Hey, thats what's college is for, right? Even if it's just phone benefits

[lynn P.]

Hi Indie and its okay if you haven't been around - must mean you're busy and living life. You and I have been PC buddies for a few years - I tend to take on a protective role, especially with younger members. I agree you may be over-thinking this and first loves are intense. Good for you in realizing you may have embellished the 1st guy. I'm sure you know about Internet safety and how its very hard to accurately gage a personality. If he was willing to do some sexy online activity while still having a GF, this isn't the kind of man you need. Please be very careful revealing any nudity because it can be copied and used for blackmail and bullying. I'll stop the mothering or Aunt role now lol.

Take it easy with the new guy and learn whatever you can from the past experiences. I really hope this new guy turns out to be great but, remember not to lose yourself completely in the relationship. You need to be strong on your own or with a guy. Most of all don't let anyone have anything on you, like risky photos. Best of luck Indie.

[RomanSunburn]

In addition to everything else that has been said...

You are not a slut.

Just had to say it. Your head is in the right place, you're thinking things through, you're very self aware. Be safe, trust yourself, and, well, move forward. And you're not a slut and shouldn't think of yourself like that. You're beautiful, smart, and sexual. It happens

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by hankster

Hey indie. I can't figure out what's going on with your aspie friend either. But I don't know that I'd let him interfere with getting to know Seth. Maybe tell him you're available when you're between boyfriends! Cuz it sounds like he wants to be friends with benefits. Hey, thats what's college is for, right? Even if it's just phone benefits

I think I made it pretty clear that I want to be over him, and I would never cheat on Seth. To me, anything remotely sexual with another person is cheating.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. Seth and I hung out again tonight and it was so much fun. I never get the feeling that he would do anything to hurt me. It just feels good, and I keep reminding myself that there's nothing good about someone who is willing to cheat on their partner online. I want to maintain the belief that the first guy is indeed an A-hole.