Trust Issues

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over six months, and we are in a long distance relationship. We live close enough to see each other almost every weekend, and we have great communication and a pact with one another to always be honest, even if it's not what the other might want to hear. We've made a committment to one another, and long-term plans for marriage have been discussed and agreed that both of us want to give it a long time.

Here is the struggle. My boyfriend didn't date anyone for almost five years after a series of unfaithful relationships (the girlfriends he had were unfaithful to him) and seeing how demanding his own mother was in her marriages. She's on her third now, and it's falling apart. He is very sensitive and refuses to put up with any woman controlling, manipulating, or guilting him into anything because that has been what he has had to deal with from the women in his life. When he met me and understood that I am direct and straightforward and loathe controlling and manipulation as much as he does, and of course, as we connected on similar interests, personalities, and attraction to one another, our relationship has grown.

However, he is still looking for me to do to him what the women in his past has done. He is almost expecting it, and this past weekend, I said something that he took as me trying to make him feel guilty for his response and suddenly, it's as if all the progress we've made in the past six months of him getting to know me is wiped away. I can't discount his feelings, and I apologized for saying anything that made him feel as though I were trying to make him feel guilty for being himself (which I honestly did not intend), but I can tell the walls are up. It's only been six months, and I can't expect for six months to erase what he has been faced with his entire life. I love him deeply, and I want more than I can express for this relationship to work. I'm willing to continue to be patient and understanding and give it time because this is the largest issue we face. Other than this, our relationship is healthy and strong.

I guess the question I wanted to put out there was if anyone has been in this kind of situation, where time healed and trust was given, or if I'm setting myself up to be in a place five years from now where I'm having to be the one paying for what the women in the past (and present) are doing to him?

This is my question to you - do you want to spend the rest of your life having to watch what you say so you do not "set him off"? A good relationship is one where you can be honest, open and yourself and not worry. I'm not sure you have that kind of relationship.

Trust is gained over time and time is big healer too.... But, all depends if we really want this to happen. We can keep our wounds fresh as ever.

Jadzea, thank you for your reply and your question. I do want to clarify that he didn't yell or get angry but just honestly told me how what I said made him feel. He has been open since day one about his trust issues, and it is something I knew I would need to be patient in and that it would take time for him to get to know me and be able to trust me. No, I do not want a life of having to watch what I say more than what is normal (as I do think we should be respectful to those we love, and though we should always be ourselves and be honest, we should try to do it in a way that isn't hurtful). We do have a honest and open relationship, hence the conversation we had about how he felt, and I told him how I felt in response. He told me he doesn't want me to feel like I have to walk on egg shells, but just that he wanted me to know how what I said made him feel when I said it. And I could see his side of it after he explained it, and he saw my side in that I wasn't trying to control him or make him feel guilty, but said it in a more playful and joking manner. We called it a "learning experience" in the relationship and have decided to move forward. As much as we communicate and have told one another, we are very close, so it's hard to remember that it has only been six months and therefore there is much more to learn about one another and the relationship. My struggle is in suddenly wondering if he can grow to trust me or if he will continually look for a reason not to trust me because of the fear he has of loving me and trusting me and then me hurting him the way he has been hurt many times. That is probably an unfair question for this forum, though, now that I realize it. One, because it probably is different from one person/situation to another. And two, because it can most likely only be answered by time. I can't expect six months to erase his whole life experience with the women around him, but I also don't want five years to pass and still be in a place where he hasn't grown to know me well enough to know I'm not them. And yes, we've talked about this. I was just reaching for outside, unbiased, and maybe even professional relationship advice. :P

Trust IS gained over time - BUT we have to be sure that the person who we're trying to get the trust FROM is willing to GIVE it -- and I'm not sure he is.

I think he's decided (he may not even be aware of it) that he's never going to trust a woman again. You're going to be walking on egg shells from now on, after this last incident, never knowing what's going to set him off. I would NOT want to have to live like that. How are you going to know what reminds him of previous incidents? Are you a mind-reader?

This makes it impossible to BE open and honest with him, for fear of either hurting his feelings, reminding him of something from the past, etc. Like I said, you'll be walking on egg shells. No thanks.....that wouldn't be for me.

Perhaps counseling will help. Maybe the counselor will help him get past his previous hurts. It's worth a try. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

I think Lee brings up an excellent point... Your boyfriend might not be ready to trust, whether subconsciously or consciously. And I tend to agree with you that only time will tell. I think the fact that you were able to have a calm, rational conversation about feelings on both sides of the issue bodes well, but I do recognize your fear as being very just and understandable. I think it might be worthwhile to continue the discussion with him, bringing up the question, gently, if he is ready and wants to start trusting again. And I would maybe stress the point of giving him time to really think about the question before answering.

I think the other hard truth is that no relationship is free from hurting each other, especially unintentionally...