I am recently separated and just started dating again. Should youu tell someone pretty early in the relationship, so they don't think your moodiness is related to them, or should you wait til you feel comfortable?
The problem I see in waiting til you are comfortable is that it might change the relationship to the other and they might leave and I have to deal with all the abandonment issues.

[adam_k]

I think you should wait to tell them until you feel like you trust them enough for them to understand. I told my current wife a couple months after we started dating. I didn't go into depth with it, and she never asked about it. Fast forward 8 years and after I got married and that caused some issues. I don't know of a good solution, but to be honest with them and hope they can't understand and want to be with still.

[Leed]

If you tell them too SOON, it could scare them and they'll bolt! So I wouldn't tell them too soon. Wait until you believe there IS a relationship, and have a heart to heart. Try not to scare him, but just tell him gently you have a condition that requires treatment. You don't want to scare him -- you just want to be honest with him.

Hope it works. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[spondiferous]

I would gauge it by the person, and yeah, whether or not it's actually a relationship. In other words, are things moving along nicely? Going to the 'next level' (whatever that means to you)? I wouldn't feel comfortable getting into a relationship with someone and holding back information. Then again, telling them over dinner on the first date might be as awkward as telling him them what kind of wedding and how many babies you want.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

I am recently separated and just started dating again. Should youu tell someone pretty early in the relationship, so they don't think your moodiness is related to them, or should you wait til you feel comfortable?
The problem I see in waiting til you are comfortable is that it might change the relationship to the other and they might leave and I have to deal with all the abandonment issues.

Sometimes for the best and sometimes not. At least in beginning. But sometimes better to be up front. Sorry this isn't particularly helpful, but every situ differs. Just think thru careful before deciding to divulge or not! The best!

[healingme4me]

I agree, it depends on the point you feel comfortable. At the same time, if things start to get serious, it's best to disclose, you never know, maybe they'll be more understanding than not. Best of luck with dating

[enjoy-the-silence]

This is hard for me. One time I waited a while, until I felt comfortable, and the guy freaked out, bolted, and never spoke to me again. It was very upsetting because I was still the same person he liked before I told him..

The next time, I told the guy right away because I figured if he was going to abandon me, I might as well get it over with before I felt attached. He reacted really positively and kindly and wanted to do anything he could to help, but then.. about a month later he did some terrible things that he knew he could get away with and take advantage of me for just because of my mental illness, so now I don't really know who to trust or if there is any good time to tell someone.

[hamster-bamster]

Medical information is sensitive data, and the general rule about access to sensitive data is that it should be given on a need-to-know basis. The data belongs to you and you give access to it, so you need to determine if the other party has a need to know. I think your point is that the other party has a need to know because otherwise he might attribute your moodiness to his faults and you want to protect him from feeling unnecessary guilt. Is that why you want to disclose MI?

Hi Hamster that part of it. As weel as the fact that I don't want to get too involved with him and find he has a bias against MI. Maybe I could just start a discussion about MI in general, see what his views are and take it from there.

I let ppl that I feel like Im getting close to know right away. Im bipolar, OCD, GAD, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobic etc... I hear what others are saying but thats just what i do. Its part of who I am sadly enough and I can only be who I am and try to become a better person in the progress through life Good Luck to ya!

[poptart316]

Maybe it's a good idea to sort of ease into it progressively.. talk about it in more generally at first and share more information as the relationship progresses.

Although I've been dating for a while and have told people right off the bat and people actually tend to be more open and understanding and some even familiar with mental illness.. either they've experienced some themselves or have friends/relatives who have it. Although I'm taking baby steps with the guy I'm seeing now... as of late I've been sort in the mind set that "I'm perfectly normal and have issues; up's and down's just like anyone else" I mean I really think most, if not all people have their moments and experience at least depression at some point in their life.. and yeah my issues might be a little more severe in comparison but it's not like I'm totally bat ***** crazy and this is coming from the person with BPD.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Hi Hamster that part of it. As weel as the fact that I don't want to get too involved with him and find he has a bias against MI. Maybe I could just start a discussion about MI in general, see what his views are and take it from there.

I think it is a good plan, but, based on my LOCAL (Silicon Valley) experience, do not mention bipolar right off the bat. You can mention depression and anxiety.

This is from my local experience - locally, here, depression and anxiety are mentioned completely casually during catch-up coffee dates with someone you have not seen in a few years, etc. Depression and anxiety are mentioned without any prompting of any sort. Last time it happened to me - I had a catch-up lunch date with a woman whom I last saw in 2008. She did not eat some sort of a typical food based on wheat. She told me all about how she avoids gluten in order to combat symptoms of depression, and how well the gluten-free diet is helping her, so that she does not need medications.

Did she have to say it?

No.

She could have just said that she was gluten intolerant, as many people are.

She chose to disclose the symptoms of depression.

And it happens all the time.

Bipolar and schizophrenia, though, remain serious illnesses and not something you just mention casually in-between the main course and dessert.

And that, too:

Originally Posted by poptart316

I mean I really think most, if not all people have their moments and experience at least depression at some point in their life..

if you start talking about it, chances are that either he or his brother... you get the point. It is a fairly safe route. It is depression, just that, depression - you are not hearing voices.

[AnxiousKitty]

You should tell them soon, but not right away---don't let stigma and social cliche's wrap his idea of what your condition is....however, don't hide it. Just bring things up a bit casually and don't get too heavy about it.

If you got anxiety, just say you have anxiety. Once you know him well enough, you can slowly let him into your mental world, just make sure you don't tell him things you wont want others to tell you about their mind .

TO be honest, even though my friends know Im a good person and I won't do anything terrible, my OCD gives me strange ideas, and I know it's best for all my relationships I don't share it---and I just take it straight to at therapist. ( have yet to get one, but thats my plan).

There are some things that are just a bit awkward or seem inappropriate to share (like for example, I hear women really dont want to know whats on a man's mind---and it's best not to...you don't want a guy to share every detail of how he thinks about you, or other women around, females in movies, or his fantasies--you probably will get freaked out too!)

[Neptune83]

I think it's a very personal decision, when to tell a new partner. But for myself, my husband and I met online, we emailed and text each other a lot and I told him straight away because I felt he had a right to know what he was letting himself in for. I'm not the easiest of people to live with! I didn't want to leave it, us get close and then tell him only for him to freak out and end up heartbroken. I thought, if he likes me then he'll accept me for who I am and. It judge me for what I have. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who'd be like that equally so I'd have rather found out his reaction sooner than later. As it goes, he worked in mental health, so I guess I was like a home from home to him lol he wasn't bothered by it at all.
Go with your gut, if its telling you to tell them now rather than wait then do it, you'll likely feel better for getting it off your chest as it seems to be something you're worried about.

[Evil Schnoodle]

Part of the problem is that it is easy for us to stigmatize ourselves because of our MI. Would we have as much of a hard time telling someone we have diabetes? You are right...some people are going to react really crappily , some won't. I don't know how I would handle it. I am also bipolar with OCD traits, and GAD. But I think that if I present myself like I regret who I am, then people to me negatively. Remember - 50% of people have MI at some point in their lives. Stay strong!