[texascoco]

While I was at school these past two semesters, I hung out with this kid Brian several times, who is a good friend of my good friend Mallory. He actually has been in love with her for YEARS, even though they dated only a couple months. So, I think his views on relationships and what love is are a little off, and naive, and have not matured. But he started to get a thing for me. He asked me if I wanted to date him, and I said no. Mallory told me that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but she told him that if we hadn't gone on any dates we need to go on dates first. After Brian asked me and I said no to the dating, he seemed cool about it and said he would still want to hang out with me, but then he never texted me after that. I texted him a few nights ago when I was in his part of town and he was pretty short with me, where before he was very attentive and nice and jokey and interested.

This boy is very nice. (He is 27 and I am 24). He is very sweet. He would be easy to get close to because he is willing to talk about personal things and he cares. He seems loyal. He is so much nicer to me than most guys who are interested in me are. With the other guys I feel like they don't care about me and would hurt me in a second - with Brian I feel like he does care about me and genuinely likes me and would not want to hurt me if he could help it.

But I know I do not want to be in a relationship with Brian - we are not right for each other; I know already there's no way I'd want to be with him for the long term. I am somewhat attracted to Brian (I was sleeping with a kid who lived at the same house as me this past school year, though, and I don't know how I feel about having sex with more than one guy in the same time period, plus Brian wasn't really going after me - he didn't touch me at all or flirt all that much, except a tiny bit on texting) but I would never want to be in a relationship with him.

After he was short with me in his texts, I texted him to see if he was unhappy with me. He was still short with me but said he was not unhappy with me. I tried to explain to him that I don't date guys and I don't want to be in a relationship with any guy, because I don't know how and I'm not ready and because I'm not going to enter into something that has even a little sense of commitment or exclusivity, especially when I know that the guy is not right for me long term. Plus I am still not over my first guy, who was amazing and fit with me like no one else did and who I was super close to and loved more than anything. So I told Brian that, and I told him how I go about romantic interests is different than how he does - I will hang out with them and have sex with them but in no way is it dating or a relationship. I didn't think I'd want to do that with him because he seems real nice and like his feelings could get very hurt, where usually I can tell with the guys I have sex with that I won't mean much to them and so I can't hurt their feelings or be trapped in something where they want to be in a real relationship, and it feels safer that way.

But then he said (through texting) why don't we be friends with benefits, then? And he said his feelings wouldn't get hurt and I indicated that I might be down for that, then. And then all of a sudden he wasn't short with me and got all winky and flirty with me. And he took it as a sure thing that we'll have sex. I told him that I'm home for the summer and I don't want to set anything in stone and we should just see where it will go naturally, and I probably won't be ready to be that way with him once I come back in the fall right away, and I told him it's possible I might get there and not want to at all. I told him if I want to hang out with other guys, I will, and if I want to sleep with other guys I might, and that if I feel too ****** about sleeping with two guys around the same time, I might decide to stop having sex with him so I can have sex with the other guy instead. I told him it is risky to do things like be friends with benefits. I was attracted to Brian more when we first started hanging out, and then it declined a little, so I don't even know how I feel right now. Certainly not as strongly as I have for some of the other boys. Brian was usually the one asking me to hang out, whereas usually I'm the one asking the guy to hang out.

I am nervous about his expectations. But I also feel kind of unsettled at how he was short with me, and then all of a sudden when I indicated that I might be willing to have sex with him, he changed, and was all nice and happy and flirty. Makes me feel kind of used already, kind of like my worth is in whether I'll have sex with you or not, kind of like he might be mean to me, too, like the other guys, if there isn't anything he wants from me anymore. It is hard to believe that because he really does seem very nice and sweet and sensitive and caring, but it was still unsettling to see him go from being short with me to being all flirty and nice, in about one second, when he realized I might sleep with him.

[Confusedinomicon]

If your feeling used before you have even slept with him, its probably a good idea to stay away from him. I think its important to evaluate your friendship with him and determine if becoming friends with benefits would limit you two into being fuuk buddies. Its okay to have sex with multiple partners so long as everyone gets tested for hiv/stds.

Don't have sex with him if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

[hamster-bamster]

Your OP has the word "short" in it many, many times - it stood out to me as I read it.

That means that he was really short with you that made you really upset.

So do not have sex with him - there are other men besides him.

[texascoco]

I feel kind of bad, because he really has seemed a lot nicer than other guys, or at least more sensitive and easily hurt, and I can kind of get a sense about which guys are more likely to feel okay about hurting you and which ones are less likely, and he seemed like he was less likely. So I feel bad, like if I end up not sleeping with him it will hurt his feelings and it will be a mean thing to do since he's nicer than a lot of people.

And I also feel bad because I feel like I said I would have sex with him and if I took it back that would be mean and unfair. But I DIDN'T say I would, he asked me "why not we be friends with benefits" and I told him that I'd thought about that and I thought he would get his feelings hurt, then he said he wouldn't, and then he assumed that everything was settled and sex is what we are going to do, 100%, and that his feelings getting hurt was the only thing keeping me from sleeping with him, but that's not true. I said I THOUGHT about it, as in contemplated it, but that doesn't mean ultimately that's what I want. He asked me if I wanted to come over his house and I said "well, I am home six hours away for the summer" and he said "well, at least you know what you'll be doing when you come back." But I never said outright that I agreed to that and that's what we are for sure going to do. He said "I wish we could have talked about this sooner, we could have been having an awesome time together" and I did say "I know, right?" partly because I wasn't sure what to say, but that was the only time that I indicated that sex between us was really what I wanted. Right after that I told him all that stuff about how I might not want to have sex with him when I get back, I might not be ready right away, etc, that I reserve the right to see other guys and dump him for other guys. But I still feel as if I have some obligation to him, like I promised I would have sex, but I DIDN'T promise I would and in fact said the opposite, "I'm not going to make any promises," but he's acting like I did. He assumed super early in the conversation that we are for sure going to have sex and that makes me feel like I must've said we are for sure going to have sex, even though I didn't, and yet I still feel guilty about it.

I kind of just want to stop having anything to do with him completely because I am kind of unnerved by the whole situation and feel pressured and feel ****** about myself and about him, and I get freaked out pretty easy by people, like I am now, and I feel like it would be mean to totally cut him off because he is nice, (except he doesn't seem as nice anymore since once he thought I would have sex with me he stopped being short with me) but on the other hand my gut instinct is telling me that cutting him off is exactly what I want to do.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by texascoco

1) I feel kind of bad, because he really has seemed a lot nicer than other guys, or at least more sensitive and easily hurt, and I can kind of get a sense about which guys are more likely to feel okay about hurting you and which ones are less likely, and he seemed like he was less likely. So I feel bad, like if I end up not sleeping with him it will hurt his feelings and it will be a mean thing to do since he's nicer than a lot of people.

2) but on the other hand my gut instinct is telling me that cutting him off is exactly what I want to do.

In (1), you attempt to rank a number of guys using a criterion and since he comes out on top, you feel that you should reward his winning the contest for being the least likely to hurt you by having sex with him. You then go farther by starting to fear that your unwillingness to give him his brownie points for winning the contest would be mean.

This is one the many valid ways to decide whom to sleep with, but not the most traditional way to go about making the decision. Whether you continue along this line of reasoning is up to you, but I just wanted to point out what it is that you are doing.

In (2), you have isolated what your gut feeling is. This is a much more reliable and traditional way to go about making these sort of decisions, and I personally recommend it.

[Confusedinomicon]

Don't sleep with him.

TLDR: He made me feel guilty about not wanting to be with him and wants to have sex with me. I feel uncomfortable about it but 'agreed'.

I guarantee you will feel worse if you go through it with him then if you politely reject him and move on.