[saudade7]

first off--not depressed.
I'm active, have a relatively high self-esteem, creative etc

but I have to be alone virtually all the time.

it's like the moment someone interrupts my alone time, or if just the idea that I might not get to be isolated at my accord comes into play I stop being peaceful almost instantly. I get angry to the point of having homicidal thoughts towards the one(s) who interrupted me. I start hypervantilating, crying, hitting myself on some occasions, having a panic attack.

Sometimes I will be alone in my room but even if a door in another room is opened or shut, or if I hear people messing with dishes in the kitchen I get paranoid and secretive. I have terrible noise anxiety that came about less than a year ago.

I am also unable to keep up a conversation for long. Small talk is difficult and extremely uncomfortable for me. Yet I think highly of myself. I don't understand why people make me so uncomfortable and anxious. I didn't used to be this way. Seemed to progress each year gradually since high school. When people interrupt my isolation I automatically believe they are doing it on purpose sadistically/malevolently. I view them as fiends getting in the way of my happiness on purpose. I genuinely only enjoy things to the full capacity if I am enjoying them alone. I am in a personal paradise when I am alone. It's like being snatched out of it and thrown into a cage when I am forced to be in someone's presence. I think even if I were invisible, like a ghost, I still wouldn't be able to function around people because I'd still be able to see and here them.

I'm not sure if this is schizoid though or just ****ed up because I do have a strong libido and I do have interests and I can become infatuated with someone. I simply can live without them and would prefer to live alone. The only way I could see myself in a relationship is if the person was very much like me in way of thinking and if I could be isolated from them at the snap of a finger.

My discomfort around people makes me very domineering and hostile. It is preventing me from functioning in the world, and is turning my parents against me, which is bad because I am still financially dependent, though not their legal responsibility anymore.

[Leed]

It sounds kind of like antisocial personality disorder to me. I may be wrong, but that is what it sounds like.

I do think you should see therapy. We can't go thru life avoiding people -- it's not possible if we expect to live "normally."

I hope you will have your doctor refer you to a good therapist -- he will know who to refer you to. But please -- seek therapy!!

I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[healingme4me]

I grew up an only child. I do get the frustration, at needing some alone time, more prevalent after having children. Yet, that's not quite my reaction, it's more an inner frustration, that doesn't tend to boil over, other than sometimes a snarky, Now, What? Question from me...but that's just after too much interruption.

I shy away from the notion of self diagnosis. There are tests out there, that can be administered by a doctor. And from there, they can work with you on whatever you may have, or not have. It may take about an hour of your time, but it can be worth it, knowing precisely where you factor into the analysis scale. May, even surprise yourself. ??

It's more intensive than all these online tests. I'd recommend a phone call, appointment, and ask for the out-patient evaluation. (not a doctor nor medical professional, just another poster on this forum)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Leed

It sounds kind of like antisocial personality disorder to me. I may be wrong, but that is what it sounds like.

I do think you should see therapy. We can't go thru life avoiding people -- it's not possible if we expect to live "normally."

I hope you will have your doctor refer you to a good therapist -- he will know who to refer you to. But please -- seek therapy!!

I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I disagree with suspecting ASPD (anti-social people can be quite charming and command the attention of people around them), I agree with the suggestion to seek therapy. You clearly need therapy. You should not be living like that - you cannot go through life avoiding people, as Lee said.