[MOsman93]

My significant other and I have been together for the past 8 months and for the first 6 it was perfect. Around late january she began looking for problems in the relationship but couldn't find any. She would then come to terms with the fact that its perfect and apologize to me for being crazy. We literally never fight, with the exception of the occasional argument over something silly. About 6 weeks later the same problem had surfaced once more and she began to refer to it as " cold feet ". She would tell me that she feels like i would some day down the line wish to revert to my single life and no longer want to be with her which is nowhere near true. I have lived an EXTREMELY eventful and reckless life and have my and maybe even 10 men's fair share of women which makes me understand so much more how important this woman is to me. Before me she was in an extremely abusive relationship where her BF would do nothing but her make her feel bad about herself, beat her, and cheat on her. Meanwhile she always forgave him and gave him another chance. This went on for TWO YEARS!! After her friends brought her to her senses she cut him off. Once her and I met we hit it off almost instantly. We hung out each and every single day for 3 months straight! I kept it real with her from the very beginning and she did the same. She told me about the abuse from her last boyfriend and that she was past it. She had about 2 and a half years to get past what her ex did to her and it now surfaced that she did nothing more than suppress it. 3 Days ago she broke up with me because she " wants to save me from herself" she told me shes been fighting her inhibitions for the last 3 months of our relationship but just cant help that she cant trust Men because of her ex and her father who abandoned her after repeatedly cheated on her mother for 13 years. We broke up on good terms because more than just being her boyfriend, i was her best friend, her diary. We established that we would be each others best friend and for the last 2 days its been alright. On a side note, in between me and her ex, she "dated" a few guys that she purposely got to develop feelings for her and then shot them down. As much as i want to help her for US i want to just see her happy. For the last few months i haven't seen the smile that i fell in love with and just cant help but want to help her. I totally understand that there is nothing i can do directly but be a good friend to her till she can get her head on straight. She said to me that she doesnt wanna be in a relationship where she cant FULLY trust me. She doesnt wanna be single she just wants to be alone. She doesnt understand that she cant get past this on her own. She had 2 years to try and all she could do is suppress it. And all that is going to happen if i walk away is she will suppress it again and the cycle will start all over. The thing is that shes never been in a position where she was just friends with someone she was in love with. I am the 2nd person shes gotten in this deep with, but i know that deep down all her mind can do is feel like im lulling her into a state of comfort then getting ready to hurt her. I would love nothing more than to see the love of my life happy and in a healthy mental state.

[Leed]

Hi MOsman ~ I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do. This girl needs therapy badly, and until SHE makes the appointment and SHE goes to see the therapist herself, she's just plain on her own.

I'm sure she's aware that she needs therapy. And she must be aware that there's help "out there." If she needs a referral, all she has to do is ask her doctor for one, and he'll take care of that. In fact, you could talk to her and tell her to call her doctor and ask for a referral to a good therapist -- maybe that would put the idea in her head! (is she blonde? LOL -- sorry, just a joke)

I wish you the best. I hope she gets some help, and soon!! She sounds like she's pretty miserable. She really needs help, and I hope she gets it soon. god bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[tinyrabbit]

These are her problems, not yours, and she needs to take responsibility for herself. Being in a relationship shouldn't be about becoming someone's therapist, crutch, or enabler. It's fine to care, but it's not your job to get her over her past. She needs to do that herself. It's wonderful that you care and want to help her, but you wouldn't be helping her or yourself in the long run if you didn't expect her to take responsibility for her own healing.

[Neptune83]

Bless you both. I really feel for the pair of you. It's clear you care greatly about her and that's lovely. But what the others have said is so true. The only one who can help her is herself. If she doesn't figure out how to get through this and leans on you too much, then she will become reliant on you and never truly overcome this.
I know two years may sound a fair time, but it's still really early days. Suppressing something that awful is a normal reaction for many, it protects what you may not be able to cope with at the time. What she went through will always be with her, but with a little help from a good therapist, your support and of course her own strength (which she has a lot of to have left this other guy) then she will absolutely learn to manage her feelings and learn she can trust again.
Speaking from my own experience, I was in an extremely abusive 'relationship' 16 years ago and I have never dealt with it properly. It really screwed my head up. I tried therapy, plenty of it, but it always ended up too much to cope with so I'd cancel, or the sessions were limited so just when I felt we were making progress they'd stop and I'd feel back at square one again. My previous relationship was right after the nasty one, and we were together 11 years. But because it was so soon after and I'd not sorted myself out, I became reliant on him for everything. It really didn't do me any favours. He was a nice guy and stuck by me, did everything he could to help, but I wasn't doing any of the legwork.
We split, different story.. My husband now after my mental health took a nosedive I've started to become reliant on him too and I don't want to be. Putting things in place not to make the same mistakes again. But do I trust him? No. Not 100% anyway. Very much like your girlfriend, I believe a lot of the time that he will one day abandon me. Or I think he's lying when he says he loves me. I get scared I'll be forced into things I don't want again, even though he's nothing like him at all. It's all ridiculous when I think about it, but applying rational thought is easier said than done when you feel vulnerable. And this is it, when you're in love with someone you are vulnerable to them. It's scary enough for anyone, never mind someone who's been through something terrible with someone they thought loved them. It breaks everything, every bit of trust in people you ever had. What with her dad too, maybe she's thinking history is repeating itself? It's hard not to think like that, even though you may be the complete opposite of those men. It doesn't sound as though you've taken it to heart and sounds like you're well aware of why she's being like this and that's good. It's lovely you're so understanding. But don't forget to look after yourself too. Give her support, a hug, a friend by all means, but she has to do this herself.