[itsme12345]

Hi @all

I am a 32 year`s old woman and I feel tired and lonely from this life. I never met a man who was even willing to get to know me to be able to decide if I he wants to have a serious relationship with me. In the meanwhile I had/I am having sex with a lot of men. I am doing that without thinking about anything more because (?) I already accepted that I will never have a serious relationship in this life and moreover its better for the own career to spend no time with idiots and I seem not to be worth it.

Most of the men I knew some months/years before I really "get in touch" with them, they enjoy talking to me, are happy to meet me. Usually they want my mobile number (if they not yet have it) and meet me again, Then I am really happy... as they might want to get to know me. Until I realize its the same again: they want some strange relationship from me. Despite the fact that we talked to each other about interesting topics before they do not even take into consideration to get to know me. I hate myself for even thinking that anyone could love anything from me but my optical appearance or the fact that their colleagues did not succeed to sleep with me.

By strange relationship I do not mean that they just want sex, that would be ok for me. They want me to desire them, to be jealous when they meet someone else. But I am not. I guess thats why some of them "stalk" me, some for years. I tried to be without men for 2 years but having good sex (respective that until know I was always lucky) is better than not to have any kind of relationship to the other gender. And I seem to have no choice.

I am not only meeting men who are "offensive" but also the "shy" ones, I also tried to "help" them showing I am interested in a contact with them they are obviously not. I met one these guys 3 weeks ago... or again. And I feel bad again. I hate this hope coming to my mind that the men (any man) might want to know me. And the fact that I was tricked again, I should have learned from the past that no one is interested in my personality. I guess I am not worth it. But I dont know why. I dont want that anymore as it destroys me. To get distracted from the last men, I am thinking to go out again on weekend and to f*** anyone else, without sharing numbers, to feel better.

Is there anyone out there kowing what I am talking about?

[Travelinglady]

Welcome! I suggest you seek out a therapist to find out why you are doing what you are doing and to work toward more healthy relationships. As you suggest, you must have some negative feelings toward yourself and what you are doing is not good for you....

[itsme12345]

Hello PAYNE1,

I know very well that I destroy myself with my behaviour. I reject myself, I guess subconsciously I want to punish myself as I dont like me. I tried to change this, not only one time and not only for a short period. But everything I try does not work. I find myself again in the same situation. I decided to communicate in this forum as I want to face this problem and talking to others with similar experiences in an anonimous space might help me... somehow... as I can be completely honest without "losing face" what is not that easy with a therapist. Nevertheless I registered for a therapy place (for another reason) and I have a waiting period of 8 months. And I really dont know if I can talk about this with a real person...