[Bodiesneverfound]

I posted about this a while ago but long story short I was in a relationship with someone who was verbally/emotionally abusive and it had escalated to a few isolated incidents of physical abuse. I was with him for four years and we were engaged. I had been verbally and physically abusive towards him the first year but openly acknowledged it and got therapy- in short I changed. He did not. About a month ago we had a fight over some serious issues (his stepfather sexually assaulted me and I did not tell him out of fear and shame but he viewed this as me being dishonest and thought it was on the level of cheating) and he went into a rage, yelled at me, backed me up in a corner and threatened to hit me, threw our things, put a hole in the wall and got the cops called on us.
He broke up with me after that, then immediately asked for me back and I went back. The next day he broke up with me again. He called two days later and asked me to come back and I told him no. I sent him a letter and told him he could call me in a month to see where we stood. He called and now we are emailing back and forth. He gave me a blanket apology and asked me to come back to him and I sent him an email telling him that if he did acknowledge his physical and verbal abuse of me and apologize for it specifically, as well as show genuine empathy for my side of the issues we broke up over then I would never talk with him again.
Today he sent me an email and actually did exactly what I asked. I was shocked. He openly admitted that he was abusive emotionally and physically and there was no excuse. He showed empathy and understanding for my side (his email was rather detailed) and he said he would be willing to do anything, even couples therapy for me. We had had plans to go on a long roadtrip (i.e. be on the road indefinitely) and he said he has been preparing to do it alone (I have been doing the same thing except I was planning on leaving after I finished my premed work in about a year and a half) but wants me back and is willing to stay and wait for me if I want to fix things. He said he understood that I would need time to make my decision on whether or not I want him back in my life but he wants to know if he should wait for me or leave in August.
I am genuinely shocked that he is willing to do this for me and was able to openly acknowledge the abuse (this has never happened before) and validate my version of the issues (also never happened before). So I am considering taking him back. I still love him and we still have the same long term goals. I have a long laundry list of stipulations and boundaries that he would have to be okay with to be in a relationship with me.
It's a bit long so I won't post it but I think I'm going to email him and tell him that I would consider a relationship again if he does a few things before we try again: goes to individual therapy for at least six sessions with the same therapist, agrees to take it slow and do whatever I ask to make me feel safe again, and apologize to my family. We had serious codependency issues and he had an abusive family growing up so I want to make sure he is getting help and is a whole person before he comes back to me.
Some of my stipulations include things like safe words and signals, what I consider abusive and will not put up with even once, etc. I forgot to mention this too but he has stopped drinking (although he was still abusive to me when he was sober this made it worse) and he no longer blames his abuse of me on the alcohol.
I don't know how he's going to react to this, he could turn around and say no to the therapy and that is a must for me but if he does say yes and I want to start talking to him again, although I refuse to enter into a relationship until I see tangible evidence that he has changed. I figured I would tell him that he should either wait on the trip and see if we can work something out on my timeframe or he could go and keep in contact with me until I make a decision. f he went and still wanted me he'd have to get a therapist who could do therapy with him over skype or something. Either way.
Do you think I'm making a mistake? How do I know if he's really changing even if he does do the therapy?

[adam_k]

If you take him back you should set some ground rules. That he has to stop the abuse or you will leave and never talk to him again. A lot of abusive people will play nice and try to get you back in their life and say whatever they have to so you will believe they are different. Then when they get stressed or have problems you become their emotional punching bag or physical. Eventually you will lose all of your self esteem and feel like you deserve what he does.

You are better than that. No one deserves to be verbally and physically abused. If he cant get that he doesn't deserve you one bit.

The only way he is changing is if he never abuses you again. That should be your rule and have him agree if he wants you. That one more incident and things are over for good. If you keep tolerating his abuse and getting back with him, he will learn nothing and keep doing it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bodiesneverfound

his stepfather sexually assaulted me and I did not tell him out of fear and shame but he viewed this as me being dishonest and thought it was on the level of cheating

MAKE TRIPLE SURE that he understands exactly why he was wrong and apologizes for and shows genuine empathy for this isolated incident, because he was wrong on many levels. Please call this out.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by adam_k

If you take him back you should set some ground rules. That he has to stop the abuse or you will leave and never talk to him again. A lot of abusive people will play nice and try to get you back in their life and say whatever they have to so you will believe they are different. Then when they get stressed or have problems you become their emotional punching bag or physical. Eventually you will lose all of your self esteem and feel like you deserve what he does.

You are better than that. No one deserves to be verbally and physically abused. If he cant get that he doesn't deserve you one bit.

The only way he is changing is if he never abuses you again. That should be your rule and have him agree if he wants you. That one more incident and things are over for good. If you keep tolerating his abuse and getting back with him, he will learn nothing and keep doing it.

I am definitely making that clear in my next email to him. I am spelling out in black and white terms what constitutes abuse both verbal and physical and I am telling him that one slip up no matter how insignificant will cause me to leave and I will be out of his life forever. I'm going to take everything really slow too, as in we start off talking on the phone, move up to meeting in public (he doesn't have a car so he can't follow me home and he doesn't know where I live), etc. I'm going to trust my intuition on this and if I see any red flags the whole deal is off. I can't take my chances.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

MAKE TRIPLE SURE that he understands exactly why he was wrong and apologizes for and shows genuine empathy for this isolated incident, because he was wrong on many levels. Please call this out.

What he said in the email was a good start but I'm going to have to talk to him and make damn sure he knows why he was wrong and shows empathy for me about it. If he can't do that then I won't continue to talk to him. Ever.

In my life I've experienced two very abusive marriages. I too set out rules to follow & they were followed during what they call the honeymoon stage. This is when they do & say whatever you ask just to get back into your life. In my opinion I don't think you should take this guy back until he's spent at least a year in intense therapy for all of his issues. Life is too short to waste on someone who hurts you. If he really, really loved you he would never hurt you. Love is not suppose to hurt! It sounds like this guy needs serious help. He needs to learn to love himself before he could even begin to love you the way you deserve.