Help NEEDED with 5 year old Boy

OK - since I have never had to deal with this type of thing I am asking for the help from other people that have.... maybe DocJohn can post on this one?

As many of you know on here I am helping my niece out by watching her kids for her while she works, for her man and father of her three kids, left them for another woman in another state.
NOW - here is the question....
What do you tell a five year old, the oldest of three kids, when he ask "Why did daddy leave - leave Me" - I believe in being honest with kids when they ask some thing, but I also know that we must do it with in the age limit of the child, as to not wound any more than they already are.

My niece and I are trying to come with something together.... to tell him, other than "I don't know" and "Mommy loves you" - for they have been done, and really do not know how he (the father) truly feels toward this particular child - his least favorite of the three (sad).


Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Rhap, Maybe something to the affect of, 'Daddy and Mommy aren't going to be together anymore. Daddy still loves you, but Daddy needs or wanted to be with (her name - Has the child met her?) right now.'....

Or something along those lines. I would hate to think that these children will somehow feel unloved by their father. Also, point out to them, that Daddy's and Mommy's don't always stay together but Daddy's and Mommy's will always love their kids'.

I don't know if the guy misses them or not. If not, I wouldn't have the heart to tell a young child that. Maybe I would say something like, right now Daddy is confused. I sure he misses you whole bunches but, for now, Daddy needs to find himself. .

??? I may be way off, just throwing something out there.

If this was me I would let the mother of the child know the question has come up and ask her how she wants to handle it. because this type of conversation should be between the mother and the child.

As for how to get on their level - listen to how he talks and use that same vocabulary - words. he will understand.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
myself said:
If this was me I would let the mother of the child know the question has come up and ask her how she wants to handle it. because this type of conversation should be between the mother and the child.

As for how to get on their level - listen to how he talks and use that same vocabulary - words. he will understand.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The niece is his mother.......

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
My niece and I are trying to come with something together.... to tell him, other than "I don't know" and "Mommy loves you" - for they have been done, and really do not know how he (the father) truly feels toward this particular child - his least favorite of the three (sad).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

AND - not so much how to get to his level, for that I can do..... I am the mother of three, but rather what to say and what not to say, for we do not wish to create any further wounds in him, but we want to be honest - per his age..... 5 yrs old.


Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
frozen72 said:
I don't know if the guy misses them or not. If not, I wouldn't have the heart to tell a young child that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Sadly we are not for sure if he even cares for this child (the fist born), for when he left he said he would take one of the kids if it would make life easier..... then he went on to say but I will not take _______(child's name), so sad.

It IS sad, Rhap. I started to respond here earlier, but couldn't think of anything helpful, plus, I wanted to cry when thinking of the little fella, just 5 years old.
I would cuddle him lots.
Love
Patty

I agree with Seeker. Cuddles are good.

LOL I saw it in the original post and it just went on by.

when my child was three he asked if he had a daddy. his friends daddys lived with them. and he wanted to know where his daddy was.

I was not about to tell him his dad was doing time for rape.

I showed him a picture of his daddy and told him he has a daddy but his daddy lived back in the state we used to live in. which is an air plane ride away. then I diverted his attention from asking for more details by telling him he could keep the picture after we went to the store and made a new picture so we would have one in his special letters and card box and one he can hold on to.

that satified him until he was 4. at which time he came to me and said since Daddy is an airplane ride away can we call him and talk to him on the phone?

I told him sure but I needed some time to find the phone number. For the next two days I followed my ex's moves from prison facility to prison facility by using the prison addresses on his letters to me over the years until I located him. then while my son was in school I called the prison and authorized a collect call from him to me. and talked to him and explained our son wanted to talk to him. And told him as long as he kept the conversations light and not on prison conflicts or our problems from when him and I were together I would accept collect calls from him every saturday for half hour phone calls. (later that got changed to every other weekend because of rate increases in my bills) then my childs father and I decided together how to tell our child the truth without giving him the full reality of danger and so on involved.

Then I sat down with my son and told him where exactly his daddy was by saying - You know how you have rules like wash your hands before eating dinner, and staying on this side of the appartment complex by not going through the fence walk way? He said yes. Then I said well grown ups have ruiles too that they have to follow. What happens to you when you break a rule? he said time out. I said yes and grownups have time outs too only lots longer. I set your time outs because Im your mom. The police set the grown up time outs. you have to do your time outs in a chair. Grown ups have to do their time outs in jail. your daddy is in jail. he looked at me and said oh ok can we call him now? and I told him I talked to his daddy and he will call you on saturday.

From then on son and dad talked on the phone and sent letters. (for the letters I always opened them first and then read them to my son that way I could edit in the telling that information that was not appropiate for his dad to tell him like getting into prison fights and tell mommy Im sorry for bla bla bla crap. after I read the letters my son and I went into my room and put the letters in his letters and cards box so he would always have the letters)

maybe some of this can help you -

Mom and Dad need to sit down and talk about the situation if possible so that they are on the same page. especially if the child is going to have contact with the dad.

give the child a picture of the dad so the child has something tangible to hold on to and talk to if he wants.

Make arrangements for the child to call the dad if possible so they don't have so much homesickness and emotions about the issue. There is going to be some but this might diffuse some of it,

Get dads address so that he can write to his dad.

basically since the dad isn't home make all kinds of opportunities for contact if possible so that the childs feels less abandoned and left out of dads life.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
myself said:
maybe some of this can help you -

Mom and Dad need to sit down and talk about the situation if possible so that they are on the same page. especially if the child is going to have contact with the dad.

give the child a picture of the dad so the child has something tangible to hold on to and talk to if he wants.

Make arrangements for the child to call the dad if possible so they don't have so much homesickness and emotions about the issue. There is going to be some but this might diffuse some of it,

Get dads address so that he can write to his dad.

basically since the dad isn't home make all kinds of opportunities for contact if possible so that the childs feels less abandoned and left out of dads life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks Myself....... some of that will and can be used.... but sadly enough right now this man (if you can call him that) does not care one way or the other about this little 5 year old boy that NEEDS him so.... and the other two are still young (9mths & 1.5 yrs) so maybe they will be spare some of the pain.... for now.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.

KimmyDawn I would like to have your input on this one..... with you having to be raising your own "little man" - that of which the 5 year old boy was called when he was younger.

While I agree that mama should "deal" with most of this talk, he's asking you right now because you're available and he feels safe enough with you to do so. Thinking that, I would honestly answer at the best of my capability...age appropriate.

I've had a couple of TOUGH questions from my little man, and I expect several more...

I would answer ONLY what he asks. If he doesn't ask more, he's probably not capable of understanding "all the rest" an adult might throw at him...confusing him more possibly.

I doubt he feels alot of guilt at his age, but more an abandonment and sense of confusion. That's just my take with experience and thinking of little man. Considering that, I would concentrate on his being loved and protected...no matter who's in his life. For instance I might say, "You know what, honey, I'm big and I don't understand alot of things people do sometimes, but one thing I DO know is that daddy loves you, mama loves you and I love you (also throw in brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, friends, grandparents...heck even teachers...the larger the list, the better). I know it's hard, but if you ever want to hear about how much you're loved, you just ask." Then I would go into a sweet story like the day he was born, etc. While it might not answer all of his little questions, it will doing AMAZING things for the feelings associated there...which we all know can get HUGE.

I wish the little thing some peace and lots of happiness!

KD

Thanks Kimmy....

I liked what you had to say very much, and while his mom and I are having a hard with telling him "That Daddy Loves Him" - for we are not sure the statement is true.... per things this man has said and done and well, we don't want to lie to this innocent little boy by telling him something that is not true and then he gets hurt later on (and) angry at his mom for lying.

How would you handle that part? - the "Daddy Loves You" part.... not knowing if the statement is true or not.

BTW - I know this feeling all to well, for my daddy left the family (for a younger woman) when I was just one year old and then he left ME for good when I was about 5 or 6.

Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

How sad, that would be very difficult to explain. I guess the truth is what needs to be told, yet not to badger the father (although he probably deserves it), just try to help him understand without him feeling he had anything to do with it, and that nobody had control over what had happened. Good luck, and I hope he accepts this well.

rhaps,

neither you nor your niece can speak for the dad. Just tell him that, and when you do say that, say well, I know someone who does love you very much-ME!! If neither of you have the answers to his questions, tell him you don't. Making up answers, or projecting emotions of another won't work. In the long run the child suffers.

My ex left us when my daughter was younger. She had many of the same questions. Mostly my answers were I don't know why some people do the things they do, but I do know one thing, I love you more than anything in this world, and that won't change. It hasn't.

I think sometimes at that age children just need reassurance, cause wandering around in their minds they might wonder if the other parent will abandon them as well. You can only reassure your love for him, his mother's and the other children and whomever else shows him love.

It's so sad what adults do to children...just so sad.
Hugs, Lisa.

Yep, what she said

KD

when my son was 3 and 4, his father consistently broke promises to come and pick him up for the weekend. Each time, My little boy would cry and say "daddy doesn't, love me" and I would say to him..

" yes, he loves you as much as he knows how to and right now daddy is having alot of problems that makes it hard for him to show it."

This answer helped him as he faced alot of disappointment over the years.I used to tell him that daddy was had so much to worry about that he couldn't think about the people around him. Of course, this was more like when he was 5 and 6.

The circumstances for him were different though, in that his father was an alcoholic not totally absent. When he got older, he began to realize things for himself and form his own opinions on it.

It sounds to me like this little boy has a loving support system , and that will hold him up as he goes through his life with a father like the one he has.

I wish you the best...

How's it going so far???

Hi Rhap,
I am the "other woman" in this kind of relationship & I believe it is so important to be honest with the children.
I'm my situation, my partner & I are always totally upfront & honest with his 2 children. His son was 5 when he first left his wife (before I met him) & his son didn't understand why Daddy had left, his mother told him it was coz daddy didn't love them anymore, which is the biggest BS I ever heard & she was angry at him for leaving them & thought it would be the best way to hurt him.
When we started having his children, we talked about this with him & after 5 years we still tell him that even though mum & dad don't love each other or live together, they will always be friends & they both love him very, very much!!
If you dont be honest with your children, it is them who end up being hurt or damaged by what has happened.
I hope I have helped.
Flinty

i can relate to this on 2 levels, 1 i was abandoned by my mother has a baby and i have a 8 year old son who has asked the same questions of me when i divorced his mom.

i was lied to my entire junior life about my birth mother by my father and that made me resent the people around me to the extent that i talk to noone in the "family" and has such i trust noone now, after my father died i found letters addressed to me from her, so who do i blame now? him for lying and holding back the letters or her for not continuing to send them?

in regards to the little man, explain to him in language that he will understand that his dad left his mom and not him, so he wont see as much of him has he used to, but he his still thinking of him, even if it is a small lie, if you can, arrange for a postcard to be sent to your house from the state that his dad lives in with a short message for the little man, if anything it will make the little man feel less abandoned/rejected by his father and it keeps a window open if his father does change his mind and decide to contact his children.

Thanks to everyone that has taken of your own precious time to help another try to save an innocent child for any further wounds.... he will make it for he has many others that love him dearly and that are here for him, every step of the way.
... He will not be another statistic.

The little guy was so happy yesterday when I picked him from school and took him with me to my house.... he loves to be able to play video games with his cousins (my two boys) - and he often looks to my husband as a father figure - someone to hang with and to say YOU DID WELL.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

It could be a good time to find a big brother who would be willing to spend time with your son. Someone who would teach him about things boys like. My son lives with my daughter and me, which leaves him outnumbered. We love to watch girlly movies, shop, etc.. I try to make specific plans with him to do guy things. It is hard on me because I hate cars, electronics, etc. But I have made ways to make it fun for both of us. My son does see his dad but the truth is many boys find themselves lonely even in families with two parents. Fathers are not ususally as comfortable with kids and find themselves busy working more. However, I did coach my sons soccer team two years but after that it embarrassed him so a big brother might be better. It may just stop the questions if he is busy with someone else.

My niece is a single mother as well whose boyfriend walked out on them. He has come around a few times but isn't very responcible with her son so she tends to be glad when he doesn't come around. Her son is constantly praise by everyone about how smart and funny he is. He seems to feel good about those who are there for hiim.

It is funny I read this today because my son was having a moment last night when my daughter was stealing the show with her school pictures. I told him tonight will be our night she will be gone and we are going to BBQ out. He likes to eat steaks like real men do. Which I don't mind, but my daughter does, so it makes it a special treat we do together.

i like the idea of a semi outsider explainig the situation to the kids because it tends to be less biased. Being honset is crucial, but there is a reason why kids need to believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Don't expect a 5 year old to have the emotional immaturity to understand the truth of divorce. This will force you to be creative in explainig to him the how and why. I don't know the answer of how to do it. I know that he won't belive that his father still loves him if his father doesn't show it, there's nothing you can do about that. You can say it all you want but children are born with a ******** detector and he will need to hear it from hes own father. If that is impossible at the time he will need to find a new father figure to reassure him that he is loved and wanted. This doesn't have to be someone who has a relationship with his mother, it can be anyone, an uncle, a priest a family friend etc. In time as he gets more mature he will be able to understand it better, but sadly by then the damage will be done. This is the problem with divorce... children don't understand it and because childern are the centre of their own worlds they take everything personally.

I don't really know of any helpful books addressing that specific topic, but James Dobson has written quite a few books on raising boys and family matters and he is an excellent writer.

I hope you can find a way to relate to him and help him... even if you don't have the answers, you sound like someone who are wise enough to think of something!

Tanya

Say because he made a stupid mistake to leave such a sweet little boy and wonderful Mother!