[elvinchild]

My ex cheated on me, the guy I'm dating now lied to me for 6 months about drugs and is constantly omitting information or skirting around the truth. I love him and he has become more open, if not completely open with me, but I can't help feeling I will never feel as secure with him as I would with someone who isnt dishonest and never lied to me in the first place. Is it unrealistic to look for someone who will tell the truth? Is dishonesty bound to be a part of every relationship?

[Perna]

It is not unrealistic to look for someone who will tell the truth. I am honest as is my husband and I would not date someone I thought or found was not. I don't know what sort of information the guy you are dating is omitting or what "truth" he is skirting; relationships are all different like the people in them and sometimes there are what I would consider good reasons for omitting and skirting. I would discuss with your boyfriend why he omits or skirts as well as the type of stuff he omits or skirts. If it is about drugs, then he is probably not interested in not using them so you should put that in your equation of whether you are interested in staying with him but, if it is about who he talks to and you have jealousy issues, that could be different. I would try to identify the actual problem; lying/omitting/skirting is a defense, not usually a problem in itself.

[jadzea]

You are not unrealistic to look for someone who is honest with you. It may take you some time to find that person but do not compromise. If someone lies to you once or even omits some details of a situation to make it more acceptable you will never be able to trust them. How will you know when they are being honest? Do not accept people telling you lies and do not deal with them. You will spend too much energy protecting yourself.

[elvinchild]

Perna, initially he lied to me about about doing drugs for 6 months but as far as I know he doesnt do them nearly as often and when he does he usually tells me. Now he tends to avoid telling me smaller things; for example he was planning to quit his job, but he changed his mind because he really enjoyed the company of one of the girls there who he has a fairly flirtatious relationship and didn't tell me that of course. Another time he did hide the fact that he bought drugs. He gave me his facebook password and deleted an entire message thread with another girl. Things like that. It definitely is a two way street, and I can't seem to learn to trust him if he's constantly hiding these things because I figure there must be something bigger to hide, like an affair, addiction, or otherwise damaging behavior.

[yellowted]

there are some honest people out there, just they seem to be an endangered and declining species these days. you are less likely to find them in the bar looking for a pick up, often they are camouflaged as Jo public, going about their life not drawing attention to themselves which makes them more difficult to find, but patience and perseverence usually pay off.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by elvinchild

Perna, initially he lied to me about about doing drugs for 6 months but as far as I know he doesnt do them nearly as often and when he does he usually tells me. Now he tends to avoid telling me smaller things; for example he was planning to quit his job, but he changed his mind because he really enjoyed the company of one of the girls there who he has a fairly flirtatious relationship and didn't tell me that of course. Another time he did hide the fact that he bought drugs. He gave me his facebook password and deleted an entire message thread with another girl. Things like that. It definitely is a two way street, and I can't seem to learn to trust him if he's constantly hiding these things because I figure there must be something bigger to hide, like an affair, addiction, or otherwise damaging behavior.

The things you are counting here are enough to end the relationship.
Do so, in my humble opinion. I've been there, done that, and there is no improvement. Just let him go...please!

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by elvinchild

Re: Is anybody trustworthy?

Most people lie to themselves even. There may be a few exceptions out there, but so far I haven't met anyone who is perfect.

It sounds like you aren't attracted to honest partners. Does that seem like an honest statement or would you just call it blunt and insensitive?

And where do you draw the line between privacy and dishonesty?

[hamster-bamster]

Why do you need his Facebook password? It is probably against Facebook's terms of service even for him to give you the password (not that he would lose his account if they find out but still - why?)

[elvinchild]

I admit when it comes to privacy I tend to err on the side of being too open, and desire that same level of openness from a partner. But i think I tend to share more than most people would.

I don't intentionally get involved with dishonest people, though in my last two relationships that seems to be the case. Actually I started dating this guy because he had me so convinced he was a person of honest integrity. I mistook his tendency to withhold as shyness and was completely shocked when I started to find out that he put up a bit of a facade.

he eventually offered to give me his facebook password so he could prove he was honest with me, but since he deleted conversations and I found out, that kind of backfired for him.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you should stick to Facebook's TOS (Terms of Service) in all your relationships, both in terms of not giving your password to others and obtaining other people's passwords:

You will not share your password (or in the case of developers, your secret key), let anyone else access your account, or do anything else that might jeopardize the security of your account.

It makes sense because it was really really weird of him to try this approach of giving you his password to prove his honesty since you should not be viewing his private content in the first place, for any reason.

So, still very weird.

It is not unreasonable to expect honesty in a relationship. It is also reasonable to expect that if we spill our guts to someone we don't know very well, some will take advantage of that vulnerability and abuse it. Or use it to their advantage thinking we are just (too) trusting so they can do whatever they want. Which sounds like the case here. Even with some backpeddling

I would encourage you to take stock of what you are looking for in a relationship, must-haves. And do NOT compromise on those.

It is clear that you would like to be with someone that is trustworthy yet you are sending the message that you are willing to bend.

That is not healthy for you. You send a message that you do not have boundaries and that is a recipe for a big mess and lots of (unnecessary) drama.

Please be good to yourself and respect yourself. It is ok to have boundaries. There are plenty of wonderful, decent people out there.