[fortytwo]

I posted here a few weeks ago after finally breaking free from my parents and all was going well.
We hadn't had contact and it was going great, until a week after this happened I got laid off (really screwed over by my employer) and I handled that really well, didn't contact them.
But that night I got engaged and called them to share the wonderful news. Needless to say I got an icy reception before any hint of joy.
The problem is that now I seem to be dragged back into the family drama again, not only being bullied into visiting them (I pray I get a job before that), but if I'm home going to a lecture by a very conservative speaker (I'm very not conservative).
HELP!!! I can't seem to get the hang of this breaking free of them. How the hell do I do this?

[hamster-bamster]

Can you go home and stay home whilst others attend the lecture?

Meaning - can you strike some sort of a compromise?

[fortytwo]

I really wish I could, but my mom is playing games again. My dad said he didn't care one way or the other (but he's hard to read), and my mom is stirring up the drama and saying that I have to go. My mom is Borderline PD and so stirring up drama is par for the course.
I just wish that I could divorce myself from the emotional drama that always goes on and just have a calm relationship with them. I've been wishing that since I was a child and have finally made peace with the fact that that type of relationship is just not possible.
I've made the peace part, but I can't figure out where to go from there and so I am stuck in a new cycle of violently pushing away and then being drawn back in.
It exhausts me. I don't want to not have a relationship with them, but it seems to be the only way I can get any peace (my mom's BPD means that I can only have complete involvement or no contact at all).
I feel screwed.

[hamster-bamster]

I think that you should not go unless you can assert your right to decide how you spend your time on your visit - in other words, if you can assert your right NOT to go the lecture and just stick to your guns.

You can even say to your mom outright that you expect her to just be happy to see you, without directing your actions, and if she cannot be happy just to see you, then she won't see you. It is reasonable.