Abandonment Issues

Hi, I am from the UK and am looking for advice on my relationship with a man I love so very much but has some deep seated issues with other problems.

I met the man I live with almost 3 years ago. During our time together he has had some very explosive rants at me and at times I feel that I am walking on egg shells. This is not all of the time and I have finally discovered the effect that long term prednisone use can have on mood swings and rages. He was diagnosed with ocular myasthenia gravis eight years ago and is on continuous steroids which are increased should he relapse.

However, to make matters worse, he has serious abandonment issues. I am not surprised as when he was 17 his father died at 54. His father, and my partner, knew that his wife/mother was having an affair with the man that she worked for. Not long after his father died the other man moved into the family home and not long after announced to my partner that they were selling the house and he had to move out.

Still so young, he had to move into an old flat which was really run down, whilst his mother moved into a large millionaires home.

My partner was in a relationship with his childhood sweetheart, who he went on to move in with and they had two children. They did not marry and 17 years into the relationship she had an affair with an Australian, married him after 6 months, and won the right to take their two boys, aged 6 and 11 to Australia. A year later the relationship was over and to save face she waited 6 years to return to the UK, where she tried to reconcile with my partner, stating she would never take his children away again. He would not reconcile yet supported her with a home and financially. Two years later, she rekindled a romance with another Australian and took his children away again. They are still there after 16 years.

He then, a few years later , became involved in a relationship with a married woman who promised to leave her husband.....after two years she chose her millionaire husbands money and became pregnant with her husbands child whilst seeing my partner. 6 months later her was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis.

When I met him I cried at the story. I could not even begin to imagine my children being taken away from me. I was surprised at how bitter he was about his boys but he said they had a choice to stay with their dad. I was concerned so paid for him and I to go and spend time with his sons and this healed many problems.

I totally understand his abandonment issues but I have fought so hard to prove I am going nowhere. I love him so very much and have never looked at another man since we have been together.

Recently I have started a new job as an EMT which involves working shifts with sometimes other men. He is a firefighter who is due to retire next year but has moved to another firestation for 8 months. He has constantly thrown the only firewoman on his watch in my face, like they are joined at the hip, and has become distant from me. I really dont think that there is anything sinister going on as he has spoken to me about her before and she is not his type. He also introduced her to me 6 weeks ago at a retirement party as his partner.

He has become distant and snappy but he had a relapse of his MG 5 weeks ago and has increased his steroids which makes him moody. During the week, his otherwise non involved mother asked me if the man I had been working with was a family man and settled. Strange question to me at the time but now think that I understand the relevance.

Yesterday I brought up in conversation that I was working with a woman for the whole weekend. His face seemed to lift immediately and he became a little more jovial and more pleasant to be with.

He has other stresses going on too. Not major for most people but he takes things so seriously.

I have to stay calm and bite my tongue when he snaps as I know that his steroids make him so irritable and nasty. On top of me getting a new job this must be so traumatic for him. I'm finding it so stressful though as I truly love him but the throwing the other woman in my face and he works with her 4 days a week is awful.

I want to help him so much but don't know how xx

Hello Blue Angel,
I have no advice only to say that i hope things get better for you. Maybe he needs to look at himself and understand where the jealousy is coming from.
Talking and therapy are two good choices if you are both committed to making the relationship work.
Sans

Help him with... what?

He has lived a life just as everybody else has, with ups and downs. Nothing that he has gone through, in terms of life facts, justifies his jealousy, so you should not bend over backwards trying to make excuses for him. that, on the strength of the facts alone. There might be a medical reason for his moodiness (I am not familiar with his illness), but the facts of his life do nothing to justify his jealousy. By using the term "abandonment issues" instead of "jealousy", you made him into a victim and yourself a caretaker - do not do that!

going thru relationship issues, abandonment, trust probs, on both sides. Maybe more on mine. He is the one who's threatened to leave. Struggling a lot right now. Can relate w those others who are, even when circumstances are different. But trying to make things work out, to be cheerful, to fix what I can, to have some faith. Beats despair, fear and pain!