[ellymaylu]

So here I sit trying to figure out how to be more open and vulnerable. I have a quick temper and I am fast to to be defensive and make excuses as well. This has led me to a place were my marriage has all but fallen apart. I am not giving up.
I would however like some advise on how to let myself be ok with being imperfect, that is ok to make mistakes.
Also I am wandering how all of you shut down the defensiveness so you can hear what your partners feeling are with out making them feel invalidated.
I am trying to figure myself out so I can make these changes.
How do I not feel bad and like I have to head off what ever he is going to say? How do I shut up and really listen to what he is saying? I am unsure of where I am going wrong.

[kaliope]

from what you describe, it sounds like you are constantly on defense so arent really listening to what your partner is saying. if you try reflective listening you might get to where you want to be. its basically listening to repeat back what was said to you. your partner says " you never listen to me"....you dont defend back "yes i do"...you say " i hear you saying i never listen to you". this gives your partner the message that you are truly listening. you could put reflection of feeling in there too to make it more meaningful by adding "that must be really frustrating for you" or whatever feeling you are picking up from your partner. this will spur conversation about your partners feelings. use I statements to express your own message...I feel_____ when____because______and what i would like is_______make sure to use a feeling word in there after feel and try not to say when you or you will be blaming. talk about a specific situation. these are just basic communication skills. try them out. good luck.