[Hopeful Camel]

I am in a committed relationship with a woman. We have been involved since last January, and she has lived with me since a year ago. She was only working part time then, and taking one class in school. In February of this year she quit her job, and since then I have been supporting her. I have told her repeatedly that I cannot handle the stress of being the sole bread winner [I have PTSD, no health insurance, and am barely functioning as it is....]. She has not even had a job interview and rarely looks for work. I put my foot down and told her she needed to take on half of the household responsibilities. She usually lapses in doing these things and then I pick up the slack....feeling like a martyr again. I hate that in myself!! I have tried to break up with her numerous times, but she refuses to leave the house we rent, and I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I have given her ultimatums [get a job in 60 days or else....?] but the time comes and goes. Oh, when she was working part time, all of her income went to pay for her schooling.

I do love her, but I also feel used. She does laundry, but I have told her I didn't sign up for a housewife. I wanted a partner. Today, yet again, we have come to fussing with each other because she isn't doing her 1/2 of the household stuff, and she still does not have ANY income.

My Therapist says I'm in an addictive relationship that is re-traumatizing me. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot support us both, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to support her. If she was independent of me financially, I might not be in this relationship.

I feel really stupid, sad, and depressed.
Camel

[hamster-bamster]

I knew somebody to whom this sort of arrangement cost $$$.

The woman would not move out; he had to move in with his parents and give her a formal vacate the premises note; she did not vacate the premises but instead called the police alleging domestic abuse. He won both cases (the civil case to evict her and the criminal case), but it was an emotional roller coaster for him for many months and cost him thousands of dollars.

So it is time to stop feeling stupid, sad, and depressed, and start thinking about how you would avoid a mess. Maybe you need a written agreement with her. The situation calls for legal advice more so than for T advice.

[Hopeful Camel]

Ah, and what is so sad is that I *am* a lawyer.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Hopeful Camel

Ah, and what is so sad is that I *am* a lawyer.

That you passed the bar in all specialties does not make you an eviction (landlord-tenant) lawyer. You need a specialist.

I feel so bad for you Camel. I'm afraid it does sound like you are being taken advantage of. She is doing the least amount of chores, just enough to say she did something but not enough to say she is an equal partner. The longer you let this go on the harder it will be. If you rent, can you move out and find another place? Notify landlord of your departure and let her be on her own there. If you own your place, I guess you could change the locks but you would need to speak with a lawyer like Hamster said. This girl is obviously not leaving without a fight. Why should she if she can get away with it? Hey, I'd like to stay at home and watch TV too but never at someone else's expense. You'll feel better when you find the strength to make a move. Get a lawyer, get her out and date longer next time. Good luck.

[hamster-bamster]

Who is on the lease (or month-to-month rental agreement)? Is she on it or not?

[Hopeful Camel]

I'm sorry I troubled you all. My question was about my heart, not about the specifics of the Uniform Owner Resident Relations Act [yes, I am quite well aware of my legal rights and obligations regarding my rental]. I feel *emotionally* stuck. I can evict her. I can throw her out. I can do all sorts of ugly legal things. I am not someone who feels good about hurting someone else.
Again, my apologies.
C

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Hopeful Camel

I'm sorry I troubled you all. My question was about my heart, not about the specifics of the Uniform Owner Resident Relations Act [yes, I am quite well aware of my legal rights and obligations regarding my rental]. I feel *emotionally* stuck. I can evict her. I can throw her out. I can do all sorts of ugly legal things. I am not someone who feels good about hurting someone else.
Again, my apologies.
C

My point was that while you are there thinking about your emotions and talking to your T to no end, she will think up something to hurt you. If you evict her, you won't "hurt someone else" - you will simply assert your rights. Until you learn to assert your rights, you will be emotionally stuck forever.

[Bill3]

I am not someone who feels good about hurting someone else.

1. Doing the right thing often does not feel good.

2. Where did she live before she moved in with you?

3. Are you sure that evicting her will "hurt" her? How well is she doing right now?

[Janae]

I have been living for seven years with a man who took advantage of me financially. I paid the rent and utilities on my own for well over six years until his social security was granted. A few months later he decided it would be better for us to live apart. I'm all for it. It was impossible for me to get him to leave before, because he was bigger than me, stronger, scarier, emotionally and verbally abusive. I finally decided there was nothing I could do but wait it out. But you don't have to do that... and don't worry about what she'll do to survive. Once it is clear that she needs to support herself, she'll find a way even if it involves living in a homeless shelter for a few months. You are not responsible for her well-being. She is. Don't be co-dependent about this if the relationship is not making you happy.