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  #1  
Old Jun 28, 2013, 06:19 PM
Cjeomie Cjeomie is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 6
I’m living in a hell where I’m judged by every move I make. The only salvation I have at this point is my room.

My girlfriend left me for a few reasons, the main one being the way my parents interact with me, or rather the way i interact with my parents. I miss her so much, but I understand her decision. Me loving her means her happiness is of utmost importance.

But still, I want to hold my girlfriend and be around her positivity without having to dread the way my parents react to me not being around, or that I’m making changes in my life they don’t like.

I am sick of being belittled by them, I’m sick of them holding money over my head. I’ve been very fortunate to have had a lot of things paid for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful, but in emotionally I’ve been independent of them for years.

People tell me “They’re your parents, you should love them, look at how much they’ve done for you". I’m sick of hearing it. I’m called an idiot and stupid all the time, especially “what’s wrong with you?", when I have one small mental lapse. I am not a ****ing perfect person, I’d like to be forgiven for the small things I do wrong in life. I forgive others for their small mistakes.

They say I’m selfish when I stand up for myself, when I say “I can’t spend time with you because I feel constantly judged and patronized by you". They’re upset, but so am I. I need my own mental peace, Or else I lash out at them when they scream at me, and no one wants that.

I want to move out more than ever. I don’t have the money right now to do so, but when I do I want out, and I want financial independence. When I’m far enough away, I can make the decision whether to make them a part of my life. Maybe if I leave they will leave me alone and stop judging me, then I can have some peace to live my life, be with who I love and be happy.

I happen to like who I am. I am a kind, smart, and compassionate person. My confidence is growing, and when it gets there, hopefully their shortcomings in life projected onto me won’t pass my confidence barrier. I would be able to speak to them in a forgiving but firm way without feeling bitter and resentful. I want that; i want to be a person full of love that doesn’t let nonsense like that shake who I am. I’m starting to feel it.

I'm having a hard time not resenting my parents for my girlfriend leaving me She still supports me but she says she only can as a friend right now, but I still miss seeing her. Being at her house was so peaceful, her family is so warm and wonderful (Not to say thats the only reason I'm sad, but It just makes me feel more alone). I have no siblings and I feel tremendously alone right now. Anything would help, thanks.

I am 20 and back from university, going into 3rd year in fall.
Hugs from:
Seshat

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  #2  
Old Jun 28, 2013, 06:35 PM
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cjeomie View Post
I am sick of being belittled by them,

People tell me “They’re your parents, you should love them, look at how much they’ve done for you".

I’m sick of hearing it. I’m called an idiot and stupid all the time, especially “what’s wrong with you?",

They say I’m selfish when I stand up for myself, when I say “I can’t spend time with you because I feel constantly judged and patronized by you".

I happen to like who I am. I am a kind, smart, and compassionate person

I'm having a hard time not resenting my parents for my girlfriend leaving me

I have no siblings and I feel tremendously alone right now. Anything would help, thanks.

I am 20 and back from university, going into 3rd year in fall.
There's nothing wrong with going through the process of starting to see your parents as people and less as authoritative influences. Getting angry with them, for some reason, seems to be a natural occurrence to overcoming parents that may have exerted a little more control than is typical of other families.

Nothing like others using guilt/shame techniques(i.e., they are you parents you 'should' love them, just look at 'how much they have done for you.')

Do you have access to an on-campus counselor? Sometimes, you can bypass your parents insurance bills, in order to get on-campus counseling, so they don't have to know that you are seeking counseling, just in case, they are the type of parents that wouldn't 'approve' of counseling. ((hey, been there, done that))

Maybe, less talking to these people in your life, that are invalidating and being less than supportive, and more time talking about this in therapy??

Having no siblings to turn to, compounds everything, don't it?

Hugs from:
Cjeomie
Thanks for this!
Cjeomie
  #3  
Old Jun 28, 2013, 06:43 PM
Cjeomie Cjeomie is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
There's nothing wrong with going through the process of starting to see your parents as people and less as authoritative influences. Getting angry with them, for some reason, seems to be a natural occurrence to overcoming parents that may have exerted a little more control than is typical of other families.

Nothing like others using guilt/shame techniques(i.e., they are you parents you 'should' love them, just look at 'how much they have done for you.')

Do you have access to an on-campus counselor? Sometimes, you can bypass your parents insurance bills, in order to get on-campus counseling, so they don't have to know that you are seeking counseling, just in case, they are the type of parents that wouldn't 'approve' of counseling. ((hey, been there, done that))

Maybe, less talking to these people in your life, that are invalidating and being less than supportive, and more time talking about this in therapy??

Having no siblings to turn to, compounds everything, don't it?

thank you for your response, healingme4me.

I do have access to a counsellor on campus, but only during the year. I live at home for the summers. I called a helpline last night because I felt extremely hopeless and suicidal thoughts were popping into my head.

I want to speak to them less but they make me feel really terrible when I don't tell them what's going on. My mom will see me, asks me whats wrong, I'll say nothing and she freaks out. They will yell at me for not being around them.

I feel like I am actually starting to hate them. I try to be supportive of them but I can't give up my own need to be an individual person. I want them to see me as a mature adult that needs respect, but I can't change who they are.
  #4  
Old Jun 28, 2013, 06:52 PM
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kaliope kaliope is offline
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Try expressing your feelings a different way to your parents. You said they got upset when you said “I can’t spend time with you because I feel constantly judged and patronized by you". You used the words "I feel" but you didn't express any feelings, you passed a judgement upon them instead, about them judging and patronizing you. That is what upset them and blocked the communication. Using an I feel statement would have gone over better. I feel frustrated when I am patronized and judged because I am a smart compassionate human being capable of making my own decisions. What I would like is to spend time with other people who are supportive of me. This method doesn't place judgment on your parents. it is simply stating your feelings and your needs and making a request. I feel__________when______because_____what I would like is_______. it is a simple format for communication. be careful not to use the word you in the formula or you can be setting up blocks to communication and putting people on the defensive. good luck!
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kali's gallery http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...s-gallery.htmlDoes anyone mind listening/giving advice?


Thanks for this!
Cjeomie
  #5  
Old Jun 28, 2013, 07:42 PM
Cjeomie Cjeomie is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 6
Thanks, Kaliope, that's actually a good point. It's communicating with them properly that will make things easier. It's hard though, because I have a hunch that either way they will act defensive..
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