[CassieJ]

Hi There,
I'm hoping someone may be able to offer me some advice or opinion on my current predicament.
I'm 31 years old been with my partner for nearly 12 years, we have our own house together and up until a few years ago lived a happy normal life. I don't know why but things started to change and we stopped communicating with each other, being physical with one another and all the other things that couples should do, like going out together, spending time, even silly things like the grocery shopping.
Just over a year a go i met a man at work whom i was instantly attracted to, we get on really well and have all the same interests and hobbies. We were out on a work night and things just started from there. For the past 10 months i've been having a relationship with this other man, and we fell in love with one another.
obviously my partner of 12 years has noticed a decline in our relationship and we recently had a fight about it and i moved out of our home. We've been talking to one another and have started to get on really well again like we used to years ago.
I now am so confused as to what to do, I find myself in the awful position of having two men in love with me and wanting to be with me, but I don't know which way to go. I feel so lost and alone as I can't really speak to anyone about this, the only person I can talk to is the other man, who knows all about my long term partner and the confusion and pain I'm going through.
I love both of them dearly and really don't want all the upset, and pain that I'm causing two people who really don't deserve it. if I go back home I don't know if things will improve and we can get back what we once had, also I'll have to see the other man at work every day knowing i've broken his heart and lost my best friend.
But if I go with the other man, I lose my first love, my home and my history as such.
I'm trying to have a few days away without contacting either of them to give myself some time to really think what i want. But i'm finding it so hard to decide as i don't want to compare them against each other. I'm finding it so difficult as I don't want anyone to be hurt and upset, I know someone will be but i hate myself for being the cause of it all.
Thank you for reading.

[RoseBee]

First of all, it will never be the same as you have the knowledge of what else is out there and because you know you have cheated. Why did you disconnect from your partner in the first place? How have you and your partner changed since you got together so young? The twenties are an important part of finding out who you are and what fits, so to speak.

I hope you find some clarity in this situation, but realize it will NEVER be the same with your first partner.

Your new partner is with you knowing about your current relationship. Would you be okay knowing that about him, as he might do it again or leave you because he only dates women in relationships? He was there for you in a difficult time and you allowed him to comfort you in a way your partner used to. In essence, you replaced one with the other. Now that your first partner is "the way he used to be" you are ready to discard him.

One is love and one is infatuation. Which one?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by CassieJ

But i'm finding it so hard to decide as i don't want to compare them against each other. I'm finding it so difficult as I don't want anyone to be hurt and upset, I know someone will be but i hate myself for being the cause of it all.

I think you are intuiting your way into realizing that people should, in general, NOT be compared against each other but each appreciated for their uniqueness.

I think you should also stop being so hard on yourself for being the cause of it all, but instead relax a bit and just see it for what it is - a typical and rather banal love triangle with you as the main vertex. There is no crisis, nobody is dying, in pain, without shelter or food, so the situation is not THAT serious and your reaction to it is overstated. It is important not to overreact and retain some sense of humor. And clearly hating yourself is unproductive.

Since they know what is going on so it is not like you are deceiving somebody, I would just take your time to figure things out without giving yourself a deadline. They are able-bodied adult men; they are not little children or frail elderly. Able-bodied adult men should be expected to be capable of tolerating a little uncertainty for a little while. Or maybe you can go back to living with the original guy but also have a relationship with the guy from work from some to time? Does it really have to be an all or nothing approach? Maybe listen to your gut feeling that tells you that people should NOT be compared with one another? At least at times?

But at any rate, whichever way you decide, recognize the situation for what it is and do not overreact because no catastrophe has happened and there is no terrorist threat hanging over your head.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by CassieJ

I find myself in the awful position of having two men in love with me and wanting to be with me, but I don't know which way to go.

PS I am not sure what you meant by writing that your position is "awful".

"Awful" is a strong word.

What exactly is "awful"?

1) having two men in love with you
2) not knowing which way to go
3) both (1) and (2) above.

I personally find it ***really*** hard to see how (1) alone could be awful. Generally, it is considered a good thing when a man you like is in love with you and wants to be with you. Generally, in and of itself, it is not considered awful. To the extent that more of a good thing is better, in general, having two men in love with you and wanting to be with you, in and of itself, is even better or, at least, as good, but definitely not worse. So, clearly, the "awful" part must be coming from (2) or (3). Right?

[spondiferous]

The first thing I was thinking was, how do you (and possibly they) feel about keeping the relationship open? Polyamory works for a lot of people.
I appreciate the bind you're in. And I wish you all the best. Decisions are tough, just the feeling of having to let go of something that has been the source of pleasure and nourishment in your life even though you get to hold onto something that has been the same.
I have no advice. I can't tell you what to do. I just hope you are able to come to peace with this decision.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

The first thing I was thinking was, how do you (and possibly they) feel about keeping the relationship open? Polyamory works for a lot of people.

I agree. And while (I have been reading a bit on polyamorous email lists in the past month) a lot of people are into polyamory INTENTIONALLY and consciously - meaning, they first conceive of a certain notion and then acted on it - I am sure that in my cases people find themselves polyamorous ACCIDENTALLY via a chain of events such as the one in your case. And then, after they unintentionally find themselves, say, being loved by two men, they might decide that "well, what exactly is wrong with that?"

You see what I mean? It is not always "I first choose XYZ and then do things consistent with XYZ" but can also be "I have found myself in a situation in which XYZ makes perfect sense, so why don't I try practicing XYZ and see what comes out of it?"

[Odee]

I would definitely put farrr more effort into a committed, long term relationship rather than a new fling. After 12 years you know what your relationship with your partner is like and you know that you two can hit it off again -- as long as you talk to and spend time with each other. The man you have been seeing for 10 months? You have not had a taste of what being in a relationship with him is about. He can very well change drastically in a year, two, or 12.

I don't know if you are married, but 12 years is still a huge commitment. Fidelity should come first, IMHO. He has stayed this long with you, he obviously loves and doesn't want to lose you.