How to keep myself in my marriage

bo, your situation sounds so similar to the one I am in it's scary. Considering this, I don't really have much advice since I don't know what to do either. Divorce was never an option (in my head anyway) before, but it seems like the only one now, but I, for some reason, still want to hold on hope that maybe somehow things could improve. It is difficult to talk about commitment as this probably looks different for both yourself and your wife. It sounds to me like you are both still in it physically (by that I mean, both present living in the same house), but not mentally or emotionally. It is easy to say fall in love with her again, but it's not that simple. It's not a switch that you just turn on and off, and, even if you can think about the past good times you have had with her, it is impossible to just overlook and ignore the present situation you both find yourself in.
Does your wife think that there are marital issues that need to be worked on? Is she willing to sit down and talk civilly? My husband is extremely defensive (and, let's be honest, I am too). I have found that then I talk in a certain way, it is better received. Things like, "I wanted to talk to you openly about concerns you may have with the marriage." and then, listen to her answers without defending or putting your guard up. Responses like, "I am hearing you say that...is that what you are saying." "Can you give me examples of what you mean?" "I am sorry, that was not my intention, but I see now how it may have been interpreted as that." "What can I do differently in the future?" And then, also share concerns that you have, but in a certain, non-attacking way. "I am concerned about..." "When you do/say things like...I feel..." "Maybe I am misinterpreting..., so please help me understand what you are really trying to say." "In the future, it would be helpful if you..." Etc. I don't know if this would be helpful or not, but when I approach my husband, I have found that this works better...it doesn't necessarily change the living/marriage situation, but at least it opens communication up a little.
I am sorry you find yourself in this mess, it is awful I understand. I think you are extremely caring and brave for putting yourself out there on PC to really get advice. Bravo. (hugs)

I took this quotation of out context, so my reaction might be off; apologies.

What exactly do you want from her? Do you want her to rationalize her loving you? If so, why? Love is a very complex emotion, and not everybody who feels it can provide a list of bullet points explaining why they feel it. Also, to the extent that we all seem to be on a quest for Un-condition-al love, the fact that she loves you without being able to provide a list of bullet points is actually reassuring rather than alarming.

Again, apologies if I lost your point by taking this bit out of context.

ETA: that seems to be the problem:

she is not SHOWING her love for you (not necessarily verbally, and, given your example with the absence of gifts (and no, you do not to be materialistic to expect gifts - gifts do have a symbolic meaning as well, which transcends the word of material objects), you need non-verbal signs)... you miss signs of love and not rationalization of love.

Also... since there are no signs of love, maybe there is no love (?), and then there is nothing to rationalize.

Just a note on the thread's title...

..."How to keep myself in my marriage"...

...it does not sound hope inspiring, just going purely by the intentional usage of words...

...we use words for a reason, and not randomly...

...I am thinking of how it could have been worded differently...

..."how do I fix my marriage?"

..."how do I improve my marriage?"

..."how do I get back to having a good relationship with my wife?"

...you can think of many other ways of wording it more positively and with less of that very weird connotation of "forcing" yourself into the marriage that the thread's title you chose reveals...

Since I believe that your choice of words is informative rather than random (as is anybody else's) even if you rushed when posting, I think you might be headed for a divorce. There really is no point in having a marriage in which you have to "keep yourself"... almost as if against your free will...

If that is the case, it is better to separate amicably before whatever it is that has made it so difficult for you guys gets a chance to assume enormous proportions, leading to animosity, contention, and, ultimately, high cost adversarial divorce proceedings.

If you want to try working things out, deadlines and clear, measurable goals that Rose recommended earlier on the thread would be crucial. There should be some plan of action with milestones, and if they are not reached by the deadline you set together (or, with a neutral third party in the form of a couples therapist), then it is better to separate than to waste each other's lives.

hope things ok with you and glad you enjoyed my post. Sorry was slow getting back to you, have still been learning PC navigation. Hanging in there, myself!

I think this can be true, perhaps. Have similar situation. Also, sometimes there's very little rhyme or reason behind love, for sure!

How are you bowooden?????

If she had an affair once, she will look for another one. I think she needs diversity . Either you understand and accept her as she is, or you 2 separate, the sooner the better. There's no sense in trying to make it work if this implies somehow a forced effort. I don't think a person should sacrifice his/hers happiness for the sake of a marriage. It might seem selfish, but personal happiness is more important than a marriage. At least imo. Plus - once a marriage came to have issues, the "fixing" of it looks more like an illusion or a compromise to me. Some things just can not be fixed.

wish everyone well!