[Gale]

My husband and i have been together 17 years and he has not many friends, but spends too much time with his parents. I am not close to mine and don't understand. Maybe you could shed some light. I think it is the only problem and we are compadible otherwise. But I don't know why it infuriates me so much when he 'helps them'. I've gotten to the point when they swing by (and they do once or twice a week)I don't even say hi to them and go in the bed room My heart is racing and I'm filled with anger. I just want them to call first give me a heads up, respect my privacy, and they won't. They also don't get the hint when we do hang out with them and they would try to get us to be with them all day. Like 8am to 10pm. Now his dad is going through a nervous breakdown and screams, and I can't stand to be around the negativity so I've pulled back so much that I avoid seeing them all together.
Full story. It started when we were dating at 22 years old. He would see them ever other night and me every other. I felt like he had to chose between us. After years (age 35) finally got him to move out of his parents house. ya, so much for having kids. He would spend sat with them still and sunday with me. Ok. Then all heck broke lose. And it's been 1 problem after the other. From stuff they couldn,'t controll. Car accidents, health issues to drunk driving and such. They would wake him up in the middle of the night with a frantic phone call for help. His father kept him up for 48 hours straight to 'move his business from 1 building to another. Heavy lifting. His father said to me when i went to vistit cause i missed him 'he's mine now! He could't hire someone! I'm looking out for his health. Also out for my best interest too. Helping me around the house. It takes away from that.
It's like they are the kids. He would jump up and run to the rescue. I was affected by this. Traumatized. And now things are better, but I'm always waiting for that phonecall. How much time should he spend with them? How to I tame my rage. I've been taking walks, but I was cornered in their place the other day and let them have it. All that I had built up for years came out. oh oh.
Thankyou for any advice!

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I think I basically answered this question in your other thread, didn't I?

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have three choices. 1 find a way to deal with it. 2. make your husband choose between you or his parents. 3. you have to choose your husband the way he is or leaving. Perhaps some therapy to work with option 1 as a first choice to deal with the situation would be the best way to go. it wouldn't hurt your hubby to go to deal with his codependence either.

[AAAAA]

Wow, what a horrible predicament. I understand, I've lived through it but there are no easy answers. The first think I would do is some serious soul searching. Find out why you feel this way. What in your opinion would be an acceptable amount of time with his parents? Is that a realistic and logical number?

One the one hand he is your husband and he's built his own family with you. And if he's neglecting your household then it certainly needs to be addressed. One the other hand, he has one mother and one father. He could have a dozen wives in his life time.

I know it's not easy. Ideally you'd figure out a way at least tolerate the time you spend with them. But after 30 years, even the mention of my FILs name irritates me. We finally had to move out of the area. When the company my husband was working for announced it was going out of business my FIL insisted my husband come back and work for him. NO WAY, that meant being on call 24 hours a day, without even the benefit of being paid for the extra work. My FIL wouldn't even bother to call. He would walk into our house, into our bedroom at all hours of the day/night because of some emergency call. He needed help, wasn't willing to pay someone the after hours fees so hubby was his answer. It didn't matter that he woke up all four kids to do it. My husband would get up (even if he'd just gotten off of work) and go help his father and leave me with four crying children to top it off. So I do understand your frustration. BUT my husband's dedication to his family is one of the things that I find most attractive about him.

And as a parent I must say how much time is too much with your children? That number does not exist for me. I am grateful that my youngest son's wife understands this. While I understand that they must have their own life, life is short and there is never enough time.

Out of curiosity, what does your husband say about all of this?

[Jannaku]

It would irritate the crap out of me as well to have my in laws dropping by whenever they choose together with the obsessive relationship that he has with them. It's one thing being a good and caring child but another when the relationship overtakes your own. Obviously he is aware of how you feel so he needs to accommodate your feelings as well as you are just as important as his parents. It shouldn't become a me versus them scenario as this will only breed tension and affect your own personal relationship but he needs to be aware of how his behavior is upsetting you and compromise accordingly. Perhaps a therapist to act as a mediator would help so that you can reach a happy win/win situation might help. Whatever it is you need to address it rather than running to the bedroom each time they arrive and letting this stress you out. Good luck x