[aliciainwonderland]

I see my younger brother once a year or so. We bonded more during the illness and passing of our mother two years ago. He lives far away but came to visit our father, and I happened to be there. During a conversation I mentioned something that had happened during childhood. Not really a bad thing, but quirky, unusual. He began a diatribe about how every time he visits I have to bring up negative events from our childhood, that I feel we were abused emotionally and even physically, that I talk about it a lot with people outside the family, that I have a real problem because I have invented this supposed abuse and can't stop obsessing about it. I was stunned and just listened in shock. He left the next day. I was so confused that I talked to a former counselor of mine and she confirmed that his statement are not true, that I don't believe I was abused, that I don't obsess about it, that I generally felt I had a happy, loving home as a child. I had so much going on in my life, after talking to her I just put his statements away. Now we are three weeks away from his son's wedding, and I was invited (which surprised me after what he had said). I find I am anxious and worried about seeing him again, and also about his perception of me that way, and why he would have talked to me in that way when we aren't close, he doesn't really know me, we never talk or even email unless it's about our father's health issues. I've been writing down how I feel about it. My question is this: should I bring it up with him before the wedding? Or just go on as if it never happened?

[hamster-bamster]

You should list your thoughts and review your draft with your therapist. then, after a discussion with the therapist, send to your brother. If you pretend it had not happened, you would only see more trouble in the future coming from him; plus, you will feel awkward during the wedding. Why feel awkward if you can help it?..

In your letter to your brother, just make statements. Do not invite him to discuss. Just say what you have to say and leave it at that. If he wants to discuss, he will need to initiate a discussion.

[Jannaku]

Hi there. The answer to your questions are - no don't bring it up before the wedding and yes just go on as if it never happened. You have said that you really do not have a relationship with your brother, that he doesn't know you, you never talk or even email so I would suggest keeping it that way since he obviously does not want to hear or acknowledge what you have to say. I am not sure of the age difference between you but it is possible that his memories are quite different to yours or he has chosen the denial approach in order to deal with it. Regardless of the reasons I think it would be wise not to go down that road with him as it will achieve nothing other than anger and frustrate you. All the best x

[AAAAA]

He doesn't sound very supportive. Perhaps he copes with the childhood you describe by pretending it didn't happen; and when you talk about things you bring it up front and center. Something that he clearly does not wish to face. I don't think that I would bring it up, why would you? What do you hope to gain? He's not going to validate your feelings, he may even hurt them more. Stick to bubble gum topics.