[gnat]

When my parents got divorced I overheard an argument where my Dad was saying he should not have to pay child support for me because I am not his daughter. --------- should have to pay it because he is my father. At first I brushed if off. My dad is a lying, manipulative, mean drunk. I figured he said it just to be an ***** because that would be typical behavior for him, even though he was sober at the time. (Those characteristics were present when he was sober, just not as amplified).

A year or so ago I confronted my mom and she at first denied it. I mentioned Dad had a specific name, and I wanted to know why. My mom then confessed. She said she and my Dad had broken up and she started dating another man. They fell in love and were happy until Dad showed up at a party where the two of them were. (Mom was near tears at this point). She said Dad chased this man off and brought her home with him and two weeks later she found out she was pregnant with me. My mom insisted I am Dad's daughter as she said she was good with using birth control with the other guy, but Dad didn't always let her. She apologized profusely and then said it didn't matter because the man she loved when Dad intervened has been dead for years.

I kept trying to tell myself the same thing- it didn't matter. My Dad raised me (even if he did a poor job) and blood-related or not, he is my father. The other guy has been dead for years so there's no Montel ending where he and I will be reunited. Heck, if he is my father, I don't even know that he knows about me. Besides, mom said she used birth control with the other guy and not deal.

Lately this idea of not knowing who my father is has been bothering me. The man I know as my father had a close brush with death a month ago and it made me realize that my parents are getting old. If mom dies, she will take the secret of who this other guy is to her grave. (In the 26 years since I overheard their conversation, I have forgotten the other guy's name). Mom also must have kept in contact with him in that she knows he is deceased, so she could give me an idea. In the age of the internet, I may be able to discover a little about him. Perhaps I have half siblings out there somewhere, or perhaps he is not my father at all.

At first I was hesitant to find out because i don't want my father to find out. I will need to talk to him or one of my half-siblings related through him to provide a DNA sample and I fear how they will react. I figured I could use the line of, "he died young and I need to know about any genetic predisposition to early death for my children or myself" as a way to prevent hurt feelings, but it's still a big deal.

I also considered pregnancy tests. Current pregnancy tests and detect a pregnancy as soon as 5 days after pregnancy. When i was pregnant with my 10 year old, you had to be about 2 weeks along for the test to come up positive. My mom learned about her pregnancy 39 years ago. How far along would have have had to be for the test to come up positive? Suddenly I feel like the man i know as my father is not my biological father and I want to know for sure, but I'm scared.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? What did you do? Thoughts?

[healingme4me]

Not quite a similar boat, but we are the same age. I don't think there were OTC pregnancy tests back in the mid 70's. If I recall, my OBGYN's office wouldn't take me, until I was what, 6-9 weeks 'late'? I forget, I remember knowing within a couple weeks with almost all three of them. But the OBGYN wouldn't take me in, so it could stand to reason that, it would be the same, back in the 70's.

I have a 'long lost cousin.' Must have been, my freshman year of college, my family, mom's side, had this surprise phone call. She was looking for my grandmother's younger sister. Gram has a brother and 2 sisters, only herself and her baby sister are living, at the moment, but at the time, her younger sister had passed on several years prior, due to liver damage due to alcoholism.

My family, always thought Gram's sister died never having had any children. Story goes, Gram's sister, used to work for a local woman, up in Maine who ran a summer vacation Inn, but also had a hotel down in Florida. This was back in the 60's. Apparently, after one summer, Grams' sister decided to stay the winter in Florida.

As so happened, she met a merchant marine. Got pregnant and put the child up for adoption.

Back in the mid 90's, we all met our cousin. She'd been raised by a wealthy loving family, but they supported her choice to find her biological family. And we all stay in contact, sometimes she travels to Maine for family reunions and it's been a blessing to have her in our lives. We stay connected on FB and twitter and e-mail.

Thing is, my gram's mom, would have welcomed home her daughter with loving arms, so the family was surprised that she didn't tell anyone, and took this to her grave. Perhaps, it was the upper class, woman's influence on her choice? We will never know.

I wish you the best, in seeking out your biological family and hope that the father that raised you, embraces this desire of yours. My cousin's adoptive parents, are wonderful people and it doesn't change, all they have done to raise a wonderful woman.

Originally Posted by messedinthehead

When my parents got divorced I overheard an argument where my Dad was saying he should not have to pay child support for me because I am not his daughter. --------- should have to pay it because he is my father. At first I brushed if off. My dad is a lying, manipulative, mean drunk. I figured he said it just to be an ***** because that would be typical behavior for him, even though he was sober at the time. (Those characteristics were present when he was sober, just not as amplified).

A year or so ago I confronted my mom and she at first denied it. I mentioned Dad had a specific name, and I wanted to know why. My mom then confessed. She said she and my Dad had broken up and she started dating another man. They fell in love and were happy until Dad showed up at a party where the two of them were. (Mom was near tears at this point). She said Dad chased this man off and brought her home with him and two weeks later she found out she was pregnant with me. My mom insisted I am Dad's daughter as she said she was good with using birth control with the other guy, but Dad didn't always let her. She apologized profusely and then said it didn't matter because the man she loved when Dad intervened has been dead for years.

I kept trying to tell myself the same thing- it didn't matter. My Dad raised me (even if he did a poor job) and blood-related or not, he is my father. The other guy has been dead for years so there's no Montel ending where he and I will be reunited. Heck, if he is my father, I don't even know that he knows about me. Besides, mom said she used birth control with the other guy and not deal.

Lately this idea of not knowing who my father is has been bothering me. The man I know as my father had a close brush with death a month ago and it made me realize that my parents are getting old. If mom dies, she will take the secret of who this other guy is to her grave. (In the 26 years since I overheard their conversation, I have forgotten the other guy's name). Mom also must have kept in contact with him in that she knows he is deceased, so she could give me an idea. In the age of the internet, I may be able to discover a little about him. Perhaps I have half siblings out there somewhere, or perhaps he is not my father at all.

At first I was hesitant to find out because i don't want my father to find out. I will need to talk to him or one of my half-siblings related through him to provide a DNA sample and I fear how they will react. I figured I could use the line of, "he died young and I need to know about any genetic predisposition to early death for my children or myself" as a way to prevent hurt feelings, but it's still a big deal.

I also considered pregnancy tests. Current pregnancy tests and detect a pregnancy as soon as 5 days after pregnancy. When i was pregnant with my 10 year old, you had to be about 2 weeks along for the test to come up positive. My mom learned about her pregnancy 39 years ago. How far along would have have had to be for the test to come up positive? Suddenly I feel like the man i know as my father is not my biological father and I want to know for sure, but I'm scared.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? What did you do? Thoughts?

[gnat]

Thank you. I decided to do it. I just called my half sister to ask if she will submit a sample. She didn't answer and I'm shaking I'm so nervous. Eventually it will be done.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you are doing the right thing.

moreover, I think that while you might be doing for the right things that are in your current awareness, many years from now you might see even more meaning to this paternity test. You may be intuiting your way into something that is right for you, besides thinking of the right reasons to do that.

[gnat]

I spoke with my half sister and she agreed to do the testing. It was a happy/sad conversation. We laughed, we cried, we agreed that no matter what, we are sisters, we don't care what the blood test says in that regard.

Then I called the lab. I was told in testing a sibling the % likelihood is minimal. We may end up with a result like, "there's a 60% chance you share the same paternal DNA" and the cost for the test is $900.

Operation: Sibling Swab has been changed to Operation: Steal Dad's toothbrush

It's very defeating. It took a lot of time and courage building to come to the decision of taking this test. Now I feel an urgency to get the results and it's at a stand still Dad lives 4 hours away AND I need to find a way to steal his DNA without him finding out.

It's making me reconsider talking to him about it. I'm afraid I'll cry. I'm afraid he'll cry. Our relationship is based on fear, intimidation, and survival, and I don't know I can handle expressing emotions around him or see him project an emotion that's not anger. He's also in a fragile state right now. I fear he's given up on life. I don't want to be the straw.

What to do? What to do?