[htebsiL radnalaS]

i've been thinking about my relationship with my bf a lot. at first i was sure we were falling apart and that i actually wanted out after almost 2 years together...

lately i am beginning to wonder if that is what i really want. i talk about ending but still look forward to his calls. so these are some reflections that i've been having... just need to get them out so i can see them better...

today i saw a movie with an actor who i find very annoying. he always seems to play a super sensitive type guy. the type of guy i always thought i'd want. my bf isn't one of those. he is very masculine. it turns me on. i started imagining being with that other character and i felt turned off. maybe i need to accept things that i thought were limitations in my bf. maybe i can see them as positives and things that come with the whole package that actually turn me on, attract me...

i see how i have been making assumptions about him:
1. he has been unfaithful
2. he has been lying a lot
3. he doesn't have much integrity - the very thing that has kept me with him
4. he is mean
5. he's not good for me
6. he won't talk with me
7. etc etc

now the facts as i know them:
1. i have no proof he has been unfaithful. what i do know about his habits are much more likely to explain some of his behavior that had been making me suspicious. and what i do know about him, that he is VERY private and has serious boundaries with others make the idea of an affair hilarious. i can obsess and trick myself to believe an affair is/has happened and torture myself. but i like what this new attitude is doing for me. it's making me get out of familiar thinking that leaves me paranoid and resentful. suddenly i can let go of the fears and just be with him in his presence and appreciate that. i don't need to "protect" myself from anything because there is nothing. and if it turns out that there is something it will reveal itself. and i can deal with it then. i can take care of myself then. for now, i can stay present now. and let go of the outcome...

2. two incidents happened: the first is one where i am convinced he made a big story up to confront me about something. to this day he maintains his story is true. i will eventually tell him what i believe to be true. i want it to be a statement i make. not a confrontation. the second incident was when i saw him lie to his son about something albeit insignificant and was blown away by the extent he went thru to make it believable. something shifted in me at that point and i felt myself pull away. his reasoning, after i said i was surprized because i'd thought he was all about honesty, was he "was trying to spare his son's feelings." at first i thought, sure right, you're just trying to spare your own feelings. but now i think, who am i to judge? as much as i strive for honesty, be it in that area or some other area, there are places i know he is more consistent in than i am. just as maybe i am more consistent at honesty. can i live in the gray of less than 100% honesty? my black and white thinking makes it a challenge but one thing i've learned and believe in is that there is very little in life that is black and white. and this will be something i want to talk about at some point to come to some agreement with what kind of honesty we will share. all i have, the only thing i know for sure is that what he told me is real. i am getting to know him better and seeing him more clearly. i'm seeing behind his curtain and it's often not pretty behind our curtains: lots of dust bunnies and spider webs and dirt... maybe he was trying to spare his own feelings. but to make a leap from that incident to "he's been lying to me" and "he must be spending time with another" is a huge leap. and thinking that way has only made me suspicious miserable and ready to leave. "how dare he" i'd think. again, that familiar righteous "i've been done wrong" feeling and "i'm leaving!". i usually leave. what if i choose to trust him?? especially since i want to see him as trustworthy, like i had all along before the incident. and i certainly could practice being more honest, or more candid. like when he uses a certain "uh huh" that sounds sarcastic to me, i could just name it as that instead of pretending something else. or when i think he is annoyed with me unjustly, instead of avoiding eye contact to diffuse the situation, why don't i pause and look him straight in the eye - maybe that will make us both see that dynamic more clearly and more simply and help us break it... and being more honest with myself and things i hadn't been attending to and giving in to my familiar misery. if i want my life to be different i need to think differently! if thoughts like i'm all alone and my life is miserable are as familiar as they are then it's high time i take a look at that again. time to peel back another layer in the onion. time to go down another few steps on the spiral...down closer to the ME i was meant to be vs the me i was programmed to be... i often like to refer to my brain as a computer and i have been adjusting and changing the defaults set in me for all my life. defaults like i can't... and i'm not... and i'm afraid... and i don't... change to i am happy. and i take care of myself. and i'm an adult now. and i can grieve losses...

3 - 5. regarding his integrity: he probably still has it. he's just not perfect. gee. who is? and what of my own integrity? times when i've let fear keep me silent. in hindsight i see times when i could have replied to something from a place of strength. "be nice!" has proven to be very effective. short and sweet and gets my point across when i feel he has said something asinine and hurtful. i don't have to explain and share and talk so much. one of the things i've learned with this relationship has been that short and sweet can often be much more effective, especially with a masculine guy who isn't about touchy feel-y talkie talkie... and it helps me practice coming from a place of strength instead of victim and "oh woe is me he hurt me!"

6. i've been feeling like something is off between us for a while but hey, i need to look at myself. i pulled away after that incident with his son. i have been jumping to conclusions. i have been thinking of ending. i have been judging. be the change i want to see. be the change i want to see. that is the only thing that makes the most sense in relationships. so i don't know if there is something going on with him. probably. i read something today (overcoming conflicts) that said when there is conflict it mirrors both people. taking things personally do nothing but blur reality. so probably there is something going on with him. maybe he has been thinking the same things i had been thinking. maybe it has nothing to do with me. maybe it's a bit of both. or maybe it's nothing. probably not. what i do know is that i have my own things to work on. things i know he wants from me. things i want for myself.

conclusion:
my recent shifts in perspective (in a couple of other posts) have been giving me more energy to attend to those changes for myself, in myself. if he and i fall apart it will be with me feeling like i did my best. that always makes it easier to let go when i feel like i've done my best. my best is to adopt the things i wrote about in these recent posts and continue with the new actions i've started and build on them...

one of the reasons i've even been able to get to this place is because i had given myself a timeline to wait til september (i chose sept. for various reasons that are irrelevant right now) before i made a decision or even addressed things with my bf. what that has given me has been time to be quiet. time to be alone. time to look at myself. time to let the dust settle. and i realize now that now i'm afraid of losing him because now i seem to be wanting him again. and that is scarier than planning on ending things because it is more vulnerable and potentially more of a loss... maybe that is what i've been subconsciously trying to avoid all along. in the past i would have already turned to someone else. happy to say i broke that bad habit several years ago but knowing that was my default is humbling now. i see how important it is to really see a relationship thru. i see how important it is to take time:
to breath,
to take a step back,
to see more clearly,
to take time,
to turn my focus onto myself,
to be the change that i want to see...

i want xyz from him. and 99% of the time xyz are areas where i can definitely attend to in myself. how in the world can i expect that from him if i'm not doing for myself!

thanks for letting me share... i really needed to get this out. i'm very glad i found this site!

i read these today too and they helped simplify some of my thinking:
overcoming obstacles
rock bottom
bounce back

"The question is not how to change
ugliness into beauty,
pain into pleasure,
or misery into happiness...

The question is how to change
the unconscious into conscious,
how to infuse awareness into ourselves and
embrace reality as it is..."
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

[DePressMe]

It sounds like you are being honest and fair with yourself--that's an important part of any relationships. Yes, it's difficult to trust somebody when you see them lying to others--that makes sense. After you take an in-depth look at yourself (which you have) you can go by what you believe according to his behavior. Sorry, I did not intent to sound like advice--I try not to do that. What I really want to say is that you are on the right road I and respect how you have examined your own feelings and motives.....D.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by DePressMe

It sounds like you are being honest and fair with yourself--that's an important part of any relationships. Yes, it's difficult to trust somebody when you see them lying to others--that makes sense. After you take an in-depth look at yourself (which you have) you can go by what you believe according to his behavior. Sorry, I did not intent to sound like advice--I try not to do that. What I really want to say is that you are on the right road I and respect how you have examined your own feelings and motives.....D.

Thank you very much for your feedback. Didn't sound like advice. Sounded like telling me what you heard. That's always helpful. I know what you mean about avoiding giving advice. I appreciate that.