Caught fiance in lie. Don't know what to do now.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding. I recently discovered emails between my fiance and an old friend. The jist of the messages was that she was going to send him inappropriate photos. He wanted to see them and couldn't wait to see her "sexy body". In his responses he would also say that he had to be careful so he "wouldn't get caught".

Well he got caught. I saw these emails first hand. I've confronted him but he keeps saying he didnt send any of the messages and is completely lying to my face.

Otherwise, he's a good mean and treats me well. I cant believe we're in this situation. If he would just come clean we could talk it out and figure out how to get past is. But he fact hes still lying it is what's hurting the most. I don't know what to do, or how to move forward

Hello girl 1976,

I just want to say welcome! Hope you aren't overwhelmed with your wedding planning.

I may not be at your stage in life of being engaged yet.
However, I wanted to say I think I came and found this forum at a stage of my relationship just like yours. Somewhat similar 'discovery' that brought me here.

For me, one way if you believe that your man treats you well and respects you I would say you may need to find some time to sit down and talk this through with him. There may be underlying reasons behind all this. If he really treasures what you have I would say he would try to understand and see where you are coming from.

I feel it is better you do this before you move on to your next stage of your life with him.

Bottomline is, whenever you feel like you don't know what to believe anymore, just know that we should learn to love ourselves first and that there are many things beautiful about our life beyond the relationship. I hope this helps and I sincerely wish you the best.

Big hugs!

Sure it does: his denying crystal clear evidence is not good.

This is not a good sign of the relationship. I can't give you advice except to say if the lying starts now, it won't get better after marriage. I ignored so many red flags during my wedding planning and after two and a half years of marriage I filed for divorce. If he isn't willing to work on it now or fess up, then I would slow my roll with the planning.

RoseBee is right, getting married will not alter his behavior. I would put the brakes on now, and not consider taking my foot off unless he comes clean, gets help and demonstrates a real change. It isn't something he can do overnight, or over a month or three...
Be glad you found this before exchanging vows.
If you continue with the plans, know that you will be accepting his behavior.

I know it hardly sounds lucky to find out your Fiance is acting this way - but at least you didn't come on here and report this sort of behaviour from your Husband. I would stop all planning. Until this situation resolves somehow anything else is just denial - and not only on his end.

Some would argue that the promise of dirty photos hardly constitutes an act of cheating. I think it does and what's worse - it leaves a question mark over the potential for worse behaviour.

Just one thing though, do you really think him confessing and promising to work harder will help? If it does then it may well allow you to continue with the excitement of your preparations and actual wedding day - but what happens when reality sets in and the honeymoon is over? Settling into married life is hard enough without the possibility of a false sense of security.

Perhaps holding off on the wedding is the best way to go. Good luck.

So many people feel safe doing things behind the presumed shelter of technology they are tempted to do things they would not normally do. We have instant access to people we would not normally see or communicate with at all. Trouble is flirting is still flirting and lies are still lies, and unfortunately your hurt is very very real.

I joined this site for reasons very similar to what you are describing. My partner of many years was having inappropriate flirtatious email exchanges with another woman. I was devastated to say the least. I confronted him and was prepared to leave him. We talked about it for weeks. Some of his responses actually made it worse. It rocked my world and our relationship.

Trust is a huge thing. I googled everything I could find on all aspects of the situation. Honestly, not much really helped at the time. I did find some articles here on PsychCentral that I saved. I can send them to you if you would like me to. I still read them occasionally.

He did apologize repeatedly. I laid out my terms without condition that he never ever have any form of contact with this person ever again...and I stayed.

I stayed because...he made a mistake. It was unfortunate and the hurt was enormous...but it was a mistake. We are none of us perfect. Can you get past it is the question.

Your fiance' has yet to admit any wrong doing. That makes it tough. First he did something wrong, then he lied about it...which made it worse. Right now he must feel pretty trapped in the muck of it. Can you open the door of honesty in a nonthreatening way for him?

Transparency is the key. Is he willing to allow you all-in access to his everything?

Right now all you have is questions and not a lot of answers. You obviously must love this man if you are engaged to be married. I don't have the answers for you...just the understanding.

I wish you well.

This is what I read. "I'm in the middle of planning my wedding."

Consider the following words. We are in the middle of planning our wedding.

There is a difference.

What's the stupid joke? "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

If it were me, I would discuss your feelings ~ together~ then postpone the wedding ~together. Clearly he doesn't see the gravity of this, or that it is deceptive. Not even admitting to the clear evidence is .... bold, to say the least.
Wouldn't you rather have a your beloved treating you, talking to you,(& only you) the way he is with the "old friend"? I would.

Wouldn't you rather be planning your wedding together? Planning your future, ... um, together?

He isn't ready for marriage. Just my opinion. I would take a break & put this whole thing on hold. Maybe he'll realize this is more than just a little faux pas.

It is way easier to clear the air now than in divorce court. You really don't want to go there...

Good Luck in this. My heart goes out to you ....

You and your fiancé should be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship right now. Your engagement should be a time when you can't stop thinking about one another, can't get enough of one another, are busy planning your life together, and aren't even aware that the other people on the planet exist. A good friend of mine just got married a couple of weeks ago and, during his entire engagement, I don't think we had ONE conversation where he wasn't gushing from ear to ear, talking about his "future wife." (I mean, I like her too, but geez-- I wanted him to stop up sometimes!) I don't think I could even wrestle his phone away long enough for him to stop texting her dorky, sentimental things. And he's a fairly tough dude. That's what being in love does. Granted, his fiancé (and his mom) did most of the planning around venue, music, flowers, invitations, etc- but he's been there every step of the way in terms of planning their life together. It would be impossible to imagine him texting "sexy" things to another woman. Not only because he has moral standards around honesty and fidelity, but because he just isn't interested in anyone but her (or pictures of anyone but her). I've seen attractive women walk up to him and, while he used to turn his head, since his engagement, it's like he doesn't even see them. I know this doesn't last forever, but it should last through the engagement and honeymoon!

Typically, if the wandering eye is going to come, it comes at the time in a relationship when the sparks die, the relationship feels stale, communication isn't happening anymore, and one partner is looking to see "what else is out there." If your fiancé is doing this during your ENGAGEMENT-- the time when he should be feeling the most in love with you-- yikes! I definitely would not move forward with any wedding plans at this point. He has shown that he has HUGE issue-- fidelity, honesty, and respect for you. These are probably the three most important things in a relationship. Are you willing to marry someone who can't give you these?

I'm in the same opinion, stop the planning. As a guy, I can tell you, honesty about sexual issues is a VERY difficult thing.

We like certain things, but don't want to lose our wives over it. So we end up lying. That is BAD BAD BAD.

If you feel insecure about losing HIM, and he therefore gets away with this deal, then you are setting yourself up for a long marriage of being the ball and chain that he has to keep just satisfied enough, while he meanwhile lives a bachelor style life with the convenience of a wife to come home to.

Yikes. None of that sounds good.

But if you really love him, and he really loves you, then you HAVE to settle this. First, you have to make him understand that you understand that men have lots of sexual temptations. Then he has to admit what happened. Then you guys have to agree to be each other's ONLY outlet for those sexual needs. That means total honesty about what those needs are. And it means not ACTING on any of those outside temptations.

THEN you will find out what he is REALLY like and you can decide how to proceed. But right now, you are planning on marrying a guy who hasn't included you in 100% of his sexual thoughts. The future will either scare you off, or he will hide his true sexuality, or you will both find complete bliss with each other, or you will both have to find some compromise (which is difficult when it comes to sex. It tends to take YEARS to solve in a marriage)

All of the above is just my opinion.