[Wham6429]

OK, so I've written here before but I need different advise...

Too see my last thread (not required):
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...such-mess.html

Soon I have to have a conversation with my stepmom as at the moment we're not talking.

Long story short:

She has ripped my family apart. She has fought with everyone who is close to my dad and driven wedges in all his relationships. His response to any and ALL talk of this is "she is my wife," as in he ALWAYS stands by her even if he doesn't always agree with her behavior. (that is fact!)

Which brings me to question if this is really how relationships should be?

Recently (as stated in my last thread), my stepmom is fighting with my sister over my sister talking to my dad's ex (who was there for my sister when she was growing up). My sister and stepmom hadn't talked in 1.5 yrs, because my stepmom wants an apology for my sister screaming in her face even though it was SO provoked. But, when my stepmom invited everyone in my dads family over for the 4th, except my sister, my sister crashed the party and I took the blame.

My dad wants me to apologize to my stepmom for blindsiding her with my sister coming to the party. My stepmom expects an apology from me and she's not going to get it! I've been so upset about this for 1.5 years that it was nice to finally see her share the same feelings, and for that I'm NOT sorry. So, how do I say that nicely?

The real issue now is:
I have to have this conversation with my stepmom to smooth things over and I guess "start over" (as that's what she and my dad has already decided is what has to happen). Its ridiculous if you ask me!

So I need to figure out a nice way to say, "I'm pissed you DESTROYED my family!" My aunt keeps telling me to stop fighting my sister's battle but its hard when I feel so strongly about it. Growing up, it was just the 3 of us and we use to be so close. Now neither one of us is allowed at my dad's house. I should also mention my sister is done with my stepmom, they will never have a relationship because in order for them to have a relationship my sister has to basically submit and give an apology for something she's not sorry for. (I see a trend starting )

I'd rather not have a relationship with my stepmom because she is such a challenging person for me to deal with, but I have to... and since we're having this talk I'm going to put all my issues with her out there... but I am a shy person that would rather play for both teams just to avoid conflict.

Now it feels like I run head on into conflicts because I'm sick of being so sad about it. I just don't know how to word these things that it doesn't threaten her as she will freak out and I have a really hard time saying what needs to be said when it gets like that.

Thanks in advanced for any and all help!

Heya again

I don't think any of the truth you want to say to your stepmom will ever come over as nicely, simply because she will never want to hear anything negative about herself. Some folk see no blame in their actions (and she comes over as she doesn't because of your sister), and then it's pretty much impossible to have a good and fair conversation with them. (I've been there with my parents, my dad mainly).

So it kinda leaves you to either tell the truth, sugarcoated or not I am sure will have the same reaction from her), or suck it up and not tell her how you feel in order to keep the peace.

You mention that you HAVE to have a relationship with her - why? Is it so you keep seeing your dad? Just wondering if you can work something out with him if you really do not want a relationship with her again, nor to apologise?

Good luck... and sorry this is happening. It sucks.

[RoseBee]

You have the power to talk to your father and say, "I do not like your wife. You are my father and I love you. I am tired of you not treating me like I matter. I will tell your wife what I think and have this conversation, but I refuse to have a relationship with her. I will have one with you on your terms, so how do you want to do this?"

I've had a conversation like this before and it's never easy. It's best to deal with this sort of thing head on.