[tangerine pie]

First of all, I'd like to say I really appreciate anyone who not only reads this all the way through, but who bothers to give advice, even if it's just something like a word of comfort because you don't know what to tell me. That really means a lot, and I think if you read more you'll see why it means so much to me, but basically, it's because I'm surrounded by people who treat me like crap right now.

We'll start off, I suppose, by saying that I was best friends with this girl...We'll call her Anya. When I say she was my best friend, I mean I would have taken a bullet for her. I loved her. We met when we were 11 and though I'm only 20 now, it felt like a lifetime that we were friends. We went through a lot together, and there were times I was struggling and didn't feel like I'd make it and in my eyes she helped me get through it.

Fast-forward to last summer. We'd both fallen on some hard times regarding our housing situations and our first year at college had proven a lot rougher than expected. We agreed to "take a year off, but not really" and attend community college together. We decided to live together and carpool together to save money because neither of us was doing very well at the time. When we first moved in everything was perfect. We agreed on everything, we each did our share of chores and all those others things that people warn you you'll argue with your friends about if you live with them. We never argued about anything.

Anya is an actress (in more ways than one, but we'll get to that later). Since our area doesn't have too much outside the "local one-shot theatre" circuit in terms of jobs for her, she would travel a lot for work. Last summer, she worked a mere state away, so she'd drive back and forth all the time. She met a guy there, we'll call him Shane. Pretty soon, Shane was living with us, and by pretty soon I mean literally within a week or so of meeting him. They weren't even dating, he was just suddenly living with us so she could "spend enough time with him to decide if she wanted to date him". So there was this total stranger in my house, walking around half naked and such and eating all our food without paying any rent or bills. What's worse, he became very rude and somewhat threatening towards me. One day his car was towed because, you know, HE DIDN'T LIVE THERE, and he blamed me like I had reported him or something crazy like that. He yelled at me and from the rest of his time in my apartment, he would glare at me any time he saw me with a look like he might kill me. There were times my cat "got in his way" and he'd kick him out of the way. Not a nudge but an actual kick.

I confronted Anya about his behavior and told her either Shane would have to leave and never come back there, or I would move out. It was a sincere offer, not a threatening ultimatum with an implied answer. I looked at other apartments and everything so that if she chose Shane over me, I'd gladly have a new place to move. I really didn't care, I was just tired of arguing with my best friend.

She chose door number 3, and instead of either Shane leaving or me leaving, Anya took all her things one day and left, sticking me with the entire lease to handle myself on an apartment that I absolutely could not afford without her help. My landlord was furious, and largely acted like it was my fault somehow.

Let's skip past the unnecessary descriptions of how depressed I was in the months immediately following that incident; suffice to say, I had to take on 2 jobs in addition to being full time at school and my mother moved in with me, taking a third job to help me make rent and bills work. It's been a long time since then, but she never returned to apologize. Instead, she actually told a bunch of our "mutual acquaintances" and such that I had kicked her out and left her on the street, etc. in hopes they would also come to hate me like she did.

No one really believed her, because really I'm the person most people think of as doing everything for everyone else and being really kind...Nevertheless, they also didn't want to get in the middle of our war. I couldn't blame them. They'd still see me and talk to me and such, but they didn't want to discuss anything about Anya, so I had no way to vent all that pent up frustration and pain. I also learned from them that this was not the first lie she'd told about me, but that actually a reason I largely had no really close friends in high school besides her is because she would tell people things about me so they'd hate me and I'd be isolated. This made it easy for her to be everything to me, so that I'd take care of her because she needed a friend. It was sickening; everything had been a lie and she'd been "acting" like the person I would want to be friends with the whole time.

I'd lost my best friend, who I thought I'd never lose in the course of my whole life. A lot of people say "best friends forever" and whatever and mean it with a grain of salt, but I truly did believe I was going to be her friend forever.

My current situation is simple: Since she left, and I became disillusioned about our friendship, I no longer have any real friends.

This incident cast an unfriendly light on my current relationships, and made me realize just about all of my friends are people that I do everything for, but that seem to do little for me.

My friend who was beaten by a boyfriend, and that I comforted and let live with me temporarily and helped get back on her feet: She now never listens to a word I say when I am upset about anything, but instead interjects some small thing that is bothering her like "I only got 3 likes on my last profile picture and I really thought it was a good one. My sense of self esteem is shattered". It seems that now that she doesn't have a *real* crisis going on, she still continues to seek out SOME reason ANY reason to bring the conversation to a negative place of sorrow even if it is something small that makes no sense. Meanwhile I'm saying "I'm a little concerned I might not have money to eat this week". But no, really, your problem is much worse, I'm sure.

My roommate who became a friend, has since decided she's all about herself and now anything I try to do is overshadowed by her desire to do something for herself. Even to the point where I one time came in the room and she had re-arranged the furniture so her stuff was on every piece of furniture except my bed, giving her two desks, two dressers, and her bed. She said "oh the drawers are yours of course, I'm just putting stuff on top of it".

I just want to make a new friend who isn't just talking to me because they're expecting me to take care of all their little problems or fix everything for them or give them everything I've ever even had like a doormat.

I think part of it is exasperated by the fact that I've developed some trust issues from Anya's betrayal, I'm sure, but I largely attribute it to just not knowing how to make friends besides being my kind self and doing things for others. It seems like when I do stuff for them, they see that as "oh, I guess I've hooked someone who will be my doormat and therapist forever, perfect".

I just want some advice, if any can even be given, about how I should go about getting away from these friends (especially considering I live with one of them) and getting new, healthy, supportive ones.

[failureatlife]

Hi tangerine pie, I'm sorry for your troubles and wish I had some answers for you. I understand what it is like to give and give yet get no appreciation for your efforts. I wonder if your last line may hold part of a solution, you want to find supportive friends. Maybe you could try a more supportive rather than helping approach. Express your understanding of whatever they're going through but try not act on anything unless they have asked you to. By the same token, if you need help ask for it, don't expect someone will just notice and do what they can to help. You may appear stronger to them than you feel you are. Just something to think about

Hi, is it possible for you to see a therapist? It sounds like you are a very giving person, very caring - and your friends are taking advantage of that. I agree that finding new friends who are supportive would be much healthier for you. Friendships should be reciprocal - not parasitic. You deserve better! Try and make *you* a priority and then helping others second. I am working on that issue myself - putting other's needs before my own is my default...and to be healthiest and happiest ... we need to put ourselves first. You may need to abruptly cut ties with your existing friends...or you can gradually phase them out ... do what is best for you in regard to that. Don't feel guilty about it - relationships change and it is OK to move on. If they ask you what's up - you don't need to give a detailed explanation ... it's OK to simply say that you are focusing on yourself and new things. They will get the message and if they take it personally ... well, that is there issue and they will get over it. Again, easier said than done but stay strong and take care of you! Take care and keep us posted!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by tangerine pie

I just want to make a new friend who isn't just talking to me because they're expecting me to take care of all their little problems or fix everything for them or give them everything I've ever even had like a doormat.

I think part of it is exasperated by the fact that I've developed some trust issues from Anya's betrayal, I'm sure, but I largely attribute it to just not knowing how to make friends besides being my kind self and doing things for others. It seems like when I do stuff for them, they see that as "oh, I guess I've hooked someone who will be my doormat and therapist forever, perfect".

I just want some advice, if any can even be given, about how I should go about getting away from these friends (especially considering I live with one of them) and getting new, healthy, supportive ones.

Sorry to read, that you've lost a friend of many years. It's relatable, how you'd become disillusioned with others, over this, and it also sounds like other's around you. Experiences like these, can breed cynicism. I can, relate well.

One, not need, lose their kindness and compassion, in order to not be a doormat, to others. It may, involve, no longer listening to their troubles, worries and concerns. Learning how, to say, can't talk now, maybe later, is an important step.

Friendships, it stands to reason, are meant to be reciprocal. And the people surrounding you, [or that you are surrounded by], do not appear to reciprocate the friendship. There's a give and take, where friendships are concerned. Takes time, to reach the point, of knowing who's a good apple or a bad one.

And, as a sidebar, really?! Upset over how many FB likes?! geesh!! *tossing my hands up in the air*

Hang in there, it takes time to grieve the lost of a friendship, and to recover from the betrayal that is involved in this particular circumstance.

[avlady]

I'm sorry you ended up in this situation, i had a similiar experience but it was with my sister, i don't know if that counts, she walked all over me our whole life, until i put an end to it in the 1980'2,in our 20's. We were close sometimes but i don't know why sometimes she would treat me like a doormat especially when friends were around. She ended up saying bad things about me to both of our friends and i lost alot of friends because of things she told them about me, that weren't true.My husband tells me to look out for number one-myself first, but that is easier said than done.

[hamster-bamster]

You need to use exaggeration to make your point come across.

When the friend complains of that impossible blow to her self-esteem caused by getting only three likes on her new profile picture, while you are not sure of whether you can get enough to eat, exaggerate:

"Oh, I am SO sorry. It must feel horrible. Indeed, nothing, nothing at all can really hurt more than not getting enough likes on your profile picture. I only struggle with getting enough to eat, so I am not familiar with the depth of your despair. But I am truly sorry for you and hope that I can improve things a bit by liking your new profile picture. Is it OK or do you only count likes from guys? I really hope to help you with this!"

If she gets the sarcasm and comes to her senses, she is worth keeping as a friend.

If she continues her pity party, then dismiss her without regrets.