The Good, the Bad & Ugly

Hi. So about me:

The Good: I'm planning a trip to Africa to volunteer with the Big Cats. I was the mom of two beautiful kitties that lived to be 20 years old and who passed away this last year. They are my longest relationship. Animals have always been my refuge even as a child. I want to go to Gallaudet University after Africa to become more fluent in Sign Language and then work in the Deaf Community. I volunteer as a tutor when I'm well and live on a disability income that gives me that freedom. I worked as a teacher for 10 years before I collapsed and went on disability. My father has offered to buy me a car because I can't afford one.

The Bad & Ugly:

I was raised by a Borderline alcoholic narcissistic father and codependent narcissistic mother.

My brother ended up locked up in a mental state hospital a few decades ago with multiple dx.

My sister lives in a fantasy world complete with husband she hasn't slept with in years, two kids, a dog and a great income. She drinks and has rage issues. She sold her soul to be the daughter my parents wanted but not the sister I wanted.

I have a bipolar and anxiety dx and have been on psych meds and therapy for a very long time.

I'm turning 50 in September and that is messing with my head. Mainly because it looks like my current relationship is going to end. I don't know if I even like him anymore. I don't like the extent that he avoids living in reality. It has been almost two years together. I believe it takes a good year to get to know someone. So I'm probably going to be single AGAIN. I know 50 isn't the end. Though I wish it were. I hope I die in Africa. Seriously. It would be poetic to me. I welcome and invite death. I'm tired.

As much as I try I can't figure out how to have a relationship that lasts "forever." I was married right out of college. That would be my longest human relationship, 8 years including dating time. No kids.

I feel incredibly alone. No real friends. I don't know how to do friendships either. I am the one who normally leaves any relationship. With friendship I understand I need to practice accepting what I get and stop letting disappointments and hurts make me leave. It's hard for me to have what I call "superficial, talk about the weather" friendships. It exhausts me actually. So I don't need to complain about friendships because it's been my choice usually. Still the mere fact that it's a struggle for me makes me feel pathetic and alone and broken.

With intimate relationships, I don't know what I'm doing wrong exactly. I have no problem meeting people and making connections. I'm good at that. I know not everyone is. My last significant relationships ended for various reasons. Only one do I regret and believe I could have reframed my thoughts to be able to stay happily. The others I know I stayed too long making it more painful to leave. One was emotionally unavailable. Another I was never attracted to.

And now this one, is a long story on its own. Suffice it to say we're not communicating. I believe he has lied about a few significant things. I stayed with him this long because I had believed he was the first person I could really trust. Then the lie thing came to the surface a couple of months ago. I can't prove anything. But I saw, for the first time, the extent he'll go to to lie, if even to "spare the other person's feelings..." as he put it. After seeing that everything began to crash. If there is no trust then what do we have?? And yet, I have to accept that apparently everyone lies and not let myself become black/white about this, using it as a reason to leave. I experience him as critical, negative, and angry way too often. I have greater needs for touch and affection that he has which leaves me wanting.

His main issue with me is my belly is a bit too big for his likes... I work at it, working out, increasing my physical activity, eating well. I am starting to believe I have bloating issues and am looking into that. He also drinks most nights. He is responsible and never violent. Just turns me off seeing him each time drink enough that he looks/acts intoxicated. I have worked at not letting my father's alcoholism get in the way of what is happening with my bf. I'm very angry with him and don't know what I can trust anymore. I'm hanging on in part because I'm feeling so fragile right now that I think it would be a mistake for my own well-being... Eventually, soon, I will speak up when I feel stronger to face whatever the consequences.

My toxic parents are coming to visit to buy the car in August. I haven't seen my father in decades nor my mother in many years. My choice to have minimal contact for my own mental health. Now I feel like I'm selling my soul for this car. If I lived in a city with good public transport I would not to this. I have to figure out how to manage my stress and boundaries around this visit so I don't fall apart. Last time my mother visited I was so stressed that I fell and broke my elbow. My father has been calling incessantly since making this offer and I have felt my anxiety get so high between this and my bf issues that I'm frozen at home afraid to even walk outside. I'm depressed and feel overwhelmed. It's pathetically sad that parents, who should be a comfort, are a major source of anxiety for me. I feel pathetic alone depressed and terrified.

what a wonderful plan~! do keep us informed of your trip ~?

I do not get why you need a car if you plan to move to Africa.

Since you have not had kids, bloating can very well be the cause of your having a bigger tummy, but other causes might be at play, and you might never be able to have a slimmer tummy (liposuction costs money which you do not have). Can you tell him that, flat out? And he would either deal with it and shut his mouth, or, leave you - either way would be better than the constant pestering that seems to be going on.

Please send us travel notes and please leave the poetic fantasy of dying in Africa in the realm of poetic fantasies, ok?

i would only be in Africa for about month ... the volunteer programs i've looked into usually run for a limited time. i'm not moving there. and as i said, i still and always invite death to find me, especially while i am in Africa... but that would be the only way i'd permanently end up there... hopefully i'd end up in the belly of some big furry kitty... with my soul passing from one generation to the next...

i will most definitely keep in touch from Africa. it is a long ways away before i'm there. i predict maybe a year, roughly, before i get there... it takes me awhile to process all the steps needed for something big like this...

thank you hamster bamster for inspiring me to write poetry about my fantasies of dying in Africa... doubtful it will replace the real experience though...

thank you Gus1234U for the gorgeous image of those two beautiful cats cuddling! Just like my boyz would do... (i miss them. i still hear them in the background and see them out of the corner of my eye...

When I was a kid, I dreamt of going to Kenya. I was reading those books by a woman who - do you know what I mean? I think she ultimately died. Cheetahs - she lived with cheetahs. Do you know who the woman author is, the one I am talking about? She was from England. I would love to re-read those books now.